


The Eyes That Lost You

by chuuyaks



Series: White Noise [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Blindness, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-03-08 21:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 43,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13466958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuuyaks/pseuds/chuuyaks
Summary: I can't see you, yet I can feel you out of the noise of the world.





	1. lost

_'Do you really remember me?'_

 

_'I do. Your name is Kim Jongdae and you work on that place where toddlers play.'_

 

_'And?'_

 

_'You were the one who kissed me.'_

 

_'No. Not that one.'_

 

_'Then what?'_

 

_'That I was the one who loved you.'_

 

* * *

 


	2. white noise

#  ****_**i hear you, i feel you**_  
_**i can't see you,**_  
_**but i can hear you**_

* * *

'I know you liked daisies, Minseok.' spoke a man with a high pitch in his voice. Sharp tone but warm and smooth like toffee— _G#_? It would be impossible to have his voice sounding like a flat either. Nevertheless, he doesn't even know why he was talking about music so suddenly to compare the man's voice whom he felt was right beside him. 'How sure were you?'

'I saw you once in a flower shop picking a pink daisy, and there was a smile on your face when you smelled it.’

Minseok laughed in amusement. 'How come you knew about that? Are you a stalker of mine, huh?'

'No, I’m not.' He could feel on his skin the light brush of fingers as the man laughed. 'I saw it by chance when I was walking home, _sunbae_.'

It has been a few months since all Minseok could see is the pitch-black darkness. In days that would never seem to end, he knew he was in the hospital sitting on am uncomfortable bed with that certain sanitized smell that would annoy his nose. He lost track of the time—even the memories that made up his mind were gone, making him barely remember what had happened to him before being placed in a hospital bed. Now he is unable to move, tied on needles and adhesive with a happy guy talking to him everyday.

Sometimes when he had to learn Braille, Jongdae would tell him that he would be gone, and will come back after he finishing his classes. It also happens whenever Sehun and Junmyeon come to check on him, but no matter what, Minseok was contented that as long as Jongdae was right by his side—it is okay for him to see nothing.

'Can I feel your face?' He asked, trying to move his hands around bed to feel the man's own. He soon stopped as he felt a hand holding him with a 'Why?'

'Because I want to feel what you look like again.' He smiled. 'It feels like you are always smiling.'

'Okay.' He can feel his hands being grabbed by another pair, towards to what he can feel as a face. His skin was smooth; but with a few tiny bumps that created texture; his eyebrows were thin, making him giggle as Jongdae started whining when he teased him about it; there were tiny folds on the corner of his eyes along with his double eyelids. His nose was well built; he traced with the tip of his finger down to where his septum was. As he reached on his lips, he could not help to hold his chin as he brushed his lips with his thumb. He had thought; his lips were plump, and they were tenderly soft.

‘Are your lips pink?’

He heard him wheeze. ‘Why are you asking that?’

‘Because I wanted to remember on how you looked like to me before I became blind.’

‘Oh.’ He sighed and Minseok could feel his hands were cupping the man's face. ‘Do you really remember me?’

Minseok could not help but give him an unbelieving look. He sealed his lips before giving him an answer. ‘I do. Your name is Kim Jongdae and you work on where toddlers are left to play on the mall.’

‘And?’

‘And...’ He tried to remember the things he did with him. ‘You were the one who kissed me one evening.’

‘No, not that. That's not what I want to hear from you.’

‘Then what do you want me to say?’ And slowly, he could feel his breath in front of his face, as if he leaned his face closer to him.

‘That I was the one who told you that I loved you that evening.’

* * *

##  ****_**after closing my eyes,**_  
_**all I have to do is find you**_  
_**among all the noise in the world**_

* * *

'It's really surprising to think that you are not bored being trapped inside the hospital, _hyung_.' spoke Junmyeon while the man heard packages being opened. 'I'm glad you're doing okay.'

'It's beca—' He stopped himself from talking. He remembered what Jongdae told him; that he should not tell everyone that he is seeing him, or else he would not talk to him anymore. Minseok sealed his lips and gulped, while Junmyeon looked at him, confused. 'Because of what, _hyung_?'

'Ah, nevermind.' He spoke, trying to change the topic. 'Is Sehun with you?'

'No, _hyung_.’ He heard a deep, manly voice with a crunching sound strained on it as if he was eating something. It was Chanyeol. ‘Sehun went to see his wife.’

‘Oh? Did his wife give birth already?’ He asked, half excited, but that excitement subsided when Chanyeol replied with ‘No, the child died. Now they're getting a divorce.’

‘A what? Why? Aren't they married for four years already?’

‘But Sehun got caught cheating inside a bubble tea house.’ spoke Junmyeon, who he can hear coming toward him by the sounds of footsteps getting louder. ‘Ah, I see.’

He can feel Junmyeon's fingers placed his left arm and the cold surface of the spoon touching his lips lightly. 'Here, eat.'

'What is this?' He said before opening his mouth. The taste of _kimchi_ and vegetables with a bit of tofu went into his tastebuds as he chewed his food. 'Your favorite.'

'Ah, I see.' He replied even though he was blind, and still heard Chanyeol having crunching sounds. 'Is Yeol eating an apple?'

'No, I'm eating a banana.' He replied sarcastically, making the elder reply with a scoff. The whole dinner concluded with Minseok sighing and Junmyeon followed while he placed the bowl down the table. 'I can't believe this is happening.'

'What is happening, Myeon?' He asked, confused, but the man sealed his lips bitterly. 'It's nothing, _hyung_. Nothing.'

He then heard Chanyeol chuckling. 'Can you believe they mistaken me for a gangster? It should be Yixing, not me.'

With that, Minseok gave a loud laugh. 'That's because your height looks threatening, Yeol.'

'But still...' He tried to imagine their faces right now: smiling and laughing. However, what was in reality was the plain opposite.

As soon the two went home, the once-cold, artificial atmosphere was replaced with a warm, happy one. Minseok always knew that it was him.

For him, the man named Kim Jongdae was a ray of sunshine. He knew he liked kids and loved the color pink. He was studying music and was always at the conservatory of the university he used to be going. He also knew that he liked to take care of everyone and has always loved to smile.

They sometimes tried to find the octaves of the noise around them, and would even try to find what pitch or key their voices belong to. Jongdae was a tenor while Minseok was a light lyric one. And different times they would often do what Jongdae had loved the most in his course at college; learning the keys of the piano and attempting to reach high notes that they can.

For so many times, Jongdae told so much about himself and there wasn't a day that he wouldn't whine. He would whine whenever Minseok looked unhappy, or even how he was still trapped on that room along with so many things attached to him. He also confessed he wanted someone older so that they can take care of him.

And for so many times, he told him how much he loved him.

'What did you eat today, Minseokkie?' The jolly little tune was heard again, making him smile. 'I ate broccoli.'

'Ew. I hate broccoli.' The sass in his voice made him laugh as he tried to reach a book that was right across him. 'I am joking, but that sass was a _D#_.'

'No.' Jongdae spoke, making Minseok twitch as he felt his index finger being touched. 'It was a _B Minor_.'

Minseok opened the book that consisted of tiny bumps, and touched it with his tiny fingers. The first letter was an L, then an I, and a V, and an E. And another L came in. The words then soon formed; 'Live life like you lived.'

'I wonder why they let you learn that kind of thing.' He can hear him starting to whine. 'That's a waste.'

'Maybe they wanted me to read so that I don’t feel bored.' He replied, smiling. 'But still!'

'Why?' He was suddenly surprised that Jongdae did not reply. The room felt cold as the colors of his voice began to fade—he tried changing the topic. 'I can see colors in your voice.'

'You can?' The yellow-orange color had started to show again in the darkness, making him nod. 'What is my color?'

'Yellow... with a bit of an orange.' He suddenly felt weight wrapping around him, as if he was being hugged, making him smile. 'Your voice sounds electrifying too, for me.'

'Am I the only one who has colors in their voice?'

'Yes. All of them are black except yours.'

'What key am I for you?'

'You're always a sharp.'

'Not a minor?' He shook his head. 'For a voice that shocks me, your voice is always a sharp.'

Despite Jongdae's protests, Minseok still read the book, not by his eyes but by his fingers. 'It's still ironic for you to read like that.'

'Why?' He always liked it when he asked with too many questions. For a normal person, they would be annoyed with him bombarding questions; however, it was different for Minseok's case. He heard him sigh. Yellow with blue undertones _, D_.

'They're making you read something about living even if you feel like you're dying. Doesn't that make you want to die more?'

'No, it doesn't. It makes someone live more, don't you think?'

'Yes, it does. The world has that truth that makes you miserable; the ones that love you are trying to kill you and the one who makes you happy are trying to make you sad. Everything is becoming ironic when you are living. No matter how much you lived your life or how happy you'd become, there's still a time where what you have been trying to achieve or to dream will never happen and it was just a wishful thinking.'

'You sound bitter, Jongdae.' He spoke calmly. 'Did something happen today?'

'Nothing... It's just...' His words were cut off as the patient tried tiptoeing his fingers from his nose to his head. 'Your hair has gotten fluffier yet coarse. Is your hair orange again?'

He felt another hand, warm, creeping to his. 'It's black now.'

'Oh, I see.' He gave a sheepish smile and suddenly felt Jongdae's fingers walk from his hand to his cheeks before cupping them tenderly. Later, they cupped each other's cheeks. 'I like you, Jongdae.'

He felt his thumbs touch his cheeks and his breath under his touch. 'But do you love me?'

It left him speechless. The feeling that was on his hands being released was felt by him, at the same time he felt Jongdae’s cheeks becoming wet, a trail of tear had fell and he touched it. 'I... I don't know.'

'You told me that you loved me that time. Why is it now that I'm always by your side, you don't know what you feel?'

'I've lost most of my memories, Jongdae.' He tried not to break down in front of him as he gripped on the bed sheet tight. Every second, it was becoming tighter. 'Of all memories that you've lost, why did it have to be mine?'

He wanted to utter another 'I don't know' but he wanted it to end. Biting his lips, a tear slowly fell from his eye. A sigh—a very sad sigh was heard along with a calm 'I'm sorry.' A gentle touch was on his fingers, and slowly, by touching each other's digits, they began to link each other's hands. 'Do you want me to sing a song for you?'

Minseok couldn’t do anything but nod. As he started to sing, he couldn’t stop himself but try to recognise the keys and the pitches as he was used to it. He could not help but to close his eyes as he listened to him singing.

'Why are you closing your eyes?'

'What?' He opened them.

'Why are you closing your eyes even if you're blind?'

'It's instinct, maybe. I missed seeing things.' He answered as he closed his eyes. Every sound was becoming clearer; the noises that he never thought were there were heard, and Jongdae’s voice is becoming prettier. 'And it makes you hear the song better. You sing prettily.'

'I do?'

'Even better when you reach high notes.'

He gave him a small smile.

* * *

##  **_you become the rain and fall down;_**  
**_could you fall down a little harder?_**  
**_so my complicated feelings_**  
**_will all be washed away_**

 

* * *

'You know—I love you so much, Minseok.' He suddenly said out of the blue as they were trying to remember piano keys. He looked down, jaw dropping without words. 'I love you so much that it hurts.'

'What will you do if I don't?'

'No, Minseok. It's not that you don't love me.' He can hear his left side rustling. 'It's just that you forgot how to do it, that's all.'

'Why are you so calm about this, Jongdae?' He asked, worried. 'Don't you think that it's uncomfortable for you confessing to me while I’m throwing back with an 'I don't know'?'

He heard him sigh. 'Yes, but I am used to it, actually.'

He spoke no more as there were fingers trailing down to his hands. 'Do you remember how we met for the first time?'

'I do....a little bit.' He closed his eyes. 'It was on a music recital… and I was trying to get my doctorate at that time.'

'What I played was Moonlight Sonata,' He added. Minseok gave a small smile as he played with his hair. 'It was by Debussy.'

'Wrong, Minseokkie.'

'Huh?'

'It was by Beethoven.' He could hear him laugh. Pinkish-yellow, _C_. 'And at that time I could not believe that I could get that near to you.'

'Am I really that precious for you?'

'Yes.' He felt a squeeze on his hand. 'Because I was tired looking at you so far away with feelings that don't even fade.'

He gave a funny smile as he tried to not laugh on his cringey words. 'Are you a lone poet?'

'No. Why?' Trying to reach for his face, he extended his hands and moved his fingers until he can feel a hand holding his wrist and a face on his palm. A sad smile appeared on his face. 'Because your words are beautiful, but they are sad.'

'It's because of you. You hurt me.'

'But why? You're fine whenever you're with me.'

'No, because you don't know how to love me.'

'I'm sorry.' He replied.

'If you're sorry, then love me.'

Minseok gulped in silence. The same question all over again. He noticed that every time he'd ask, the tone of his voice had become more breathy, as if he was more and moredesperate. So desperate to hear him say those words.

Days had gone, and Minseok felt like he has already spent more time than he used to before when the sunshine-like voice of Kim Jongdae suddenly went gone on a whim. In countless hours he would search for him; would feel around for his unusual and unique warmth that he longed so much, with the loving fondness he liked when he fondled his fingers. Sadly, there was no Jongdae who showed up again with his voice that's making him smile.

In times Minseok wondered why there wasn't a single doctor visiting him about his condition but he would just stare at the never ending darkness, closing and opening his eyes as he knew nothing as an answer. It felt like he was in a prison cell, and it made him suffocate, even more like he is being choked by thousands of invisible hands.

It would be Junmyeon and their friends who’ll come and visit, but never Sehun anymore. Junmyeon would try to crack up the sad mood by his cringe-worthy jokes that would make him a little happier. But still, he felt sad.

He had wondered why, that whenever he could not feel or hear Jongdae, he'd become more alone and miserable.

'Hello.' A voice smooth like caramel reached his ears like lightning one day. His face suddenly lit up and his hands tried to roam around to feel until he felt his nose was being rubbed. 'You're back, Jongdae.'

'I am.' He scrunched his nose upon hearing his voice dull and sad. 'Why are you so sad?'

'It's nothing.' He replied, and paused for a few minutes before adding, ' _Hyung_ , I love you. Really.'

'I know, I know.' Minseok nodded as he played with the strands of his hair. 'They say the meaning of those words often get less when you say it for so many times. Haven't you said that a thousand times already?'

'But _hyung_ , this love can't be measured by numbers.'

'I know.' Yellow with purple undertones, _A flat_. Silence found its place in between the two as the wind slowly went inside from the window. Times after, Jongdae started telling him stories that were once their memories; one where they tried to have a date at Han River, where they ate roasted beef and drank _soju_ until the evening, the time where they were in Lotte World with Sehun and his wife, they were trying to guess what key every ride was producing. The best memory, as far as Jongdae remembered, was on a music shop a few blocks from Minseok's apartment. 'We used to hang out at the music store near your apartment.'

‘We really did?' He heard him laugh. 'Yeah, you liked TVXQ so much.'

'And you liked 10cm.' He added, feeling warm. It was night; the cold wind had gotten through, echoing words that were quite familiar. Cicadas can be heard from a distance, and he can feel his lips touch his hands. 'We loved listening our favorite songs and bought each other albums. But most importantly, we both loved music the same way we loved each other.'

'We dated?'

'Yes, we did.' As soon as his fingers reached his face, he slid it on his lips, where he felt that it was curled in a smile. 'We were really happy.'

'Could you...' He trailed his words off as he sighed. 'Tell me what happened between us. But I think you're tired telling me the same thing all over again.'

A laugh was heard—It was his typical laugh, but it had a hint of bitterness in it. 'I'm not tired telling you that I loved you... I....'

Jongdae sighed. 'I'm just frustrated.'

'I... I hope I can enlighten your frustration.' He replied hesitatingly. 'I'm sorry.'

A long pause was followed and he could hear the sounds of cicadas slowly fading into small, faint trickling.

'On the summer of April, 2016; I was just your _dongsaeng_. You told me that you liked the sound of the piano and asked me to teach you how to play. We used to meet around the campus, and you'd often pay the food we eat despite my whining, however, I suggested that you need to widen your knowledge of music; you told me that I should take you to places that I liked and that inspired me to play and create music. And I did. But your favorite place is the music store that you've recently discovered and just a few blocks away from your apartment.'

'September, last year: It was my birthday at that time. I cancelled everything I planned just to spend it with you. We spent most of the time together on the music store and listened to many songs, including your favorite TVXQ. And in that same time I also bought you the latest album you’ve been dying to buy so much.’

'That's ironic.' Minseok giggled. 'It's your birthday, but you bought me an album. It should've been me buying you one.'

'No.' He felt his forehead being caressed. 'You yourself are the best gift I've ever had in all of my birthdays.'

'That evening, I took you home. That was time when I decided to tell you that I loved you. I gave you a flower and told you that before you knew my name, I used to look at you far away and admire your beauty. You were really beautiful, and everything about you made me fall for you. I could not believe anything at that time when you told me you loved me too. I never thought...' He trailed off his words, but later on added with a bitter sigh; 'At that same night I kissed you.'

Even if his lips said the words, he felt the softness of it under his own.

'Really, I loved you, Minseok.' His hand twitched upon hearing his name. Minseok slowly wondered what he was like before, and how he was with Jongdae before everything started going wrong. His breath hitched, with his chest going up and down slowly. He wasn't dying, but it felt like there was a heavy feeling pressing his chest. 'Do you really love me that much?'

'I do. But when will you?' He went silent. Slowly, he felt breath around his face. The scent smelled like vanilla and cream, and his words were soothing as honey. 'If I'll kiss you to prove my love for you, will you love me now?'

There were no words. In the silence that wrapped the entirety of the two people, Minseok's breath hitched again, fingers twitching in nervousness as there was a heavy force pulling him down to his bed, the sweet smell of vanilla became stronger with the temperature becoming lower and lower. Soft, tender lips had touched another, with his heart beating in an irregular pattern he was familiar with. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to feel.

It was all an E minor. 'Love me please, I beg you.'

In the same lonely evening, Minseok was kissed by him again.


	3. moonlight sonata

_the truth hurts more than the lie_

* * *

 

He clicked his tongue in annoyance.

Junmyeon stood in front the window covered blinds, sunshine slowly passing through like water seeping underneath. There was a worried look in his face, dark circles underneath his dull eyes, and dry, quivering lips. On his head were bandages wrapped on his forehead, along with his chest having a medium-sized scar that was recently healed. Sitting on the cushion across him were Chanyeol, Sehun and Kyungsoo, who shared the same stressed look.

It has been the fifth time, as Sehun counted, that he saw him sigh. ' _Hyung_ , it's not your fault. Remember that.'

'I know, but everything happened because I was there. I wanted to close and clear everything that happened between us, but it all ended to this.' He pinched the bridge of his nose, while it became Chanyeol's turn to sigh as he slumped his back. 'It was all a mistake....'

'Did you told him everything yet?' asked Kyungsoo. Chanyeol shook his head. 'As of now, he lost half of his memories, and he is still under hospital arrest.'

Junmyeon turned his body to see Sehun playing with his phone. Cocking his eyebrow, he asked: 'How's is it going with your divorce?'

'She said she’ll just take a small amount of my properties.' Sehun replied. 'It's her decision that I was depending on. I cannot stop her from this.'

'Then why did you even cheat with her?'

'It was not that I 'cheated' on her,' He explained, eyes looking serious. 'That girl she thought I am cheating with was a stalker who came to me suddenly. I tried ignoring and pushing her away, but I soon realised that my wife's going to meet me, it was too late. She saw the stalker with me.'

'But... why didn't you tell her?'

'I don't want to hurt her more ever since our child had died.'

Everyone looked down, but suddenly, Chanyeol's phone lit up. Reading the message, the tall man could not help but to lick his lips in perplexity. Sehun noticed the long look on him and asked 'What is it,  _hyung_?'

'Remember the best friend of Jongdae?' Junmyeon, who was silent a while ago, rushed near to him. His eyebrows were raised, face anxious. 'Did he answer you?'

'Yes. He was in Dubai when we tried to talk to him.' Chanyeol looked at the message in the screen. 'He is coming to tell Minseok everything.'

'We reached to the point where we need to ask Jongdae's bestfriend, but not us who are his own, the truth, right?' Kyungsoo spoke after giving a sarcastic laugh. The mood was confusing; their minds rushing to ask too much questions, and everything was becoming more puzzling. After a long pause, he added. 'But it was only him who can explain what happened.’

* * *

 

_please remember that there's someone who loves you more than you love yourself_

* * *

 

' _You shine like the stars, you light up my heart_.' Minseok could hear the coldness of the day from Jongdae's voice. The room was filled with nothing but falsettos on every corner, as if there was snow falling down inside. Where he had stayed was still awfully the same; the unique but ugly smell of the hospital was still there, but with a faint hint of vanilla. He could not help but smile—he was too euphoric. 'I do think... I really love you now.'

He was surprised when there was no answer. Palms opened, he tried to reach for his face, and as soon as he reached it until his cheek, he froze. 'Jongdae?'

There were tears falling down. Each tear that slid from Jongdae's eyes were caught by Minseok's small hands, making him twitch in surprise. 'Why are you crying?'

'Do you really love me?'

'I do, why are asking that?'

'But do you? Really? Romantic feelings?'

He laughed, but then he fell serious—no, not that seriously serious. 'Your smile is beautiful... no everything about you is beautiful. I really do think I love you now.'

He can hear laughs being strained by tears. Hearing a sigh, he reached out for his hand, holding it tenderly. 'I love you, Jongdae. Are you happy now?'

'I am.' He can feel fingers coming closer to his face. 'Thank you.'

Slowly, he felt the same E minor again; the same feeling and scent of vanilla were spreading the whole room with untold feelings being opened like flower blooming. Jongdae’s breath coming closer made him feel the warmth that made his own hitched. The same irregular pattern came back again, but now Minseok was not nervous anymore. He now was happy.

Tender lips finally touched another in caring embrace, indulging in euphoria.

'Did you have any friends?' Minseok asked one day while eating the peeled tangerine from his plate. 'I did.'

'How many?'

'Just one.'

'Why?'

'He was actually my childhood best friend.' He can feel fingers touching his as he held the tangerine with his tiny hands. Minseok noticed that Jongdae has thin, bony hands, but they were not that smooth, as he can feel some veins. 'How about you?'

'Hmm...' He tried to think and remember the memories. 'Maybe four friends?'

'Really?'

'Yeah. There was Sehun, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo... and....'

'And?' Jongdae's voice got a little deeper as Minseok anticipated, making him bite his lip. 'Oh... Junmyeon.'

'Are they your best friends?' he asked, and Minseok noticed the hint of bitterness in his tone. 'No, not really. There was only one person who was really my best friend.'

'Who?'

'Junmyeon.' He replied, which then he heard him click his tongue. 'What's wrong?'

'Nothing—nothing's wrong.' He replied. 'Why him?'

'I don't know..' He trailed his words before adding, 'He self-proclaimed it, so it got stuck on me.'

'I se—'

'Do you know him?' The question asked by him was sounded too innocent and naïve, and Jongdae was too gentle for him to tell everything. 'He was just an acquaintance of mine.'

'I see.' He replied, 'What did you two do together?'

He gave a long pause, making Minseok wonder. He noticed that when he mentioned Junmyeon, the tone of his voice became a coffee with strong, bitter taste. His palms tapped on the mattress in anticipation before Jongdae spoke out, 'He was my first love.'

'He was?' He asked, tone sad and blue. A click of his tongue was heard, making him confused. 'I don't get why you're sad about this, Minseok.'

'Why?' He asked. 'Why wouldn't I be sad? I am not your first love.'

'But it doesn't matter. You're the one I love now.'

'I know, I know.' He replied. But suddenly—to his surprise, he can feel his blood boil inside his veins, with anger slowly being fortified with rage and wrath; with bitterness being tasted at the tip of his tongue. He was becoming confused. He sighed, before shouting; 'But I don't get why I am angry about this!'

'No. Minseok. Don’t.'

Minseok was in a state of total confusion. He doesn't know why, but he felt he was cooked up by hysteria. Everything felt irritating and annoying, adding too much from what he felt. He grabbed Jongdae by the shoulders in such great strength; he did not feel him trembling.

'Minseok... no... please don't do this....' Despite Jongdae's sobs and pleadings, he raised his hand, slapping it directly to his cheek, where he can feel the tears spilled on it. It repeated for a few times before he lost control of himself and threw him across the room. His breathing was too deep, too troubled and exasperated. His mind was in a cluttering mess, questions were jumbled up in scribbling manner, receiving nothing as an answer.

'Minseok... please, don't...' was all he can hear everywhere, yet he paid no heed.

Not until the door opened, revealing a blond man on the doorway.

'Minseok, what are you doing?'

Leather straps were tied everywhere around his body as he opened his blind eyes. Nothing else was felt—only restraint. He was confused—only biting his lip in order to try uttering a word that would cause no trouble. Jongdae was nowhere to be found; no hint of vanilla was smelled, no warmth was felt against the cold, artificial atmosphere. He knew he was just in the same room, but he felt it was too different having no Jongdae in there. He regretted what he had done to him; however, it wasn't his fault. It was like something was controlling him—controlling him to do harm on the man he loved. Everything was all silent until a voice called him out. 'Minseok.'

The voice isn't Jongdae's; but despite the uncertainty of it, he thought it was of familiarity—someone whose voice he had heard before. 'Who are you?'

'Don't you remember me?' He asked, almost in a sarcastic tone. 'Ah, I remember, your memories are shattered pieces of glass vaguely glued together.'

'I don't remember who you are...' He replied, words breathy. 'But I felt like I met you once.'

He scoffed. 'Not once. But for so many times. My name is Byun Baekhyun, by the way.'

'So you are Byun Baekhyun.' He replied, trying to reach his fingers, but his wrist was held firmly by him. 'What are you doing?'

'I'm trying to feel you.'

'You sound like a pervert.' He replied, and to Minseok's surprise, his hand reached his face. 'By any chance, are you the doctor?'

Baekhyun spoke nothing as Minseok tried feeling his face. He has soft, plump cheeks, with his eyes small and eyebrows thin. His nose was pointed but a bit different from Jongdae's. As he touched his lips, it was not tender and soft, but cold and rough. Without hesitating, he asked the same question; 'Are your lips pink?'

'No, they aren't.' He replied, while Minseok's thumb was there, feeling its swift movement. 'They are in the color of stale rose, once pinkish ever since the acid trip.'

'Acid trip?'

'Nothing.' He chirped. 'It was just an allegory. Anyway, I'm no doctor.'

'Then what are you? Who are you?'

'I told you. My name's Byun Baekhyun.' He can sense his smirk while Baekhyun's hand caught into his. 'I am just someone Junmyeon sent from Dubai.'

'Oh, Junmyeon... what for?'

'To tell you the truth.'

'The truth?' Minseok could hear Baekhyun scoff for the third time around. 'About Jongdae… He is gone.'

The answer made him confused. Everything was starting to become a warp of events, juggling into frenzy. 'What do you mean that he's gone? He is with me and we had done different things together in the past few days.'

Upon hearing his answer, Baekhyun was bewildered. ‘Things… you see him and do things with him?'

‘Not that I could see him, but I can feel him. On my bed once he let me feel his face.' He replied, while Baekhyun quietly gasped. 'He... he told me he loved me... and... he kissed me.'

'Are you sure about that?'

'Yes, I am. His lips were pinkish and soft.' Tears were slowly forming on Baekhyun's eyes as he sat beside him, but he tried his best not to break down in front of the patient. 'You can hear properly, right?'

'I can... why?' Slowly fishing out his phone, he played a video and placed it near Minseok's ear.

_'University student named Kim Jongdae was murdered on his apartment, with two men lying on the floor; Kim Minseok, who had his eyes burned by acid and Kim Junmyeon, who was unconcious. The three was sent to the nearby hospital but the murdered was dead on arrival. The suspect, as what Kim Junmyeon had testified after waking up, was Kim Minseok_.'

He then heard Junmyeon's voice.  _'I was just visiting Jongdae, and out of nowhere, Minseok came in and tried to murder him_.'

_'Can you explain why Minseok's eyes were burning_?'

_'I threw hydrochloric acid on his face in order to save Jongdae, but I got splashed too as he hit it._ '

_'Kim Jongdae died from 12 stabs in the chest, 3 on the face, and 5 on his neck. Kim Minseok is charged with murder and is now under hospital arrest. Park Soohyeon reporting._ '

Minseok was lost for words with his mouth wide open in shock. His fingers twitched while his whole body trembled and Baekhyun could feel this too, but the bitterness in his heart had given him the urge to slap him in the face. However, he resisted himself. 'I told you..he's gone... and you made him gone.'

'I killed...him?' He asked, words becoming a saturated delusion. Baekhyun could not help but to hold the small, tiny hands of the patient. 'He's just a figment of your imagination, Minseok. He is already dead.'

'So... all of the time, I was just talking to myself?' Baekhyun nodded, despite knowing he won't see it. 'You were just hitting air when I saw you a while ago. Also, you weren't confined because you were blind.'

'What am I confined for?'

'Hospital arrest. Then out for death penalty.'

To their surprise, the door suddenly opened, revealing two policemen and three nurses in green and behind them were Chanyeol, Sehun, Kyungsoo—along with Junmyeon—with worried faces. The men stood at the doorway as the nurses approached them. 'Kim Minseok, you're off to execution.'

* * *

 

_My selfishness that couldn't let you go_  
_Turned into an obsession that imprisoned you_  
_Were you hurt because of me?_  
_You sit silently_  
_Why am I a fool, why can't I forget you?_  
_You're already gone_

* * *

 

_What is really happening?_  was all he could ask to himself. He was moved into another mattress, and he felt like it was moving him to somewhere.  _Was it the one with wheels?_  He doesn't know. His fingers were tapping in an anxious manner, while his eyes were slowly blinking. There were a few turns; left, right, another right, and left. As soon as he heard the door creak, he sealed his lips.  _'It’s here.. it’s here..._ ' He repeated in slow, almost silent motions his lips acted, as if they danced on his sadness.

'When will the execution happened?' He heard voices as they placed him on another bed. 'Tomorrow.'

'Why is it too quick?' He can hear their tiny whispers on his ears as he stayed there motionless. 'He was actually proven guilty... and the mother of the victim wanted him to die.'

'Why? What really happened?'

'They're actually a gay couple.' He heard a gasp. 'What the hell. No surprise why the victim's mother wanted him to die.'

'I know...' The words had slowly trailed off as it faded when the door was closed. Minseok could not help but to sigh. His days are now counted, for something he didn't remember doing. The questions that were left unanswered, the memories lost over time, the gentle touch that never seemed to be harsh—he would soon leave those things buried on his soon-to-be-grave.

With an A minor making him blue, he is going to miss Jongdae forever.

'Are you here with me?' was the question he could only ask aloud as time passed by the little room he was in. It was all dark, there was no yellow-orange color he saw; but the room he was in was too harsh. Every second became fingers then hands that would slowly wrap around and tighten his neck. He was suffocating, as if every now and then, he was being killed softly. He felt like he was trapped.

' _Jun…myeon_?' The depths of the night had fallen into his deep slumber, but the memories seemed to be warped, making them the horrendous nightmares for him. The visions of him in Jongdae's apartment and the appearance of Junmyeon made his fingers twitch. But what seemed to click is the fact that they were in a suspicious position; Jongdae was on the floor, with Junmyeon atop of him, fingers on his now-dead boyfriend's shocked face. ' _Hyung, let me explain_ …'

_‘Fuck you. Fuck you!’_

_'Minseok... don't._ ' All he could see was blood that was spilling everywhere, screams that would intolerable to hear, shouts that were incoherent, and to his horror; Jongdae's broken and lifeless face. Suddenly, he can hear himself screaming, with blackness towering all over him.

The day had finally arrived for him.

_C#....C#.... G#.....C#..... E.... BB....G#...C#...._

The whole room had starting to be filled with the keys of the piano, with the sunlight stinging on his skin. He sealed his lips, tears falling slowly on his eyes. He was drenched in sweat; body tired being tied on bed. He wondered when the scent of vanilla had started to appear—faint, but can still be smelled, making his eyebrow twitch in surprise. 'Is that you Jongdae?'

The keys of the piano continued. He sighed as he recognised the song. It was the song Jongdae had played on the recital the first time he met him.

'Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven.'

The same _E#_ of his voice was heard, making him smile. But tears on his eyes were starting to add on his pain-induced smile. He sniffed. 'Jongdae?'

There was no answer.

To his surprise, a creaking noise was heard, from what he had assumed was the door on his south. Faint footsteps were heard along with wheels coming forward to him. A deep voice of a man, _F minor_ , spoke to him. 'Your name is Kim Minseok, right?'

'Yes, I am.' He replied, disappointed as he expected the one he had been searching to answer was not the one who replied. He heard a sigh. It was a _B minor_ , breathy feel to his skin. ‘I am Dr. Kim Jongin, a physician-scientist.’

'Ah, a PhD holder.' He replied while hearing some clicking sounds. 'I attained that title a few years ago.'

'Really? How sad, it’s going to be a waste.' He can feel his skin crawl as he knew he meant it sarcastically. 'Do you know what you're into here?'

'I do.'

'What is it?'

'I'm here to die.' He licked his lips. 'Very well. What's your case?'

'Homicide.' He clenched his jaw and fists. 'For killing someone I...'

'Someone you?' He can feel cold cotton applied to his skin, probably on his arm. 'Ah, I remember. You're the one who killed his boyfriend out of jealousy, right?'

He did not reply. He heard the doctor sigh again. 'You know why I speak so sarcastically despite I pity y'all who's gonna die because you killed out of love? It's because you're a victim of yourselves.'

Silence was his answer, making Jongin scoff then retort. 'Hey, are you listening?'

'I am... I just don't want to talk.'

'Ah, I get it.' He continued. 'You're victims of yourselves; your love was too much that it triggered too much hatred, too much anger, that it swallowed you all. Love is a parasite, I suppose. You would never do things that you never expected if you're in love. Hell no, would you be able to cancel your meeting to your possible client if you don't have someone telling you to come home because they are sick? Or maybe giving something special because you treasure them? I tell you, you're all being controlled by that.'

'Why are you so bitter?'

'Why are you so murderous, then?' He retorted. 'Wow, you really loved him so much that you killed him. Too much love will kill you, really huh?'

He did not speak. As soon as he can feel the needle sting on his skin, the pressure was pulling it within him. He opened his blind eyes, lips quivering and hands twitching. This was it.

The payment for the sin he committed out of love.

Slowly, the faint tune of Moonlight Sonata was heard. A smile appeared on his face as he counted the seconds until all the pain and misery he felt were already gone.

_AF#... B.... D#....._

_'I love you, Minseok._ '

* * *

 

_My memories go back  
To when I was with you _  
_Not far away no_  
_I miss you as time goes by_  
_Your pretty voice And even your shallow breath_

 


	4. in his daydreams (prequel)

_How nice would it be if I could reach you_   
_Even in my dreams, if I could stay one more night_

* * *

Junmyeon was too distracted in his class.

It was the same morning when he had walked up to the stairs towards his classroom when he suddenly saw a guy running faster than him; a silly hat of the typical clown-in-the-box sitting on his head while bouncing on every moment. Luckily, no one noticed due to him speeding but it made the latter wonder to himself why he was distracted by it.

As far as he can remember, the boy, possibly a few years younger than him, was tall, had thin eyebrows and pink lips, and had that prominent permed hair. Junmyeon tries to think again, even harder, on what was the reason this stranger of a boy was starting to stick in his mind instead of the lesson the professor was disscussing.

_He looks like a fucking clown, why the fuck is that on his head?_

Kim Junmyeon was on his third year in college. Ever since he was a kid, he had opted to be an opera singer, thus to his growing adult years, he had chosen to study in Performing Arts. There was nothing special around it, but as long as there was singing into it, he had hugged it as if it was something precious to him. He was a theater actor, despite singing was his passion, he had started to love the art of acting too. Junmyeon was not also someone who had a passion, he was also someone everyone had passionately looked their eyes at. Oblivious to the fact that he was an apple to the eyes secretly gazing, he had lived a life as a glassed college student with friends.

A few moments afterwards, he sighed, removing the glasses from him. He then massaged the bridge of his nose, hoping that it would lessen the memory of the boy running across the hallway with a big smile on his face, but he was wrong.

Instead it was getting worse.

To his frustration, he gave a little grumble, causing Sehun, his donsaeng, notice. He scooted nearer before asking 'Anything wrong,  _hyung?_ '

He shook his head, but a curve appeared on Sehun's mouth as he knew he was lying. 'Quit lying,  _hyung._ I know there's something in your head.'

'Quit it, Sehun.'

'Well unless you tell me what's inside your mind, I guess.' Junmyeon could not help but stare at the younger man in disbelief. 'Excuse me, what?'

Sehun had ruffled his brown hair as he placed his head on the table while looking at him. 'Spill the tea,  _hyung._ I deduct that you have girl problems.'

'So you're acting like a detective now, huh?' He retorted after he scoffed. 'I have no time for relationships, Sehun. You know how I'm committed to this.'

'Committed my ass,' He replied, looking at the professor. 'You're distracted now.'

'It's just nothing, Sehun.'

'Ah,' He started to whine. 'Just tell it already!'

'Fine, fine.' He shook his head. Sehun had the manner of being treated like a baby, plus his nature of being stubborn made it harded for the man to say no to him. He sighed again. 'There's a boy who I saw a while ago.'

'And?' He asked, discreetly fishing out the phone from his pants.

'I...' He doesn't want to tell everything now. It's weird. 'I can't get him out of my head.'

To his surprise, Sehun gave a hearty laugh. It was loud that it made everyone, including the professor, placed their attention on him. Ashamed, he bowed his head repeatedly and uttered a sorry. Junmyeon looked at him confused as soon as he took out his phone after snickering. 'What are you doing?'

'I better tell Chanyeol- _hyung_  about this.' He opened his phone with a huge grin on his face. '40,000 won, come to daddy!'

'What are you talking about? What's with Chanyeol?'

His eyes trail down on his phone, where he saw the caller ID of Chanyeol appearing. He sat confused as the younger man placed it nearer on his ear, smile becoming larger than ever. ' _Hyung, hyung,_ my 40,000 won.'

To answer his question, Junmyeon had scooted closer to him. ' _Why?_ '

'It's confirmed.  _Hyung's_ gay!' He replied with a giggle, making him widen his eyes. 'Now, later give me--'

Junmyeon grabbed his phone in no time. 'What are you doing?'

'What?'

'You've placed a bet on me?'

Sehun rolled his eyes at him. 'Of course. We had an argument before whether you're gay or not, so we placed a bet.'

'Wow, you really are good friends.' He replied, sitting back with pure disappointment on his face. 'Did Kyungsoo join?'

He shook his head. 'He said that he shouldn't be involved in childish acts like this.'

'Well, he's right, actually.'

'But  _hyung_ , are you really gay?'

He sat silent for a moment, looking down to think. Is he gay? 'I.. I don't know.'

'Really? Then why are you thinking about that boy?'

'I don't know. I just saw him walking with a smile on his face. Plus he had curly hair and a funny hat.'

'Then you are gay. I conclude it as a man.'

'Excuse me.' He leaned in closer to him, speaking sarcastically. An eyebrow was lifted. 'But having a dick gives you no power to say which is gay or not.'

'But still, you're pretty gay,  _hyung._ ' He ignored him, slowly moving his head on the board. Sehun looked at him mischeviously, as if he knew there something. Slowly raising his head, he placed his arms on the table while looking at him with a smile. 'I think I know him, hyung.'

Junmyeon ignored him.

That made him smile even more, forming cresent in his evil face.

'Kim Jongdae. Second year. Conseratory of Music.'

Despite he ignored his words again, Junmyeon could not help but to keep in mind the name of the guy who stole his attention.

Kim Jongdae. A conservatory student.

Junmyeon could not help but to shake his head. A music student with a funny hat? This must be a joke.

* * *

It was another tiring day for the man with a funny hat.

He made an embarrassing mistake as he ran on the way his class. He had slept with a hat as he reached to his apartment after his work and forgot to remove it as he rushed to go to the university. He ran, a huge smile appearing on his face, while forgetting the fact that he didn’t take a bath.

Yes, that sounds gross to everyone, but it was fine for him. It's just his second time. But for him not to fuck up his scholarship, he goes to school early just to study for his future. His curls bounced as he reached the stairs, with his grey shirt flying. He stopped as soon as he saw the blond walking out the door. 'Baekhyun!'

'Ah, Jongdae!' He shouted, leaning on the wall. As soon as he stopped right in front of him, he looked at him from head to toe before laughing loud, making everyone turn to him, which he ignored. He then placed a finger on his nose with a disgusted look. 'You didn't shower, did you?'

He nodded like a kid. 'Told you!'

Kim Jongdae was an ordinary college student. He studied in the conservatory of Music, and had juggled study and work at the same time. In the morning, he is a full-time student who is trained in vocals and piano, while in the evening he works on a toddler house, where children would be playing for an hour with toys while their parents would look at them with awe. With the arms and legs that supported him, every day was nothing but tiring.

Jongdae looked at him and whined. 'Can you stop complaining? It's just my second time anyway!'

'Well, well... Anyway.. wow you're not late like the usual.' Byun Baekhyun, his bestfriend since childhood, commented. 'But despite not showering, you look hot.'

'Are you flirting with me?'

'What makes you think I'm flirting with you?' He hit his chest playfully with his small hands Jongdae described as 'pretty'. 'Just sock up the compliment, Jesus!'

Jongdae didn't reply as he went inside the room. Sitting there was a piano they used for their lessons, and he was tempted by the sunlight hitting the smooth black cover, making it shine.

'Jongdae, don't do it.' He turned to see Baekhyun holding his wrist. He pouted. 'Can't I just sit and play before the professor comes?'

'You know what happened the last time you did that.' spoke Baekhyun in a stern voice. His grip on his wrist was becoming tighter as he tried to let go. 'No, don't!'

'Ah, no!'

'Yes, just be a good kid.'

'I am not a fucking kid, Jesus!' It was a game of push and pull, Baekhyun tried so hard to resist and pull the man from getting near the instrument. But the man's strength was too strong. 'Ah, Kim Jongdae!'

Jongdae ran to the black piano, eyes glistening along with the huge smile on his face appearing. He loved the piano, ever since he had touched it with his tiny fingers when he was five; at his grandparents' house that was now a demolished piece of land sitting in the outskirts in Samsung- _dong_. He lifted the cover, only to reveal a set of black and white keys in front of him. How happy was he when his long, slender fingers had touched the ivory keys, pressing a bit of pressure to produce a sound.

Everyone's eyes were fixated on him, while Baekhyun stood in front of him, embarrassed. His cheeks grew a rosy color as he softly played the piano. He started, hesitatingly, with just a key.

C.

Then he continued with a major.

For so many times, ever since he had seen the piano, he had wanted to perform the piece he had loved that had reached his ears since childhood. The piece he had wanted to play with his own hands ever since he had heard it from them.

 _La bohéme, 'O soave fanciulla_ , Puccini. Act I.

His hands had played the piece softly, with everyone's eyes diverting into him. Every second, Baekhyun could not help but to have his second-hand embarrassment fade, the way Jongdae had played it calmed him; even better when the latter closed his eyes and smiled while swaying. He whispered while feeling the music, 'Fucking hell, this kid is too stubborn.'

It was all good and calming until the professor showed up.

'You're really an idiot,' commented Baekhyun as soon as Jongdae went out the professor's office. 'You know what will happen, but still you did it, dumbass.'

'I know... but I fear it this time.'

'Why?'

'He gonna drop me on the recital if I do it again.' He replied, lips pouting, making Baekhyun mess his hair with his hand. 'Ah, that's okay. Just don't do it again, okay?'

He nodded, lips still pouting in color pink as possible. The curls on his hair were bouncing as he nodded, and had continued as they both walked. They stopped as soon as Baekhyun then pressed his body on the wall, making the younger look at him in confusion. 'There he is.'

'Who?' He looked around, only to see a group of people walking toward him. They were in contrasting, assorted heights: a tall, orange-haired man, a small, bald one with big cheeks but with a stoic expression, another man with an extremely tall height, and prominent large ears sticking out his cap. And finally, a not-so-short man with glasses.

Jongdae blinked at the sight of him. He was pretty.

'What do you mean 'he'?' He asked as the four moved past them unnoticed. Baekhyun turned to him with a smile and sparkling eyes. 'Ah, Kyungsoo looks cute today!'

'What Kyungsoo?' He looked at tall man with large ears and pointed his back. 'Is that the guy with yoda ears?'

He swept his hand playfully. 'No, the bald head.'

'The one who looks blank?' He nodded. 'Is he your crush?'

'No?'

'What?'

'He looks like a penguin!' He exclaimed while peeking at the group walking away with their backs facing them. 'He looks like an egg to me.'

Baekhyun glared at him. 'Whatever.'

'Whatever you say,' He replied, standing in front of him. 'I guess we're late for our vocal classes, huh?'

As they walked the opposite of where the group had walked off to, Jongdae could not help but to have the boy with glasses be imprinted on his head.

That guy was fucking pretty.

* * *

_I remember you with my eyes_   
_I trace you with my mind and I feel warm_   
_If you feel the same as I do_   
_Please remember me_

* * *

 'You said his name was Kim Jongdae, right?' spoke Chanyeol as the three of them sat on one of the canteen tables, eating. Kyungsoo arrived with a bored look, knowing the topic of their conversation would be about Junmyeon, and had sat beside the giggling Sehun. 'Yeah, I often see him working on that store. Thanks for the prize money, by the way!'

Chanyeol groaned while Junmyeon looked annoyed as he played with his food. As he noticed it, he grabbed his wrist and pointed the food along with the stern look appearing his face. 'You're not a kid anymore, hyung. You don't play with food, Jesus!'

He rolled his eyes in reply and pouted. 'It's just... argh, I can't get him out of my head!'

'Just keep thinking about him.' Kyungsoo suggested as he clicked his chopsticks. 'It will fade, rather than trying to forget; it will lead to a permanent picture in your head.'

'Are you doing that with Chanyeol-hyung, too?' asked Sehun, who was all giddy. He earned a glare from Kyungsoo and a surprised look from Chanyeol. 'What?'

'Nothing,' He turned his attention to eating his food. While Junmyeon then asked, 'Where's Minseok- _hyung_  by the way?'

'He's on his doctorate so he's busy,' replied Chanyeol as he took a bite from his burger. Sehun on the other hand, smirked as he drew his face nearer to Junmyeon, who in the other hand, was starting to eat with a thoughtful face. He chirped, 'Why are you changing the topic, hyung?'

'Just tell us the story of your dream boy, hyung.' spoke Kyungsoo. 'Don't be a  _pusillanimous_  bitch.'

Everyone was in awe. But Kyungsoo was studying Literature, no wonder his words were out of this world.

'Ah,' Junmyeon started, staring the white finish of the table in order to dodge the piercing stares of his friends. 'He had permed hair.'

'Oh, a curly guy. Does he sing?'

'I… I don't know!' He replied, flustering. Sehun could not help but to laugh at his reaction. 'You're really are something, hyung. '

'W-what?'

'Look at you flustering!' He replied, placing a hand on his mouth as he giggled. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, however, turned at him with bored looks. 'Since you know, Sehun, does this Jongdae sing?'

He paused. 'Ah, yes. He sang a song from Madame Butterfly on their recital last year. It was pretty clean and gosh, that guy had the talent in playing the piano, too!'

'Really?' The three asked the youngest in unison. 'Yeah... but didn't we perform in that recital too?'

Junmyeon blinked his eyes. 'What?'

'The recital... your class performed The Storm and Silence... last year?' asked the tallest.

He gave an 'Oh.'. 'I guess I just noticed him until now.'

'Which human being caught the attention of my little Junnie?' Everyone's heads turned to the short jacket-clad man who was right beside Junmyeon. A hand was placed in his shoulder and a huge, kind grin was across his face. 'Ah, Minseok- _hyung_.'

'It's nothing, hyung.' replied Junmyeon as he sighed, pinching his forehead. On the other hand, Chanyeol protested, 'It's not that it's nothing,  _hyung_! He got some boy problems!'

'Boy problems?' Minseok asked, eyebrows raised in confusion making Sehun smirk mischievously. 'It looks like he got a crush by a passerby from the conservatory.'

'Really?' He asked, amused. His eyes then trailed a group of students he recognised as his classmates and turned to them with a sigh. 'I want to talk much more, but class is starting. See you next time!'

'Bye _, hyung_!' They all waved their hands and turned his heads in unison as the man walked away. Chanyeol shouted, 'Keep up the good work, Minseok- _hyung_!'

'I will, thank you!' He shouted back before walking away out from their sight. Kyungsoo then drew himself nearer. 'You're not a social butterfly, Sehun. How come you know the conservatory student?'

'Simple.' He showed a smile different from the usual. 'He had this loud friend.'

Day by day, as Junmyeon would realise, he had been longing to see the perm-haired boy with a smile. In his dreams, he had tried to remember his face again, and again.

Kim Jongdae. The brown perm-haired boy of the Conservatory of Music.

As he sleeps into his slumber up to the time he opens his eyelids to the sunlight stinging his skin on his room, a smile was plastered on his face. He doesn't know why, but it had budded a feeling on his chest just by thinking about that boy. Every night in his dreams, he had tried remembering everything; the beautiful length of his eyelashes along with the soft look of his chestnut brown eyes, the way his nose was sculptured like the Greek marble statues he had seen in museums and the alabaster skin kissed by the sun along with his kissable lips painted in warm pink were all flashing back.

He had tried to reach a hand to him in his slumber, but it ended up in shattering frustration as the man grew farther and farther, as if he was out of his reach.

And that's how he realised; Junmyeon was close to his little crush on a boy the distance like two countries separated by an ocean.

What's worse is that the boy doesn't even know him.

He could not help but to sigh. What a dreamer.

But his frustration had started to enlighten a little bit as soon as heard the professor announcing on them acting the Last Kiss on the recital. His eyes brightened, as what Sehun had noticed ever since the professor mentioned it, and he could not help but to laugh.

He is really in love at all; he's just unaware of it.

The whole night, Junmyeon was not able to fall asleep due to the overwhelming joy his ears have heard. A huge grin was on his face the whole week, and the three of his friends found it new to see him smiling as large as the tacos they've been eating.

He was really happy that he stood up from his bed, sat on his study table and began writing.

 _Dear Jongdae_. Those were the first words he wrote from the ink of his fountain pen gifted by his father on his graduation, and a smiling Junmyeon was on his study table, words illuminated warmly by the lamp beside him.

There were times that he would steal glances and glimpse on the Conservatory where he'd been sneaking from the day he had knew the room where he often practice. Jongdae was oblivious to the fact that there were eyes looking at him discreetly with affection, but he was inspired to play the piece he'd been longing to play because of someone.

He had finally found inspiration in his life to continue it, and it was all thanks to him.

From what Baekhyun heard, the man in glasses was Kim Junmyeon, and was a theater actor. He is known to be one of the eye candies of the campus, and Jongdae could not deny the fact that he was one. His pure alabaster skin had made him look soft along with eyes that cutely folds as he scrunches; his brown eyes that shows its true colors once the sunshine hits his face, and he liked looking at him as if he was the painting of Eugene Delacroix named  _the Liberty_.

To Jongdae, the man with glasses was a masterpiece. He could feel his heart flutter thinking of him.

The fluttering of his heart had turned into wild, loud palpations as his eyes trailed to the door, where the man on his mind stood, wide-eyed, as if he was caught.

He also sat there, agape. His eyes went wide, staring at the other’s brown ones where their gazes locked. He was beautiful, as he had thought as he continued staring at him. He was still wearing his glasses, on which he had noticed, was in silver. The two looked at each other in full silence, only for the actor to look away. When he saw him walking away, he hesitated no more. 'Ah, excuse me!'

Junmyeon turned to him, pure anxiety written in his eyes. 'Y-yes?'

But he chickened out a little. 'Do you want to join me?'

'What?'

'Do you want to join me in playing the piano?' He gave a smile, making Junmyeon feel his cheeks heating. The curls on his lips were making looking innocent, as if Jongdae was a cherub. He wanted to run, but seeing there's no way out, he nodded. Walking towards him, his heart beat was getting louder, as if he was having a heart attack.

He stopped as soon as his legs touched the tiny wooden stool Jongdae was sitting. Clutching the script, he held it closer to his chest and looked at the ivory keys... then to his fingers. His fingers were really beautiful.  _He really a sculpture._

The silence between them was awkward, as if they were kindergarten students knowing the feeling of love for the first time; flustered red cheeks with hesitant murmurs, along with words that were only few but were hard to say. Jongdae moved his head to him. It was awkward, but he had to make a move. 'You're Kim Jun…?'

'Ah,' He looked around. 'K-kim Junmyeon. How did you know my name?'

He seamed his lips. Fuck. 'I heard you were on the lead role for the Last Kiss.'

'Ah,' He smiled, scratching his head as if he was relieved. He could slowly feel his heart calm a little bit. 'You're Kim Jongdae, r-right?'

Despite hearing the stuttering of Junmyeon, he patted the empty seat beside him. 'Sit beside me _, hyung_.'

The man looked at him, bewildered. A second later, he immediately moved right next to him. Jongdae then started playing with the G major. The man beside him did not have his focus on the piano chords, but the face of the pianist playing it. He breathed out, 'Beautiful.'

He smiled, turning to him. 'I know, right?  _La bohéme_  pulls your heartstrings through.'

He blinked as he avoided his gaze in disappointment. He did not mean it that way. 'Y-yeah.'

The two of them sat together in silence, with the piano playing its melody that reached to their ears. Both of them were satisfied, there were more than words that helped express the feelings inside them.

As soon as it ended, they both parted on their own ways the way the whiff of perfume lost its scent in the air suddenly.

There were no following meetings between the two. Everyone in Performing Arts and the Conservatory were busy practicing for the upcoming recital; different expectations were shouldered by the both of them, almost making them work without rest.

Sighing, Junmyeon sat on the benches on the campus, with a bottle of water beside him. He looked up to sky as he leant back, and saw the sunshine placed its light on the leaves of the tree above him, giving shade and luster at the same time. It was warm, not the usual stinging feeling he usually feels after staying under the sun. It was in the middle of the afternoon, and he is tired.

He's tired, plus the frustration forming in him was like a brick thrown on his head. Closing his eyes, he tried to remember the words they had conversed with each other.

_'You're Kim Jun?'_

_'Ah. Kim J-junmyeon. How did you know my name?'_

_'I—_

' _Hyung_?'

His eyes immediately opened and he sat up, only to see a man with permed hair in front of him, smiling more brightly than the sun. 'Jongdae?'

Their faces were just a meter apart.

Junmyeon's cheeks were starting to heat, however he tried his best to control it. Jongdae sat beside him, holding papers and a cup of iced coffee. 'What are those?'

'Ah, these?' He showed the papers to him. The papers were filled with lines and notes, along with numbers on the side. He read the title with his eyes. 'These are my sheet music.'

 _'La bohéme_? Isn't this the one you played last time?' He nodded. 'I'm going to sing it too!'

'Ah, really?' He nodded again, stretching his feet after placing the cup and the papers between them. Jongdae then leaned back, hair bouncing. 'Isn't the sky so warm today?'

'Yeah.' He looked up to the sky again. This time he noticed the clouds contrasting the blueness of the sky.  _'Hyung,_  have you ever loved someone?'

He looked at him, surprised making the latter laugh. 'It's funny, I'm asking questions even if we just met once accidentally. I'm sorry.'

'No need to say sorry.' He looked at him, reassuring. 'I was just passing by that time.'

'I see.' He replied, looking back to the sky. 'But have you ever loved someone?'

It took Junmyeon a moment. In his mind were contemplation: if he were to talk about it, he might blurt his feelings out. But seeing the man waiting with anticipation, he could do nothing but to start. 'I am someone who commits themselves to their studies. However, this time, I fell in love. They're unreachable. How about you?'

Jongdae could not help but to smile. It was pretty for Junmyeon; for him it was like the sun was placed right before his eyes. 'I liked someone. I saw them by chance walking with friends, and my friend would often scream compliments to the bald one in the form of whispering, but there was one guy who caught my attention. He was pretty.'

'You're gay?' He asked. The way Jongdae described them, it felt like he was describing the group of his friends. A bald one? Kyungsoo? Jongdae smiled at him as he nodded. 'Why?'

'Nothing's wrong. It's just that... ah, no, continue.'

To his surprise, Jongdae sat up, and leaned his face closer to him.

'You're pretty _, hyung_. Ah, no...' He shook his head immediately, making Junmyeon confused. He then smiled. 'You’re beautiful.'

To their surprise, the sheets flew and fell into the ground. The two of them tried to pick everything up at the same time, only to make them trip and fall to the ground.

It only took a fall to make their lips brush one another.

Kim Junmyeon was above Kim Jongdae, and both of them were wide-eyed in surprise. To lessen the awkwardness; Junmyeon stood up and picked up the papers immediately before bidding a 'goodbye' before rushing away, leaving a dumbfounded Jongdae on the ground.

He tried to run away just to hide the fact that his face was red as a tomato.

The evening afterwards was just him kicking and screaming his bed, like a teenage girl being taken out on a date for the first time. He was extremely happy; full of euphoria that he even thanked all gods he knew and his dead relatives.

He tried remembering everything that happened between them; the softness of his pinkish lips that was as smooth as white chocolate, and the way he had felt his skin under his hold, like crushed velvet. Junmyeon thought that he had kissed the lips of an angel.

But he was too embarrassing; he ran away. He hated remembering that.

And with that, he had decided and gathered the courage to confess to him. But being the chicken that he used to be, he will turn this courage into words.

Into words Jongdae will never forget.

* * *

_Actually, my heart is deep,_   
_deeper than the sea_   
_The words that I really want_   
_to say is be with me_

* * *

 It was the day of Jongdae's music recital.

'What are we doing here,  _hyung?_ ' asked Chanyeol as the four of them sat on the audience. There were people everywhere in the hall, and Junmyeon was anxious. 'I just want to see him perform, that's all.'

'Wait,' Sehun grabbed his knee. 'You two knew each other already?'

He nodded, making him wheeze in return. 'Wow, I never expected a pussy like you would try introducing yourself to him.'

'Can you stop teasing him?' groaned Kyungsoo, cutting them all off. 'It's already starting.'

They all turned to the stage. There was a trail of light spotting the white piano, which was sitting in the middle. Junmyeon's heartbeat was starting to race as soon as a man, in his black tuxedo, had walked his way to where the piano was, sporting a stoic look, with the feeling of seriousness being felt around him. The whole audience was silent, and all Junmyeon could hear was just his heart.

'Performing  _'O soave fanciulla_ from the play  _La bohéme_ by Puccini, here is Kim Jongdae performing as Rodolfo.' Claps were heard as he sat on his seat before opening the case. Junmyeon could see him sigh, looking at the piano with a serious look.

'Isn't he going to sing?' asked Chanyeol, who was already scratching the itch he felt from his pants. He then received a pinch on his side by Sehun, causing him to let out a silent whimper, only to gather a small attention from the other two. 'Just wait,  _hyung._ He had a surprise last year.'

'How did you even managed to watch this when you're practicing the Storm and Silence?'

'I was actually bored when we rehearsed, and the fact that my role was just a butler makes it five times more boring.' He replied, leaning back to his seat. Junmyeon, however, did not take his eyes from him, even when Jongdae had touched the ivory keys softly.

And there he started. The way the music had started to overwhelm the audience was also felt by Junmyeon, however the feeling he felt was far different from the spectators or his friends, it was something he couldn't explain.

It was far more unexplainable than words.

Jongdae tried his best not to fuck up or to get distracted. The fact that he knew that Junmyeon was in the audience made it more nervous-wrecking for him.  Every touch or key he had pressed was all dedicated to him, and by just thinking about the next move he's going to make, he wanted to let him know how he feels through it.

Oh lovely maiden? More like Oh, lovely gentleman.

He smiled as he closed his eyes, swaying as he tried to feel the music. His feelings for Junmyeon were getting bigger, and he couldn't believe he made the first move. He was happy; really happy. Ever since the kiss had happened, he was full of energy, as if he had taken too much energy drinks, but it was something he had taken inspiration of.

Kim Junmyeon was his own muse.

As soon as he stopped, he looked at the audience; especially to the man he'd been finding, and smiled, pearly white teeth glistening.

The man in the audience was confused, no one was clapping to the fact that Jongdae was already done. But to his suprise, the man stood up from his seat, and attached a microphone on his face. He seamed his lips and looked at everyone, before he started, with a voice loud as a trumpet, along with the lights turning on, only to reveal an orchestra behind him.

_Oh! sweet little lady! Oh, sweetest vision,_   
_With moonlight bathing your pretty face!_   
_The dream that I see in you is the dream I'll always dream!_

And just by seeing the shocked face of Junmyeon, he started to sing with his eyes closed, to stop himself from being distracted.

 _Hyung, I had loved you from the moment I saw you._ He wanted to say, he wanted to yell, he wanted to sing. But those weren't enough to let him know everything.

The recital ended, and Jongdae was greeted by a smiling Baekhyun, who was next to perform. 'Are you calling the souls from Underworld, huh?'

'What?'

'Your voice is too powerful, Jesus! I couldn't believe it; still you're pulling the surprise, huh? Good work.'

'Thanks.' He smiled at him, only to have a white envelope tied with a rose be smacked at him. As he caught it with his hands the moment it fell from his face, he asked, 'What's this?'

'A guy from Performing Arts gave me this.' He replied, looking at the item he was holding. His name is Sehun.'

'Sehun?' He furrowed his eyebrows. Baekhyun replied by cocking his eyebrow before poking him. 'Yeah, he told me to give it to you because the person wanted to give it to you got chickened out. Wow, you got a secret admirer, huh? Hail to the king of surprise operas!'

He laughed at his statement. But as soon as he heard the commentator announcing something, he pushed him. 'You better go now, Baek. You're next.'

'Am I?' He turned at the way to the stage. 'I guess I am. Anyway, see you!'

'Good luck, do your best!' He yelled, only to receive an 'I will' from him. He took a look on the letter; color white with a prominent red wax stamp pressed in the middle. He then read the words' _[O soave signore, Kim Jongdae](https://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/1245366)_  ( _Linked to full letter_ ) _,_ only to make him laugh.

He walked to the piano room where they first saw each other, only to be met by the wind from the window. He sat on the same stool where they both sat before; the same side where they both listened. He picked the rose that he noticed had its thorns removed, and twirled it between his fingers before smelling it. It wasn't the scent of the flower, but the lingering scent of him was there. He smiled wide and giggled before trying hard to open the letter.

He attempted a few times, only to sigh in defeat. He took a few minutes to find something to open it, as he borrowed a butter knife from the canteen outside the auditorium. A long letter was revealed as he opened it.

 _Dear Jongdae._ Those were the first words he read.

 _Junmyeon._ It was really him.

 _I love you._ Those were the last words, making a tear from his eye fall.

God, he was thankful he made the first move.

* * *

_Should I take courage and tell you?_   
_My ugly handwriting,_   
_this embarrassing letter_   
_These four words are not enough_   
_Like a man, I’ll show you through my actions_

* * *

It was the same bench where Junmyeon sat, his fingers were tapping the aged wood furiously, but he wasn't furious waiting, but instead he was angry at himself. He shouldn't have given the letter; and now he'll be meeting him. For some reason, after the Last Kiss, he was met by Baekhyun, who introduced himself as Jongdae's non-blood twin, and told him only three words.  _Bench. First Kiss. Afternoon._ He was bewildered, and asked him to clarify his confusion, but the man winked at him and ran to the door.

And now here he is, waiting on the bench where they first kissed accidentally, hoping to have his confession accepted.

He leaned back to the bench, looking at the sky. There were no clouds, but the sky was becoming a mixture of blue and orange. He sighed. It was the first time he had confessed to everyone, and it was the first time, too, that he gave attention to the spontaneous script of the play called love. He doesn't know what to do; he was just going to where the flow is going.

Only the movement of the lacklustered leaves were heard a while ago, but this time, it had the clicking of shoes on the brick pathway. He moved his head and saw him walking towards him, wearing a white jacket and pants. His hair was still permed, and he displayed a cheeky grin as he went near holding the same cup of iced coffee. Junmyeon had thought that this was a kind of dejá vu. ' _Hyung_.'

'Ah, Jongdae.' He stood up, motioning him to seat right beside him. Jongdae then placed his coffee not in between, but a few meters beside him before laughing. 'You're too early.'

He furrowed his eyebrows. 'What?'

'Isn't the one who told them which place and time would be the first to arrive in dramas?' He asked, only to be laughed at by him. 'Plus, how did you know it's the same bench?'

'Uh, isn't this the only bench in this place?' Jongdae then turned to look around before giving an 'Oh' in his realisation, only to be laughed at by Junmyeon again. 'Stop laughing at me!'

The older man placed his head back and sighed. 'I think I know the reason why you wanted to meet me, right?'

'Yeah. This is about the letter.' He turned to him. 'You're a funny person.'

'Am I?' He raised his eyebrows at him, still not sitting up. 'It's my first time to hear someone calling me a funny person.'

'Well, it's my honor.' He smiled, his eyes formed into cresents. 'But thank you for telling me everything.'

'Hm?'

'Everything. In your letter.'

'Oh.' He pulled up his glasses a little bit, and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Jongdae, do you know I hate you?'

Jongdae gave him a confused look. 'I... don't. Do you really?'

'Yeah.' He looked up to the sky. 'Why?'

'I hate you, Jongdae,' He tried to reach the sky by raising his hand in the air, only to look at the alabaster-colored hand he had. 'Because I am in love with you.'

He expected him to say words, but what he heard, to his surprise, was instead a laugh. 'You really are a funny person,  _hyung._ '

'What?'

'You are a funny person. And you know what?'

'Hm?' He asked as he continued to stare at the clouds, trying to hide the fact that he is embarrassed saying those words right in front of his face. Jongdae in the other hand, looked at him with a smile and loving eyes.

'I feel the same way too, _hyung._ '

A hand crept into his and Junmyeon could feel warmness in it, and the same time his cheeks were furiously blushing. ' _Hyung?_ '

'Ah...' He immediately sat up and turned away from him, trying to hide his flustering face, but with his hand still interlocked with Jongdae's. 'What's wrong?'

'I.. I just...Argh!' He screamed, with too much embarrassment of his blushing face, and at the same time the complete smile in his face. He could not believe it; it was just a mistake and it had turned to something like this.

Maybe creating a mistake isn't always bad.

' _Hyung, hyung,_ ' Jongdae spoke, trying to reach his face. It took a few push and pull, to make him in front of him. But as soon as he faced him, he hid with the both of his hands, making Jongdae laugh seeing his ears emitting heat and the color red. He pryed them open until he seen his reddish face looking down. 'Do you love me?'

He did not answer, but seeing him all flustered made him think it was cute. He tried to lower his face to see it, and squeezed his hand. It was too cute. But to his surprise, he nodded. 'I do. Y-you already knew i-it.'

He smiled before holding his chin to lift his face. Junmyeon's eyes were sparkling with embarrassment. 'I know, but you're being cute. I love teasing you.'

'I even hate you more!'

'It's okay because I love you.' He squeezed his hand again, and drew his face nearer to him, only to be separated by a few inches. The huge smile on his face had changed into a curled smirk. He breathed out, 'Can I kiss you?'

He opened his eyes wide. 'What?'

'Can I kiss you? If you're not going to answer, I will kiss you.' He chirped.

'Wa--' He was cut off with a pair of lips touching his forehead. Then to the nose, where he felt his lips bouce, and to his lips, where he felt the softness of it.

It wasn't just a puppy love-type peck. It was a kiss; lips locked in soft movements. His lips were velvetly, and were too soft to be real. He liked it; it was sweet.

Kim Junmyeon could never believe that the boy with a funny hat would become someone special to him.

It was the same bench where Junmyeon sat; his fingers were tapping the aged wood furiously, and he wasn't furious waiting, but instead he was angry at himself. He shouldn't have given the letter; and now he'll be meeting him. For some reason, after the Last Kiss, he was met by Baekhyun, who introduced himself as Jongdae's non-blood twin, and told him only three words.  _Bench. First Kiss. Afternoon._ He was bewildered, and asked him to clarify his confusion, but the man said nothing and had instead winked at him before running to the door.

And now here he is, waiting on the bench where they first kissed accidentally, hoping to have his confession accepted.

He leaned back to the bench, looking at the sky. There were no clouds, but the sky was becoming a mixture of blue and orange. He sighed. It was the first time he had confessed to everyone, and it was the first time, too, that he gave attention to the spontaneous script of the play called love. He doesn't know what to do; he was just going to where the flow is going.

It was only the movement of lack lustered leaves was heard a while ago, but this time, it had the clicking of shoes on the brick pathway. He moved his head and saw him walking towards his direction, wearing a white jacket and pants. His hair was still permed, and he displayed a cheeky grin as he went near holding the cup of same iced coffee. Junmyeon had thought that this was a kind of dejá vu. ' _Hyung_.'

'Ah, Jongdae.' He stood up, motioning him to sit right beside him. Jongdae then placed his coffee not in between, but a few meters beside him before laughing. 'You're too early.'

He furrowed his eyebrows. 'What?'

'Ain't the one who told them which place and time would be the first to arrive in dramas?' He asked, only to be laughed at by him. 'Plus, how did you know it's the same bench?'

'Uh, isn't this the only bench in this place?' Jongdae then turned to look around before giving an 'Oh' in his realisation, only to be laughed at by Junmyeon again. 'Stop laughing at me!'

The older man placed his head back and sighed. 'I think I know the reason why you wanted to meet me, right?'

'Yeah. This is about the letter.' He turned to him. 'You're a funny person.'

'Am I?' He raised his eyebrows at him, still not sitting up. 'It's my first time to hear someone calling me a funny person.'

'Well, it's my honor.' He smiled, his eyes formed into crescents. 'But thank you for telling me everything.'

'Hm?'

'Everything. In your letter.'

'Oh.' He pulled up his glasses a little bit, and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Jongdae, do you know I hate you?'

Jongdae gave him a confused look. 'I... don't. Do you really?'

'Yeah.' He looked up to the sky. 'Why?'

'I hate you, Jongdae,' He tried reaching the sky by raising his hand in the air, only to look at the alabaster-colored hand he had. 'Because I am in love with you.'

He expected him to say words, but what he heard, to his surprise, was his laugh instead. 'You really are a funny person,  _hyung._ '

'What?'

'You are a funny person. And you know what?'

'Hm?' He asked as he continued to stare at the clouds, trying to hide the fact that he is embarrassed saying those words right in front of his face. Jongdae, in the other hand, looked at him with a happy smile and loving eyes.

'I feel the same way too, _hyung._ '

A hand crept into his and Junmyeon could feel warmness in it, and the same time his cheeks were furiously blushing. ' _Hyung?_ '

'Ah...' He immediately sat up and turned away from him, trying to hide his flustering face, but with his hand still interlocked with Jongdae's. 'What's wrong?'

'I.. I just...Argh!' He screamed, with too much embarrassment of his blushing face, and at the same time the complete smile in his face was appearing. He could not believe it; it was just a mistake and it had turned to something like this.

Maybe creating a mistake isn't always bad.

' _Hyung, hyung,_ ' Jongdae spoke while trying to reach his face. It took a few push and pull, to make him in front of him. But as soon as he faced him, he hid with the both of his hands, making Jongdae laugh seeing his ears emitting heat and the color red. He pried them open until he seen his reddish face looking down. 'Do you love me?'

He did not answer, but seeing him all flustered made him think it was cute. He tried to lower his face to see it, and squeezed his hand. It was too cute. But to his surprise, he nodded. 'I do. Y-you already knew i-it.'

He smiled before holding his chin to lift his face. Junmyeon's eyes were sparkling with embarrassment. 'I know, but you're being cute. I love teasing you.'

'I even hate you more!'

'It's okay because I love you.' He squeezed his hand again, and drew his face nearer to him, only to be separated by a few inches. The huge smile on his face had changed into a curled smirk. He breathed out, 'Can I kiss you?'

He opened his eyes wide. 'What?'

'Can I kiss you? If you're not going to answer, I will do it.' He chirped.

'Wa—' He was cut off with a pair of lips touching his forehead. Then to the nose, where he felt his lips bounce; and to his lips, where he felt the softness of it.

It wasn't just a puppy love-type peck. It was a kiss; lips locked in soft movements. His lips were velvety, and were too soft to be real. He liked it; it was sweet.

Kim Junmyeon could never believe that the boy with a funny hat would become someone special to him.

It was the same bench where Junmyeon sat; his fingers were tapping the aged wood furiously, and he wasn't furious waiting, but instead he was angry at himself. He shouldn't have given the letter; and now he'll be meeting him. For some reason, after the Last Kiss, he was met by Baekhyun, who introduced himself as Jongdae's non-blood twin, and told him only three words.  _Bench. First Kiss. Afternoon._ He was bewildered, and asked him to clarify his confusion, but the man said nothing and had instead winked at him before running to the door.

And now here he is, waiting on the bench where they first kissed accidentally, hoping to have his confession accepted.

He leaned back to the bench, looking at the sky. There were no clouds, but the sky was becoming a mixture of blue and orange. He sighed. It was the first time he had confessed to everyone, and it was the first time, too, that he gave attention to the spontaneous script of the play called love. He doesn't know what to do; he was just going to where the flow is going.

It was only the movement of lack lustered leaves was heard a while ago, but this time, it had the clicking of shoes on the brick pathway. He moved his head and saw him walking towards his direction, wearing a white jacket and pants. His hair was still permed, and he displayed a cheeky grin as he went near holding the cup of same iced coffee. Junmyeon had thought that this was a kind of dejá vu. ' _Hyung_.'

'Ah, Jongdae.' He stood up, motioning him to sit right beside him. Jongdae then placed his coffee not in between, but a few meters beside him before laughing. 'You're too early.'

He furrowed his eyebrows. 'What?'

'Ain't the one who told them which place and time would be the first to arrive in dramas?' He asked, only to be laughed at by him. 'Plus, how did you know it's the same bench?'

'Uh, isn't this the only bench in this place?' Jongdae then turned to look around before giving an 'Oh' in his realisation, only to be laughed at by Junmyeon again. 'Stop laughing at me!'

The older man placed his head back and sighed. 'I think I know the reason why you wanted to meet me, right?'

'Yeah. This is about the letter.' He turned to him. 'You're a funny person.'

'Am I?' He raised his eyebrows at him, still not sitting up. 'It's my first time to hear someone calling me a funny person.'

'Well, it's my honor.' He smiled, his eyes formed into crescents. 'But thank you for telling me everything.'

'Hm?'

'Everything. In your letter.'

'Oh.' He pulled up his glasses a little bit, and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Jongdae, do you know I hate you?'

Jongdae gave him a confused look. 'I... don't. Do you really?'

'Yeah.' He looked up to the sky. 'Why?'

'I hate you, Jongdae,' He tried reaching the sky by raising his hand in the air, only to look at the alabaster-colored hand he had. 'Because I am in love with you.'

He expected him to say words, but what he heard, to his surprise, was his laugh instead. 'You really are a funny person,  _hyung._ '

'What?'

'You are a funny person. And you know what?'

'Hm?' He asked as he continued to stare at the clouds, trying to hide the fact that he is embarrassed saying those words right in front of his face. Jongdae, in the other hand, looked at him with a happy smile and loving eyes.

'I feel the same way too, _hyung._ '

A hand crept into his and Junmyeon could feel warmness in it, and the same time his cheeks were furiously blushing. ' _Hyung?_ '

'Ah...' He immediately sat up and turned away from him, trying to hide his flustering face, but with his hand still interlocked with Jongdae's. 'What's wrong?'

'I.. I just...Argh!' He screamed, with too much embarrassment of his blushing face, and at the same time the complete smile in his face was appearing. He could not believe it; it was just a mistake and it had turned to something like this.

Maybe creating a mistake isn't always bad.

' _Hyung, hyung,_ ' Jongdae spoke while trying to reach his face. It took a few push and pull, to make him in front of him. But as soon as he faced him, he hid with the both of his hands, making Jongdae laugh seeing his ears emitting heat and the color red. He pried them open until he seen his reddish face looking down. 'Do you love me?'

He did not answer, but seeing him all flustered made him think it was cute. He tried to lower his face to see it, and squeezed his hand. It was too cute. But to his surprise, he nodded. 'I do. Y-you already knew i-it.'

He smiled before holding his chin to lift his face. Junmyeon's eyes were sparkling with embarrassment. 'I know, but you're being cute. I love teasing you.'

'I even hate you more!'

'It's okay because I love you.' He squeezed his hand again, and drew his face nearer to him, only to be separated by a few inches. The huge smile on his face had changed into a curled smirk. He breathed out, 'Can I kiss you?'

He opened his eyes wide. 'What?'

'Can I kiss you? If you're not going to answer, I will do it.' He chirped.

'Wa—' He was cut off with a pair of lips touching his forehead. Then to the nose, where he felt his lips bounce; and to his lips, where he felt the softness of it.

It wasn't just a puppy love-type peck. It was a kiss; lips locked in soft movements. His lips were velvety, and were too soft to be real. He liked it; it was sweet.

Kim Junmyeon could never believe that the boy with a funny hat would become someone special to him.

It was the same bench where Junmyeon sat; his fingers were tapping the aged wood furiously, and he wasn't furious waiting, but instead he was angry at himself. He shouldn't have given the letter; and now he'll be meeting him. For some reason, after the Last Kiss, he was met by Baekhyun, who introduced himself as Jongdae's non-blood twin, and told him only three words.  _Bench. First Kiss. Afternoon._ He was bewildered, and asked him to clarify his confusion, but the man said nothing and had instead winked at him before running to the door.

And now here he is, waiting on the bench where they first kissed accidentally, hoping to have his confession accepted.

He leaned back to the bench, looking at the sky. There were no clouds, but the sky was becoming a mixture of blue and orange. He sighed. It was the first time he had confessed to everyone, and it was the first time, too, that he gave attention to the spontaneous script of the play called love. He doesn't know what to do; he was just going to where the flow is going.

It was only the movement of lack lustered leaves was heard a while ago, but this time, it had the clicking of shoes on the brick pathway. He moved his head and saw him walking towards his direction, wearing a white jacket and pants. His hair was still permed, and he displayed a cheeky grin as he went near holding the cup of same iced coffee. Junmyeon had thought that this was a kind of dejá vu. ' _Hyung_.'

'Ah, Jongdae.' He stood up, motioning him to sit right beside him. Jongdae then placed his coffee not in between, but a few meters beside him before laughing. 'You're too early.'

He furrowed his eyebrows. 'What?'

'Ain't the one who told them which place and time would be the first to arrive in dramas?' He asked, only to be laughed at by him. 'Plus, how did you know it's the same bench?'

'Uh, isn't this the only bench in this place?' Jongdae then turned to look around before giving an 'Oh' in his realisation, only to be laughed at by Junmyeon again. 'Stop laughing at me!'

The older man placed his head back and sighed. 'I think I know the reason why you wanted to meet me, right?'

'Yeah. This is about the letter.' He turned to him. 'You're a funny person.'

'Am I?' He raised his eyebrows at him, still not sitting up. 'It's my first time to hear someone calling me a funny person.'

'Well, it's my honor.' He smiled, his eyes formed into crescents. 'But thank you for telling me everything.'

'Hm?'

'Everything. In your letter.'

'Oh.' He pulled up his glasses a little bit, and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Jongdae, do you know I hate you?'

Jongdae gave him a confused look. 'I... don't. Do you really?'

'Yeah.' He looked up to the sky. 'Why?'

'I hate you, Jongdae,' He tried reaching the sky by raising his hand in the air, only to look at the alabaster-colored hand he had. 'Because I am in love with you.'

He expected him to say words, but what he heard, to his surprise, was his laugh instead. 'You really are a funny person,  _hyung._ '

'What?'

'You are a funny person. And you know what?'

'Hm?' He asked as he continued to stare at the clouds, trying to hide the fact that he is embarrassed saying those words right in front of his face. Jongdae, in the other hand, looked at him with a happy smile and loving eyes.

'I feel the same way too, _hyung._ '

A hand crept into his and Junmyeon could feel warmness in it, and the same time his cheeks were furiously blushing. ' _Hyung?_ '

'Ah...' He immediately sat up and turned away from him, trying to hide his flustering face, but with his hand still interlocked with Jongdae's. 'What's wrong?'

'I.. I just...Argh!' He screamed, with too much embarrassment of his blushing face, and at the same time the complete smile in his face was appearing. He could not believe it; it was just a mistake and it had turned to something like this.

Maybe creating a mistake isn't always bad.

' _Hyung, hyung,_ ' Jongdae spoke while trying to reach his face. It took a few push and pull, to make him in front of him. But as soon as he faced him, he hid with the both of his hands, making Jongdae laugh seeing his ears emitting heat and the color red. He pried them open until he seen his reddish face looking down. 'Do you love me?'

He did not answer, but seeing him all flustered made him think it was cute. He tried to lower his face to see it, and squeezed his hand. It was too cute. But to his surprise, he nodded. 'I do. Y-you already knew i-it.'

He smiled before holding his chin to lift his face. Junmyeon's eyes were sparkling with embarrassment. 'I know, but you're being cute. I love teasing you.'

'I even hate you more!'

'It's okay because I love you.' He squeezed his hand again, and drew his face nearer to him, only to be separated by a few inches. The huge smile on his face had changed into a curled smirk. He breathed out, 'Can I kiss you?'

He opened his eyes wide. 'What?'

'Can I kiss you? If you're not going to answer, I will do it.' He chirped.

'Wa—' He was cut off with a pair of lips touching his forehead. Then to the nose, where he felt his lips bounce; and to his lips, where he felt the softness of it.

It wasn't just a puppy love-type peck. It was a kiss; lips locked in soft movements. His lips were velvety, and were too soft to be real. He liked it; it was sweet.

Kim Junmyeon could never believe that the boy with a funny hat would become someone special to him.

It was the same bench where Junmyeon sat; his fingers were tapping the aged wood furiously, and he wasn't furious waiting, but instead he was angry at himself. He shouldn't have given the letter; and now he'll be meeting him. For some reason, after the Last Kiss, he was met by Baekhyun, who introduced himself as Jongdae's non-blood twin, and told him only three words.  _Bench. First Kiss. Afternoon._ He was bewildered, and asked him to clarify his confusion, but the man said nothing and had instead winked at him before running to the door.

And now here he is, waiting on the bench where they first kissed accidentally, hoping to have his confession accepted.

He leaned back to the bench, looking at the sky. There were no clouds, but the sky was becoming a mixture of blue and orange. He sighed. It was the first time he had confessed to everyone, and it was the first time, too, that he gave attention to the spontaneous script of the play called love. He doesn't know what to do; he was just going to where the flow is going.

It was only the movement of lack lustered leaves was heard a while ago, but this time, it had the clicking of shoes on the brick pathway. He moved his head and saw him walking towards his direction, wearing a white jacket and pants. His hair was still permed, and he displayed a cheeky grin as he went near holding the cup of same iced coffee. Junmyeon had thought that this was a kind of dejá vu. ' _Hyung_.'

'Ah, Jongdae.' He stood up, motioning him to sit right beside him. Jongdae then placed his coffee not in between, but a few meters beside him before laughing. 'You're too early.'

He furrowed his eyebrows. 'What?'

'Ain't the one who told them which place and time would be the first to arrive in dramas?' He asked, only to be laughed at by him. 'Plus, how did you know it's the same bench?'

'Uh, isn't this the only bench in this place?' Jongdae then turned to look around before giving an 'Oh' in his realisation, only to be laughed at by Junmyeon again. 'Stop laughing at me!'

The older man placed his head back and sighed. 'I think I know the reason why you wanted to meet me, right?'

'Yeah. This is about the letter.' He turned to him. 'You're a funny person.'

'Am I?' He raised his eyebrows at him, still not sitting up. 'It's my first time to hear someone calling me a funny person.'

'Well, it's my honor.' He smiled, his eyes formed into crescents. 'But thank you for telling me everything.'

'Hm?'

'Everything. In your letter.'

'Oh.' He pulled up his glasses a little bit, and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Jongdae, do you know I hate you?'

Jongdae gave him a confused look. 'I... don't. Do you really?'

'Yeah.' He looked up to the sky. 'Why?'

'I hate you, Jongdae,' He tried reaching the sky by raising his hand in the air, only to look at the alabaster-colored hand he had. 'Because I am in love with you.'

He expected him to say words, but what he heard, to his surprise, was his laugh instead. 'You really are a funny person,  _hyung._ '

'What?'

'You are a funny person. And you know what?'

'Hm?' He asked as he continued to stare at the clouds, trying to hide the fact that he is embarrassed saying those words right in front of his face. Jongdae, in the other hand, looked at him with a happy smile and loving eyes.

'I feel the same way too, _hyung._ '

A hand crept into his and Junmyeon could feel warmness in it, and the same time his cheeks were furiously blushing. ' _Hyung?_ '

'Ah...' He immediately sat up and turned away from him, trying to hide his flustering face, but with his hand still interlocked with Jongdae's. 'What's wrong?'

'I.. I just...Argh!' He screamed, with too much embarrassment of his blushing face, and at the same time the complete smile in his face was appearing. He could not believe it; it was just a mistake and it had turned to something like this.

Maybe creating a mistake isn't always bad.

' _Hyung, hyung,_ ' Jongdae spoke while trying to reach his face. It took a few push and pull, to make him in front of him. But as soon as he faced him, he hid with the both of his hands, making Jongdae laugh seeing his ears emitting heat and the color red. He pried them open until he seen his reddish face looking down. 'Do you love me?'

He did not answer, but seeing him all flustered made him think it was cute. He tried to lower his face to see it, and squeezed his hand. It was too cute. But to his surprise, he nodded. 'I do. Y-you already knew i-it.'

He smiled before holding his chin to lift his face. Junmyeon's eyes were sparkling with embarrassment. 'I know, but you're being cute. I love teasing you.'

'I even hate you more!'

'It's okay because I love you.' He squeezed his hand again, and drew his face nearer to him, only to be separated by a few inches. The huge smile on his face had changed into a curled smirk. He breathed out, 'Can I kiss you?'

He opened his eyes wide. 'What?'

'Can I kiss you? If you're not going to answer, I will do it.' He chirped.

'Wa—' He was cut off with a pair of lips touching his forehead. Then to the nose, where he felt his lips bounce; and to his lips, where he felt the softness of it.

It wasn't just a puppy love-type peck. It was a kiss; lips locked in soft movements. His lips were velvety, and were too soft to be real. He liked it; it was sweet.

Kim Junmyeon could never believe that the boy with a funny hat would become someone special to him.

It was the same bench where Junmyeon sat; his fingers were tapping the aged wood furiously, and he wasn't furious waiting, but instead he was angry at himself. He shouldn't have given the letter; and now he'll be meeting him. For some reason, after the Last Kiss, he was met by Baekhyun, who introduced himself as Jongdae's non-blood twin, and told him only three words.  _Bench. First Kiss. Afternoon._ He was bewildered, and asked him to clarify his confusion, but the man said nothing and had instead winked at him before running to the door.

And now here he is, waiting on the bench where they first kissed accidentally, hoping to have his confession accepted.

He leaned back to the bench, looking at the sky. There were no clouds, but the sky was becoming a mixture of blue and orange. He sighed. It was the first time he had confessed to everyone, and it was the first time, too, that he gave attention to the spontaneous script of the play called love. He doesn't know what to do; he was just going to where the flow is going.

It was only the movement of lack lustered leaves was heard a while ago, but this time, it had the clicking of shoes on the brick pathway. He moved his head and saw him walking towards his direction, wearing a white jacket and pants. His hair was still permed, and he displayed a cheeky grin as he went near holding the cup of same iced coffee. Junmyeon had thought that this was a kind of dejá vu. ' _Hyung_.'

'Ah, Jongdae.' He stood up, motioning him to sit right beside him. Jongdae then placed his coffee not in between, but a few meters beside him before laughing. 'You're too early.'

He furrowed his eyebrows. 'What?'

'Ain't the one who told them which place and time would be the first to arrive in dramas?' He asked, only to be laughed at by him. 'Plus, how did you know it's the same bench?'

'Uh, isn't this the only bench in this place?' Jongdae then turned to look around before giving an 'Oh' in his realisation, only to be laughed at by Junmyeon again. 'Stop laughing at me!'

The older man placed his head back and sighed. 'I think I know the reason why you wanted to meet me, right?'

'Yeah. This is about the letter.' He turned to him. 'You're a funny person.'

'Am I?' He raised his eyebrows at him, still not sitting up. 'It's my first time to hear someone calling me a funny person.'

'Well, it's my honor.' He smiled, his eyes formed into crescents. 'But thank you for telling me everything.'

'Hm?'

'Everything. In your letter.'

'Oh.' He pulled up his glasses a little bit, and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'Jongdae, do you know I hate you?'

Jongdae gave him a confused look. 'I... don't. Do you really?'

'Yeah.' He looked up to the sky. 'Why?'

'I hate you, Jongdae,' He tried reaching the sky by raising his hand in the air, only to look at the alabaster-colored hand he had. 'Because I am in love with you.'

He expected him to say words, but what he heard, to his surprise, was his laugh instead. 'You really are a funny person,  _hyung._ '

'What?'

'You are a funny person. And you know what?'

'Hm?' He asked as he continued to stare at the clouds, trying to hide the fact that he is embarrassed saying those words right in front of his face. Jongdae, in the other hand, looked at him with a happy smile and loving eyes.

'I feel the same way too, _hyung._ '

A hand crept into his and Junmyeon could feel warmness in it, and the same time his cheeks were furiously blushing. ' _Hyung?_ '

'Ah...' He immediately sat up and turned away from him, trying to hide his flustering face, but with his hand still interlocked with Jongdae's. 'What's wrong?'

'I.. I just...Argh!' He screamed, with too much embarrassment of his blushing face, and at the same time the complete smile in his face was appearing. He could not believe it; it was just a mistake and it had turned to something like this.

Maybe creating a mistake isn't always bad.

' _Hyung, hyung,_ ' Jongdae spoke while trying to reach his face. It took a few push and pull, to make him in front of him. But as soon as he faced him, he hid with the both of his hands, making Jongdae laugh seeing his ears emitting heat and the color red. He pried them open until he seen his reddish face looking down. 'Do you love me?'

He did not answer, but seeing him all flustered made him think it was cute. He tried to lower his face to see it, and squeezed his hand. It was too cute. But to his surprise, he nodded. 'I do. Y-you already knew i-it.'

He smiled before holding his chin to lift his face. Junmyeon's eyes were sparkling with embarrassment. 'I know, but you're being cute. I love teasing you.'

'I even hate you more!'

'It's okay because I love you.' He squeezed his hand again, and drew his face nearer to him, only to be separated by a few inches. The huge smile on his face had changed into a curled smirk. He breathed out, 'Can I kiss you?'

He opened his eyes wide. 'What?'

'Can I kiss you? If you're not going to answer, I will do it.' He chirped.

'Wa—' He was cut off with a pair of lips touching his forehead. Then to the nose, where he felt his lips bounce; and to his lips, where he felt the softness of it.

It wasn't just a puppy love-type peck. It was a kiss; lips locked in soft movements. His lips were velvety, and were too soft to be real. He liked it; it was sweet.

Kim Junmyeon could never believe that the boy with a funny hat would become someone special to him.

* * *

_If I still feel the same, I’ll tell you_   
_Honestly, I’m in love with you_

* * *

Different days passed and the two only had thought that the world revolved around each other. They often meet on the same piano room; playing different pieces together while Junmyeon sang a song. Sometimes they would steal some kisses with each other, even deeper as their tongues had entered into each territories but then they would stop and smile while trying to control the raging desires. It became a habit between them; they were too hesitant to try it.

Until that one time when Junmyeon took Jongdae to his own apartment.

Jongdae was surprised; it was so sudden that Junmyeon had bought him here, plus the fact that he told him to bring him his sheet music seemed suspicious. The man was confused as he sat on his bed, with the owner nowhere. He took a little tour, gazing at the pictures he had hung up in the wall, then to the framed ones standing on his table.

On the wall was a picture of Junmyeon singing while wearing royal-like clothes. He smiled at the sight of it, he was beautiful and everything; he had loved him so much. He can feel his cheeks heating more as he slowly walked around, gazing at every picture. There was a photo sitting on the small cabinet sitting near the television, and to his curiosity, he picked it up, only to see a picture of him along with his friends, the ones he saw with Baekhyun the last time. He remembered the four of his friends, especially the bald head whom Baek called as 'Kyungsoo, cute penguin'. There was a man he didn't recognise, sitting at the far end with Junmyeon.

But seeing that it wasn't that much to think about, he moved his feet, only to see two photos on his study table. It was him on the time he was playing on the recital, and then the other was the both of them after Junmyeon had done the Last Kiss as Prince Rudolf.

He laughed. He is Rodolfo while his boyfriend was a princely equivalent of his role.

He spent the time walking around until he heard footsteps and his name being called. 'Jongdae.'

He turned to see Junmyeon wearing a trench coat, with a different smile on his face. He had wondered why, it felt like he did something suspicious. He gave no answer, but instead had cocked him an eyebrow. 'Did you bring your sheet music?'

He nodded. 'Why,  _hyung?_ '

He scratched his head as he looked away, a sheepish smile plastered on his face. 'Uh, I just wanted to give you something.... because you love the piano... so... uh, c-can you close y-your eyes?'

Worried, he drew close to him, cupping and patting his cheeks lightly. ' _Hyung,_ what is wrong? Did something happen?'

He pouted as he removed his cheeks from him and whined. 'Ah, just close your eyes!'

'Why are you trying so hard to be like me?' He laughed as he cupped his face again, but seeing the pout hasn't changed, he removed his hand and closed his eyes. 'Okay, okay, fine!'

'Just close your eyes, okay?' He spoke, slowly tiptoeing to the open door. He then came inside, with a heavy thing in his hands. Jongdae crossed his arms, trying hard to guess the item from the sounds he heard. 'I don't know what you're doing but you—'

He was caught off guard by the sudden peck on his lips by Junmyeon. He smiled. 'You can open your eyes now.'

As he slowly opened his eyes (There was feeling he doesn't recognise—it was either anticipation or excitement, he had the behavior of a kid) with a smile still on his face, he saw the smiling face of Junmyeon, grin wide that he can see his pearly whites under his rosy pink lips. As he trailed his eyes down, he could believe what he had seen; it was brand-new keyboard.

'Do you like it?' Junmyeon asked him, anxious. To his surprise, arms fell to his shoulders, with a soft 'thank you' heard in his ears. He smiled at him, thankful that he was happy of the small keyboard. 'You can now play the piano whenever you're here.'

'I'm so happy.' He whispered, voice deeper than usual. Jongdae's embrace became tighter, and his lips were started to touch the neck of Junmyeon. His soft lips had touched his skin, slow movements massaging while his hands were traveling. Junmyeon smiled, however, he grew confused once he felt him trailing kisses on his neck. He was flustering at his actions. 'W-what are you doing?'

Jongdae hummed as he started sucking it until he removed his lips to push his head to his. Junmyeon could see the hint of lust on the sparkles of his eyes, making him gulp at his gaze. A smirk appeared on the curl of his lips. 'I feel so happy right now, don't you think?'

His voice was husky, he loved it. The insides of him were tingling.

'But the keyboard?'

'Things can wait,' He smirked mischievously. 'I, however, can't wait to devour you.'

The two had taken a liking in gazing before their lips had met. It started slow; it was tender, and he could feel the softness as they tried to move farther away from the keyboard, touching each other's face and playing with their hair, but it became rough; their tongues were meeting in ecstasy with biting, their hands had traveled as they hit and sat on his bed, pacing in the fast way in removing their clothes.

Halfway, they parted, and looked at each other again. There were no words, but seeing how beautiful they were with swollen lips and lustful eyes made it too much for them to hold it now. They were breathless, and were too impatient. As soon as everything went down, they were left in their underwear, lips were still connected.

Jongdae had laid down as he was pinned to the bed, the older's hands were travelling to his toned chest, then stopped to fondle at his nipples. He moved his leg to the middle of Jongdae's and rubbed the bulge growing. He bit his bottom lip before parting, and gazed at the man before him. 'You are the most beautiful, Jongdae.'

Jongdae could not help but smirked at him. He wanted to see this side of him. Evil, devilish—and seductive.

He then made his way to his chest, trailing kisses before sucking them. Jongdae's breath hitched more as his hand traveled down to his thighs, gently caressing them before touching his bulging length. He rolled his tongue at his nipples the same time he was removing the cloth covering him.

In full glory, he sat up in front of him. Jongdae was right in front of him, fully naked, with his dick springing along with the glistening precum. He smiled, his hand slowly creeping up before holding it right between his hands. He pumped slowly, causing Jongdae to let out a soft moan. Like the way they did it when they kissed, he picked up the pace, even faster, making him moan louder. He continued, pressing kisses to his stomach up to his neck, where he marked it in a pretty purple color.

'Pretty.' He spoke, looking at the work he did on his skin. 'Would it be prettier if I add more?'

'Don't.' He replied in between breathless cries. 'A..I'm alr.. already close.'

'Are you?' It was his turn to smirk this time; pumping faster. Suddenly there was thin, clear liquid coming out, spilling from his hand to his stomach. He let out a loud moan; he tried to say his name but it was inaudible due to pleasure. Jongdae looked up to the ceiling with his breaths unsteady before looking back to him, who was licking it off with his tongue along with his piercing gaze.

He loved it. Jongdae really loved it. In between his breaths, he spoke, 'You're so evil today, Junmyeon.'

'I am only like this in bed,' He chuckled, his head moving down to where Jongdae's dick was. He breathed out his words, and it sent shivers down to his spine. 'I am only like this to you.'

His tongue had started licking down his shaft, carefully moving up and down. He became excited as he felt it twitch, making him suddenly grab and play with his head. The man let out another moan, words in audible. He moved his way up, and started put his mouth to it, and he stopped there with his tongue forming circles. He wanted to tease him.

'What are you doing!' He whined while moaning at the same time. 'Just...'

To his surprise, he entered it to his mouth, making Jongdae whimper, and his toes curl in ecstasy. His moans were all around the room as he started bobbing his head up and down, with his free hand fondling his nipples.

The younger had gripped tight of his sheets, and Junmyeon had taste the saltiness but for him it was the sweetest thing he'd ever had on him. Turning his eyes to gaze him, he could not help but to smile. His eyes were closed, and the pure expression of pleasure was on his face.

There was a string of cum as he detached his mouth from his dick and stood up to grab the lube hidden on the drawers. As he was about to open the cap when he felt a hand grab his wrist. 'You're doing me?'

'I am.' He gazed at him with complete dominance. 'At your servic—'

He was cut off with a kiss. 'Fuck you.'

'I would, but I'm fucking you first.'

Despite Jongdae's protests, he coated his fingers with lube, and slowly entered him, making him wince in pain. Worried, he asked 'Does it hurt?'

'Of course, it does!' He replied, his nose scrunching pain. 'It's in my fucking asshole!'

The two bickered, with Junmyeon trying to tell him to relax while Jongdae was whining and wincing at the same time. It took a few minutes to make them look at each other without words. 'I'm going to enter now, okay?'

As he started pumping slow, Jongdae's breath began hitching. His moans slowly escalated as he put another in, pumping in a higher pace. He began scissoring his insides, along with gentle kisses that made him moan louder than the usual. The savored feeling they had tasted when both of their lips had met was something smooth and sweet; more pleasurable than chocolate.

He pulled his fingers out, leaving him in heavy breaths. The sight of Jongdae's begging him for more gave him a ticklish feeling; it was like he was itching to ruin his face into something more ethereal.

'Beautiful.' He breathed out.

He trailed his fingers to his skin, making his back arch, before positioning himself inside him. He looked at him in the eye before entering him. 'Ah, fuck.'

Jongdae let out a whimper; his length entering him made him feel the softness and wetness of his insides. They started slow, with him trying to ease the pain by giving Jongdae tender kisses along with whispers that contained sweet nothingness. He gripped the sheets as he pounded it, making the bed creak underneath their sounds of love.

The moans and the breathlessness of him became the music that was more beautiful than the pieces he had heard from him playing the piano while his body became the symphony that Junmyeon had conducted.

Junmyeon was really happy, hearing the moans of Jongdae that were like the angels singing in heavens. Slowly, his fingers played his hair, carefully not to pull it to the point where it hurts, and his free hand traveled all around his body up to his nipples, where he felt it protruding against his fingers. They were sweating; the friction they were both feeling was starting break, as if they were starting to connect even deeper.

The whole room was filled with moans and pleads of sweetness as he pulled in and out of him, and he loved it so much. It only took a few times when Jongdae whispered that he is close, his eyes shut and mouth opening. What came next was white liquid spilling out of him and into his hands; the two had come the same time, and the grip of the sheets were once tightly gripped were now loosened. Before pulling out, he took a one good look at his breathless face and kissed him.

'I love you.'

* * *

_I’m getting more and more lost in you_   
_But if you play games with me_   
_It’ll be too cruel_   
_I gotta slow down_

* * *

'So you're actually together now?' asked Sehun in disbelief one time as they gathered in the cafeteria, eyes trailing to the permed-hair boy standing with a blond on the line, laughing. As soon as Junmyeon gave a smile, he immediately rolled his eyes. 'Still, you're a chicken when you denied the fact that you're fucking gay.'

'What the fuck, I haven't denied anything!' He replied, glaring at Sehun who ignored it by eating his food. 'Whatever, you could've said a yes, but you gave me an 'I don't know'.'

'But—'

'An 'I don't know' means that you already knew it but you still don't want to name it out of fear so you replied that you have no idea of it.' He instantly cut him off, making everyone amazed, even the Literature major Kyungsoo, who smirked at his words. 'That sounds like a line from a young adult fiction.'

He looked at him with his eyebrows raised as he chewed his burger. 'Does it? Then I can be an author next time!'

'Ah, hello.' Everyone's heads turned to Jongdae, who immediately sat beside Junmyeon, and to his blond friend standing beside him.

'Hello Jongdae.' each of them replied, smiles plastered on their faces as it made him surprised. 'How did you know my name?'

'Simple.' replied Sehun. 'Me.'

Everyone was having a decent conversation as Jongdae then kept patting on the empty side of the chair. 'Sit here, Baekhyun.'

He shook his head continously while the permed-hair's hand pulled the hem of his shirt. It continued until everyone took notice of him, making Jongdae smile awkwardly. 'Ah, this is my friend, Byun Baekhyun.'

'Nice to meet you.' He replied and bowed his head before flashing a cheeky grin. 'I have to go...'

'Where are you going?' He turned his head to see Jongdae ask him with eyebrows furrowed. 'Somewhere.'

'So when did the two of you met?' asked Chanyeol as he tried to ease up the awkwardness between the two. Junmyeon looked him as he tried to eat before moving his gaze to Chanyeol. 'Well, we met accidentally.'

'Actually, I was practicing piano when I suddenly saw him.' Jongdae continued as he gave a small smile, which suddenly faded when Sehun wheezed, causing Chanyeol to elbow him in the chest to shut him up. 'You're a fucking idiot, why are you laughing?'

'No, it's just that....' He stopped to laugh. ' _Hyung_ is much of as stalker... I am laughing even if I'm not surprised.'

Junmyeon replied with a sarcastic laugh. 'Fuck off, Sehun.'

'I don't care.' He replied, slowly mixing his food before sighing. 'I miss my wife already.'

'You're married already?' asked Jongdae with eyes wide, but was a bit relieved when Junmyeon corrected him. 'He meant fiancée. Even if this kid was the youngest amongst us, he's going to marry early.'

'Wow,' He was amused. 'You're really doing out of love.'

Sehun laughed the thought off and scratched his head. 'He's really fucking pretty, though?'

'He?'

'I think he meant 'she',' corrected Kyungsoo. 'Even if he reached this far, he is still confusing 'he' and 'she'. Grow up, Sehun. She's going to break up with you if you keep messing around.'

Their relationship was stable; at morning they would meet at school and have a date or even cuddle when there's time available, but in the darkness of the night when the sky falls, their lips would connect and would have intense, rough fucking. In the days, they would go to coffee shops and Jongdae would have to cringe at Junmyeon's jokes.

'What did Father Tomato say when he saw Baby Tomato trip of the street?'

'"You're a fucking brat"?'

'No! You have to ask, Jongdae, you're a fucking killjoy!'

'I'm glad I am. Now what?'

'He said "You need to ketchup!--ouch!'

'That's what you get when you give me half-ass jokes!'

And at night, it would be Junmyeon dominating. The soft, kind and innocent smile of his would gradually turn into a seductive, evil smirk on him.

Every night Jongdae's back will arch and his breathing would hitch in pleasure in the hands of Junmyeon. It is only in the shadows where Junmyeon became a pianist while Jongdae was the piano letting out moans that were like beautiful notes as the pianist started to play his concerto.

He was satisfied with it; they were both fucking happy.

But not until that their lives had started to improve.

Even if it was just a year, a theater director had noticed Junmyeon's talent as he starred on the Last Kiss as the princely Rudolf, and had contacted him to be part of different plays available. Jongdae on the other hand, was busy on the upcoming recitals on the Conservatory, and would often sleep on the room where he practiced.

Their visits were becoming less and less frequent, as if they had not time for each other now.

They had both noticed it; Jongdae was the one who was greatly affected. The adorable text messages Junmyeon would often send to him were nothing compared to the unreplied messages he had on his inbox now. He tried his best to mend and to talk about it to him; however, their schedules were keeping it tighter than usual.

The thought had him thinking for days, even as far as distracting him on his studies (making him be scolded by his professor by using his chest tone instead of his usual tenor voice). He often went to their practice room and glance up to look for him, only to be greeted by either Chanyeol or Kyungsoo, who had both passed by to hang out with him.

He would ask them about him, and they would answer that he was there, but as soon as he had entered, he had noticed that he had been very busy that he did not notice his existence standing right in front of him. There was one; however, it was just a glance.

And that glance seemed tired and dull to him.

He wanted to understand. He was happy for him and he knew he felt the same to him. They had other things to do; they were college students trying hard to pass the harsh standards of their professors. However, the fact that it seemed like he was ignoring him in every way as possible had planted a thorn to his heart, slowly breaking him apart.

Jongdae tried so hard to understand that he could feel his tears falling from his face. Everyday he would stare at his phone screen and read again the messages they sent to each other, only to end up for him reading his own being unread by him. His chest tightened thinking of it, and he wanted to know why.

He loved him so much, but why the fuck is he starting to get farther away from him?

He wanted to know why. It fucking hurts.

* * *

_If I could tell you about my longing_   
_for you that grows like hair_

* * *

To his surprise, he had woken up and opened his door to Sehun and his fiancée only to tell him he's invited to their wedding. He had expected in his dreams that it would be Junmyeon standing in front of him with a sorry face and an apology. He would gladly accept it and shake it off; however, there wasn't a Junmyeon. And it was all just a dream.

Plus expectations hurt that much if you really hope for it.

It felt like he had a relationship with a ghost.

Sehun's fiancée was Chinese, probably from Guangzhou, as what he had told him. She looked like the typical idol he had seen on TV, but she was really beautiful, her brunette hair falling above her petite shoulders. They really looked like a pretty cute couple.

'So,  _hyung,_ did Junmyeon- _hyung_  give you the invitation?' He had snapped back to the reality as he soon heard Sehun asking him, sitting on his couch beside her. He blinked before rubbing his eyes. 'N..no?'

The two exchanged looks before turning it back to him. To his surprise, his girlfriend spoke, her voice high-pitched. ' _Hyung_ —ah,  _oppa_ , are you okay with Junmyeon?'

'I'm sorry if she speaks like that,' apologized Sehun, whom he noticed was biting his lip while squeezing her hand at the same time. 'She's not really used to honorifics.'

'Ah, it's okay.' He flashed a grin before falling into a serious look. He sighed. 'Junmyeon hasn't been seeing nor talking to me lately. I know he's busy but it feels like he's ignoring me for something.'

The man gave a sorry look before patting his shoulder. 'I know you understood, but just... just talk to  _hyung._ It's his first time being in a relationship.'

He gave him an unbelievable look. 'It's my fucking first time too, brat.'

'Oh, I'm sorry.' He replied. 'But please talk it out... I hope to see you two together in the wedding.'

'You're really going get married, aren't you?' He asked the two, whose eyebrows furrowed at the sudden change of attitude of his. 'Didn't you two realise what will happen if you keep up this impulsive decision of yours?'

' _Hyung,_ let me ex—' Jongdae blinked twice as he soon realised what he had said. 'Ah, forget what I said. I'm sorry about that.'

' _Hyung,_ are you okay?'

'I am.' He said, smiling bitterly. 'But our relationship? No.'

The next thing Jongdae had realised was that he found himself at the doorstep at Junmyeon's apartment. He looked down at the surroundings. It was all the same; nothing had changed and all the silence surrounding the hallway was just the same, but it added to his anxiety. He was anxious; he doesn't know how to approach Junmyeon or even talk about the growing distance between them. But he had to do this; it's for the sake of their relationship.

At every button he had pressed, he felt his heartbeat becoming heavier along with the pressure on his chest pulling him even down. He had finally breathed free from the choking anxiety as soon as the door had opened, only to reveal no one in the room. He entered, thinking that Junmyeon had gone to the university to practice.

His apartment was still the same, except for the few roses and teddy bears he knew he had received from the play spectators (He knew, and was used to it—he doesn't want to plant jealousy in it), plus the room was tidier, except there were more stacked papers on his study table. He walked around to take a look at the pictures, and noticed that the pictures on his study table that were once scattered with pictures of them were now covered by stacks of his own pictures in his performances. He trailed his hands on the table with bitterness starting to taste on the tip of his tongue.

'Jongdae?'

He moved his head to turn to the person calling out his name. It was Junmyeon, who with his wet hair, bare chest and the towel wrapping around his waist, had looked like he came out from the shower. The expression on his face looked like he was surprised, and the tiredness on his face was evident.

He removed his hand from the pictures scattered on the table. 'Junmyeon.'

'What are you here for?' He gulped the moment Junmyeon spoke. It wasn't soft or caring; it was becoming sterner, as if he doesn't want to see him. His whole body froze as he tried to speak. 'I..  I was t-told by Sehun t-that the inv-vitation for his w-wedding is with y-you.'

He gave an 'Oh' before turning to the keyboard resting on the corner of his room, where two letters sat. 'There it is, do you need anything else? I'm in a hurry.'

'Ah, wait!' Junmyeon turned to him, eyebrow raised as if he was impatient. 'I was wondering... are we going to go together?'

'What do you expect? Of course we are.'

An 'I see' became his reply before grabbing his invitation and dashing outside his apartment. There were beads of tears that started forming in his eyes, which he squeezed shut. He doesn't know where his feet had taken him, but he was hurt. He was hurt enough seeing him do that to him. It felt like they didn't have a connection—it felt like their relationship had crumbled so easily as if there were hollow bricks containing inside them.

He laughed bitterly as soon as he entered the elevator, slumping his body on the metal wall, his skin feeling the cold surface of it. Tears were falling in his eyes and he hated the fact that it's prickling. His feet held his body weakly as he crouched, and hugged himself as he stared at the open space blankly.

He hates it. He's cold now.

A week passed and here he was, on a suit along with Baekhyun, who had been invited by Sehun suddenly (because he was the bestfriend of the boyfriend of his  _hyung_ ). Junmyeon was together with Sehun and his friends; he was the bestman.

Baekhyun looked around. 'Have you seen your boyfriend today, Jongdae?'

'No.' He shook his head while his eyes scanned around the whole place. 'From what he texted me, he said that he was with them.'

A hand crept up to his shoulder and squeezed it. 'Jongdae, tell me the truth. Are you okay with him?'

'I am, and will always be.' He replied, giving a small sad smile. Baekhyun knew. Baekhyun really knew. 'He didn't hurt you, did he?'

'No, no.' He continued shaking his head, slowly looking down at his feet. 'Nah, we can't talk about this on Sehun's big day. We should be happy!'

'Look at you telling lies...' He trailed off his words to himself. The whole ceremony started; Baekhyun was left along with Chanyeol and his little penguin crush Kyungsoo, and Junmyeon sat along with Jongdae the whole time around. There were many people in the wedding, both of Sehun and his girlfriend's parents had smiles on their faces while there were some people who thought this wedding was a joke.

The two wed-to-be were extremely beautiful, but the whole time Jongdae tried to think happiness for the two, he ended up looking down. Junmyeon wasn't even acknowledging the fact that Jongdae was by his side, and kept ignoring him.

As the couple had their kiss, he could not help but to smile. Even just a little bit, he could smile.

'Junmyeon.' That was his first word as soon as the whole thing had ended. They were left alone together; Kyungsoo bought home the drunken Chanyeol, and Baekhyun decided to help his tiny crush on carrying the wine-laced giant. Junmyeon turned to him as he held the keys to his car, cocking an eyebrow. He paused, seaming his lips before continuing, 'We need to talk.'

The ride back to Jongdae's apartment was silent. Junmyeon had turned his gaze to the road with a serious look, while Jongdae gazed at the window, tired.

'I was wondering why you were trying to ignore me for the past few weeks.' Junmyeon turned his head to him. 'I'm busy, you know that.'

'I'm busy, too.' He replied, his voice cracking. 'Why can't you?'

He did not speak. 'Do you really love me?'

'I do.'

'Then why can't you give time to me?'

Junmyeon sighed at his question, his head spinning at the thought of it. He clenched his grip at the steering wheel, only to realise what he had done. It is true that he was too busy, his schedule packed with practices and plays to act, however, the feeling he felt for him was slowly fading like a whiff of perfume.

He wanted to slow down, but it was their relationship that was shutting down.

He missed him, so much. However the longing he felt for him had gone long now. He then realised that he was so used to not having him in his arms. Not in his warm embrace.

Then maybe he was falling out of love now.

He is tired, after all.

'I'm tired.' Jongdae could not help but to choke back the tears as soon as he heard his reply. 'I'm tired of this bullshit.'

'Why didn't you tell me that it's the reason?' He tried to save it. Junmyeon pursed his lips. He was exhausted. He doesn't want any of this. He regretted this.

He maybe regretted loving him.

He doesn't know. He is confused.

'Can't we just talk o—'

'That isn't the reason why I am doing all those things to you,' He explained, making him cut off. 'I'm just doing this not to hurt you.'

'Do you have another person besides me?' The stern and torn voice of Jongdae made him freeze on his place. His expression was blank and dull. 'Never had one to hurt you.'

'Then what?' He continued; his voice straining. He noticed his Adam's apple moving as he gulped. 'You're hurting me with these actions, Junmyeon.'

'I know. I know.' He met his gaze and noticed the tears that were glistening on the corner of his eyes.

A car stopped by the apartment complex in the middle of the night, its headlights in a warm color of white. A figure moved out from the door and stood before the car sped off. There was a hint of sparkle on the man's face as he followed the car speeding away with his eyes. As it was out of his sight, he plopped down, his permed hair bouncing. He hugged himself as his silent tears became sobs.

He loved him so much. Jongdae had loved Junmyeon so much. He doesn't know why and how these things happened, but all he heard from him was the words he never knew would end him up like this.

'The reason I fell in love with you was because of your smile; now it became the same reason why I fell out of it.'

* * *

_hate me now_   
_i wish your feelings would cool down_   
_those eyes that look at me_   
_i wish there was no love in them_

* * *

_After I let you go, when I think of you_   
_Foolishly, it still feels like a dream_   
_If only I could see you again_   
_from back then_

* * *

A year had passed ever since Jongdae cried on the outskirts of the apartment complex.

He developed the fear of loving someone again, along with Baekhyun reassuring him that it would be alright once again. The three of Junmyeon's friends (he was told by Baekhyun they were a group of five) had approached him later on that he wasn't at fault, and that their  _hyung_ was a fucking dick, including Sehun who confessed that he punched Junmyeon in the face the moment he admitted he was the one who ended their relationship. He told them it was okay, however the lingering pain he felt on his chest was still there, and it felt like it had no intention of fading.

'I wanted to play this again in this year's recital,' spoke Jongdae as he search on his clearbook filled with sheet music. Baekhyun was beside him, writing time measures on his sheet music. 'The one from  _La Bohémé_?'

He shook his head as he shoved the sheet right in front of his face, making Baekhyun yelp from his seat. 'This was my piece when I was in high school.'

'Moonlight Sonata?' He read the title out loud while putting the pencil on the back of his ear. 'Ain't this one from Debussy?'

'Jesus Christ,' Jongdae yanked the paper from Baekhyun's hands and let out an exasperated sigh. 'Why do people mistake this piece as Debussy's? This is Beethoven's!'

'Okay, okay, please don't be worked up by it.' He replied, running a hand to his hair while the other slumped his body and raised the sheet music. He leaned back and gazed at the man beside him.

Jongdae had changed much from what Baekhyun had noticed. Not physically, but also emotionally. The perms that bounced everytime he runs on the hallway had changed into a straight style, with the pastel tint of tangerine on his hair, along with the smile that was always only his face was now a long line of pinkish-white color (from what he remembered was really pink). Jongdae's expression wasn't the brightest now, it felt like the world between them had become dull and dark as soon as he was told he wasn't loved anymore. He was often blank, and would deny that something's wrong, but he knew that he really remembered the theater actor through the brand new keyboard he had bought for him on his birthday. Now it isn't really that much a surprise if he would suddenly talk about him.

'I miss him.' He blurted out as soon as he placed down the sheet music in the air and Baekhyun could not help but to sigh. It was a hopeless case for Jongdae to move on because one; he was his first love, and second; first love is bitter the second time around if he tries. 'He left you now, okay? Stop acting like your life depended on him.'

'But I missed him.' He pouted, looking down. As he noticed that his eyes were sparkling with possible tears, he could not help but to look at him with pity. 'But missing him won't let you get back to where you were.'

Jongdae knew. He always knew.

But the only question was  _why?_ He doesn't understand how the happy relationship he thought he was going to have is going to be crumbled instantly—the only reason he'll give was because of his smile?

'But for him to reason to that sounds like a half-ass for me,' that was Baekhyun's answer to the questions of his mind. He sighed as he stood up. 'But anyways, he's an asshole.'

'You're being rude.' He glared at him. 'He's nothing like that.'

'Whatever,' He rolled his eyes as he walked away. 'Isn't that an asshole way to break up with you on the wedding night of his bestfriend?'

Before he could answer back, he immediately went outside, his hand clenching into a fist. Jongdae looked down.

He wanted to move on. However, he never knew it is hard when he's still confused of the things in his mind.

The whole campus to Jongdae's eyes was still the same; however the urge to search him was strong on him. Everytime he passes by on each classroom, he was tempted to find his face.

And there was... once.

And it made him cry.

He was passing by when he saw Junmyeon smiling, with a man whom his back faced him. His chestnut brown eyes were starting to water as he saw how bright his smile was, as if there was no problem he was facing.

So their relationship was actually a burden? Jongdae had thought, knowing that he wasn't the reason of his smile anymore. He ran away, and laughed bitterly between his sobs as he stopped.

He could not believe. His title as the smiling sun was placed on his asshole of an ex, who was like the happiest right now. How can he forget the fact that he was responsible of making him suffer like this?

Fuck love, he thought. He won't look at it again. He swore love hurts.

However, he had actually realised that he is bad at keeping promises.

 _Baby-faced. Handsome_. Those were the words that were attached on his mind as soon as he arrived to his apartment. His legs were tired as he got off from work, but the scene at the university was making him plaster a huge grin on his face. He swore he could not believe it when he was just walking down, when on the flower shop in front of the gate was a man wearing their uniform, smelling a stalk of a pink daisy on his hand. He froze on where he sat as his calmed face—with eyes closed—smelled the flower, possibly inhaling the pollen inside. As he opened his eyes, he was in awe—the cat-like eyes were really complimenting his soft skin and plump cheeks. He was smaller than him; and  _God_ , he looks like a baby. A huge smile was on his face as he stared at the ceiling, his body lying on the bed. But it later faded as he remembered; he is falling in love again. He can't be.

His fear of falling in love was engulfing him again, and he knew it was the best to keep those blooming feelings away. But the strong aura was still there.

Fucking hell, he had thought once.

'Do you know a guy who has cat-like eyes?' He asked Baekhyun one time out of nowhere as they were walking around the campus after their practice, making the man look at him with an unbelieving look. Jongdae always knew that Baekhyun surely knew him. He was an active social butterfly and a chatterbox. 'Well, well, looks like you've moved on now.'

'No,' He pouted at him with his eyebrows furrowing. 'I'm just asking if you knew.'

'Did you mean that guy?' He pointed at two men standing near the cashier's office. It was the baby-faced man, along with another man wearing all black, slightly taller than him. He was in awe seeing his pure innocent face, as if he was seeing a true angel in front of him. 'What's his name?'

'You're so eager to know the name of your crushie, huh?' He replied with a smug look, making him punch him in the chest. 'That's not it!'

'Okay, fine, fine.' He laughed. 'His name is Kim Minseok.'

Kim Minseok. He repeated it on his mind as he looked above the sky, unaware of what Baekhyun would say next.

'He is currently on his 3rd year in his doctorate in Philosophy. Just a bit half-way to thirty.'

His eyes widened at his words. '3rd year doctorate? Philosophy? Half-way to thirty? That's far from what he looks!'

'I don't know.' He gazed at the two. 'But that's really he is. He's unbelievably young for some reason.'

'That's maybe the reason why I call him baby-face,' Baekhyun moved his eyes to him and gave an amused look. 'You call him baby-face? What a cute nickname to call your crush!'

'Ah, stop it!' He whined. 'He's not my crush!'

They both turn their gaze at the two and Jongdae noticed a familiar face when Minseok's companion moved slightly. 'Isn't that Kyungsoo?'

'Kyungsoo?' Baekhyun's face immediately lit up, and moved his head to search. 'Where? Where?'

'Beside Minseok.'

'Ah, they might be from the same group of friends,' He replied, eyes looking lovingly. 'Look at him, he's so cute.'

'Same group of friends?' He was shocked. 'You meant he's maybe friends with him?'

'Maybe. But I don't think so. It's the first time I saw him hanging around with someone. He's usually alone.' He did not cut off his gaze at the two. 'Plus I don't think his group of friends would expand to the seniors though. Maybe for Kyungsoo, because he's a Literature major.'

He sighed in relief. However, not everything you see is what you think.

From the moment Jongdae had knew his name, he had been stealing glances at him with Baekhyun teasing him endlessly, despite how his head had kept protesting and reminding him that it might be dangerous. But what's forbidden had always been good, and Jongdae had the attitude that's stubborn as a fucking bull.

Daisies, from what he had often see him picking on the flower shop outside the campus, was his favorite flower. Especially the pink ones, he would smell it. From different times, he had noticed he was small, his skin was unbelievably smooth, and his hands were incredibly tiny. He thought Mr. Baby-face was a soft-hearted, tiny human being who's intelligent and had a heart for daisies, until one time he wore a muscle tee.

Jongdae's mouth dropped at the sight. It was a marvelous moment.

The baby-faced man was a fucking muscle man, his alabaster-like body sculpted like the Greek statues at the nearby museum he's often visit when he's bored. His biceps flexed when he grabbed the jacket on his arm, and the wetness of his hair, a bit of sweat dripping on the tips, made Jongdae bit his lip hard, his eyes looking down against the temptation.

But holy fuck, it was harder avoiding it than the complex concertos he had tried with his fingers.

The frustrated look of Minseok was all hot for him; he could feel his cheeks burn when he saw his narrowed eyes. The lines of his body were traced as his shirt hugged around it, his ass shaped by the sweat pants was hugging his waist—Jongdae could not help it; he was really hot.

Maybe he developed a crush _. Or even worse._

That's why he felt like this shouldn't be happening once he met him personally and finally, with him smiling so bright and happy.

* * *

_This is not the first time,_   
_truthfully I've loved and parted_   
_But it's hard, please believe in me,_   
_you are different_

* * *

'He's cute.' His eyes were on the man playing piano on the stage while Kyungsoo, on the other hand, was focused on the performance instead of the performer. 'I want to date him.'

'What are you saying,  _hyung_?' he asked as soon as heard him and furrowed his eyebrows at the expression of the elder; it was playful. He giggled. 'He looks fuckable in the sheets.'

'What the fuck?' He spoke, voice low. A hand met his face, smacking it. 'Just joking. That guy's cute to date.'

'Oh, him?' He asked, unsure. He had remembered, Minseok never knew about what happened between that boy and Junmyeon; all he knew was that there was this cute ass sweeping off his feet. 'Are you sure about that?'

'Yeah,' He cocked him an eyebrow. 'What makes you think so? You knew me, penguin.'

'Nothing. But argh, stop calling me a penguin.'

'Fine.' He turned his attention back to the pianist. 'Do you know who this cutie is?'

'Yeah. Kim Jongdae.'

'Sweet!' He immediately stood up, making Kyungsoo confused. 'Where are you going,  _hyung_?'

He was left dumbfounded by his answer. 'Going to get some lessons to that cutie. Sure he's worth it.'

Jongdae couldn't believe it.

It was on his recital when he played Moonlight Sonata, and was laid back until the professor approached him, with a small human wearing a suit following him. When his cat-like eyes met his, he immediately froze. He could feel his heart experiencing palpations looking at the beautiful man beside him with a cute smile on his face.

Kim Minseok, he remembered. The professor told him that he was approached by him, asking to meet him person, making Jongdae sweat himself even more. His eyebrows were raised in disbelief. 'Really?'

'Yes.' It was Minseok's reply, voice light but tenor. Jongdae could feel his emotions go wild, as if he was a kid meeting an idol, or even better, get closer to his crush. They exchanged greetings and introduced themselves to each other, with Jongdae being all shy whilst the older was confident to the extreme.

'Your performance was really absorbed by the audience and they were really moved by it.' spoke the professor while Jongdae was trying to look at him properly with a smile while trying to avoid the gaze of Mr. Baby-face that was boring in him. 'And the reason Minseok approached me is because he was interested in piano after seeing your performance.'

'Really?' The baby-faced man nodded. 'I was wondering if you could teach me how to do it.'

'Uh...' He was becoming confused why it had led to this. 'Sure...?'

'Don't worry,' He smiled. 'I will pay.'

'Oka—'

'And FYI, I'm older than I look.'

Then there started what Jongdae would call his start of moving on.

Minseok was a fast learner; even though his hands were the tiniest of man he'd ever seen, but they were capable of pressing the ivory keys fast and they were able to advance up to the major scale, making him think that this ability was unbelievable. They would often meet in Saturdays or even a bit on their vacant time on the piano room.

'You're a fast learner, Minseok. Did you have lessons before me?'

'Ah, no.' He shook his head. 'But I learned piano when I was still in primary school. I stopped in middle school.'

'Why did you stop?' His fingers absentmindedly touched his own. 'I never had an actual interest in piano, not until now.'

'Ah, I see.' He spoke, trying to arrange the sheets properly at the same time trying to avoid the fact that Mr. Baby-face was  _sublimely_ flirting with him. 'So,  _hyung,_ what are your interests besides piano?'

A smirk appeared on his face; the one with a flirty hint. Jongdae gulped. This guy was naughty.

'Not to be precise that much, but I'm really that interested in you.'

'Are you flirting with me?'

'What makes you think I am?' He cocked him an eyebrow, smirk still on his face.

Jongdae ignored him, eyes focused on the piano. In the following days, however, he had a hard time trying to concentrate on teaching him the piano properly, the person he had been teaching was too flirty, and would eventually move himself closer to him, along with sweet words... and corny jokes.

He immediately tried to remove those thoughts by actually focusing on his part-time job; the purple and pink-stripe shirt was hugging his arms and the navy-blue jumper was tightening around his waist, along with the silly hat which became the trademark of the shop. A sigh went out as he saw himself on the mirror, eyes focused on the hat. It was the same hat that started everything, along with his relationship falling out so sudden he didn't have the time to prepare the heartbreak.

The store hours were still the usual from what he had seen before; toys scattered everywhere with children playing around, on the corner were a huge commotion of parents with phone cameras filming their kids along with some name-calling and the typical and noisy 'look here's, and his co-workers with gloomy eyes tiredly arranging the mess and entertaining costumers.

He was busy picking up the puzzle mats that were removed by the kids themselves when a light timbre of a male voice reached his ear. 'Excuse me, how much does it cost to play for an hour?'

'Do you have a child, sir?' He immediately turned his head to see Minseok on the line, talking to the cashier. He gave a small smile and shook his head. 'No, I just wanted to play.'

'But this is exclusively for children.' replied the cashier, whose voice felt sorry. Minseok gave an 'Oh’—along with the most innocent look he had seen on his face. To his surprise, he met his gaze and winked at him before walking out.

Everyone was looking in awe as he walked away, and Jongdae's phone rang.

_You look cute in your uniform, and we might look cute with our kids too, you think? ;)_

He could help but to smile and shake is his head in disbelief.

This guy was far the worst that he had ever imagined.

'Music is really nice.' Minseok spoke one day when they were at a coffee shop, taking a break from their lessons. He stirred his Americano while Jongdae was busy scrolling down on his phone, sipping away the cup of iced latte on his hand. 'What do you mean  _hyung?'_

'Music is calming to my nerves like coffee,' He replied as he placed his cup on the plate. 'It's really nice.'

His hand was held by Jongdae's suddenly. 'Why don't you go to a music shop?'

'A what?'

'A record store.' He smiled. 'That's what makes you indulge even more in music.'

'But I would probably end up listening to DBSK, though.'

'DBSK?' He asked confused, making him laugh. 'Another name for TVXQ, idiot.'

'I'm sorry,' He threw his hands on the air. 'I didn't know!'

'Fine, fine.' He crossed his arms and leaned on the table, his cat-like eyes showing. 'So, won't you mind telling me at bit about yourself?'

'Promise me you'll tell yours?' He asked innocently, making him wheeze. 'What?'

'Okay, okay, fine. I will. Start.'

'My name is Kim Jongdae.'

'I knew that.'

'September 21.'

'Birthday?'

'Yeah, why would I spit a date out of nowhere?' Minseok choked on his coffee. 'Enough with the sass, dammit!'

'I like the color pink.' He tapped the table with his fingers. 'And I like indie artists and ballad singers.'

'Such as?'

'10cm. K. Will.'

'Never heard of them. That guy's overrated.'

'That's why they're indie artists.' He rolled his eyes. 'You can't do that to the legend himself.'

The two continued living in a calm relationship as a teacher and a student—with Minseok updating him on his finds on the record store beside his apartment that weren't DBSK, and Jongdae teasing him that he might be in torture for not being in TVXQ haven.

It was okay for Jongdae to stay in that way. He was fine. However, when something starts, like a blooming flower it grows eventually.

* * *

_I'm not enough of a man_   
_I couldn't be honest_   
_I didn't know how I felt_   
_I'll say all the words I couldn't_   
_Before it's too late_

* * *

It was his birthday, Jongdae thought about it for a thousand times with his mind; it was really hard to compress the pressure of holding back when he could know all about Minseok little by little. He was trying hard not to fall for that pretty fairy-like face, especially those cat eyes that were mischievous, but it was really hard.

'Mom, I won't be celebrating my birthday today.' He spoke, phone sandwiched between his ear and shoulder while his free hand was fixing his hair. A disappointed sigh was heard on the other line, followed by a whining voice. ' _Ah, why_?'

'I'm not in the mood today,' He replied, trying to sound convincing despite spewing lies. 'Plus I have to practice for the next week's presentation.'

' _Are you sure you aren't lying Kim Jongdae?_ ' There was a stern tone on her mother's voice. ' _Are you doing something with someone I don't even know about?_ '

He laughed. 'No, mom. Baekhyun's going to be with me later.'

' _Are you sure?_ '

'Yes, mom.'

' _Did you prepare condoms?'_

'Excuse me, what?' He giggled at the question his mother asked. 'Are you implying that I will have sex with Baekhyun afterwards?'

' _No, son. Apparently I was thinking you're going to hook up with girls on a club later on._ ' Her tone started to have worry, but later on had changed back to stern. ' _You know I don't like that joke, Matteo._ '

The smile on his face fell down, making him seam his lips at his mother's answer. 'I know. Goodbye, mom.'

 _'Goodbye. Happy birthday, son._ '

'Thank you.' He could feel his throat becoming dry upon hearing his mother's hatred for homosexuals. The fact that her own son was a homosexual was something he had been hiding from her. He was glad that he was able to live away from them for college, making him have the freedom to be his own.

He cancelled everything that was about to bug him today; even Baekhyun's plan on having a hot pot together was called off by him, and his bestfriend had an instant hint on that, teasing him about Minseok. He could not help but to smile as everything was going as what he had planned smoothly, but he was scared at the same time.

He knew it could be worse than heartbreak to have himself getting rejected on his birthday, but he was willing to take a risk. Nothing's wrong if he tries, right?

There were different people passing around him as he walked around, trying hard to find the record store Minseok kept talking about the other day. Mr. Baby-face had planned to let him see the store and had agreed to meet him outside. A huge smile was on his face as he walked around, his eyes twinkling in excitement. The pavement was a bit cold, but it felt warm for him as soon as he met the cat-like eyes of him, and there he thought the world had stopped.

Minseok was wearing a beanie, his whole body being wrapped as if he was a little kid, making the younger stare at him in awe. In his hand held a cup of coffee, steam visible outside that were around his face. A smile appeared as soon he realises that he has arrived. 'Ah, Jongdae.'

'You look like a kid, Minseokkie.' He scrunched up at the nickname. 'What the hell is that nickname?'

'Nothing.' He smiled. 'It fits you.'

'Whatever.' He said before gobbling up the coffee and throwing to the trashcan nearby. 'Let's get inside and start the date, shall we?'

Jongdae laughed in his amusement. 'You think this is a date?'

'Yeah.' He replied as he pulled the glass door open. The music store was small, records of solo singers and groups along with international stars were all around, stacked and arranged messily, making Minseok look bored. 'Despite I loved the music here, I just can't really stay that long because....'

He whispered on his ear. 'Their cleanliness sucks dick and they don't arrange them properly.'

Jongdae could not help but laugh. 'So you really loved to clean,  _hyung_?'

'Of course, I can't stand dirty places,' He replied, going over to the corner where a familiar artist was placed, making the younger laugh when he realises it was the elder’s favorite. Minseok held an album and looked at it in surprise. 'Oh, look, it's their new album!'

Minseok's face fell as he slowly realised. 'Sadly, I can't buy it.'

'Then I will buy it for you.' Jongdae replied with a serious look on his face, making him shake his head. 'No, it's okay.'

He was about to place back the album when he was stopped by two big hands, making him sigh. 'I'll buy for myself later on, Jongdae.'

'No, I insis—' He placed his finger on the top of his mouth, silencing him. He went nearer to his face as soon as he removed it, making their faces have a few inches in distance. 'No, you don't.'

'Yes, I will.' He cocked him an eyebrow, but he replied with a smirk. 'Don't you know what day is it today?'

'September 21. My birthday.' He replied, eyes were trailing down on Minseok's pinkish lips. 'Right. So please don't buy me that album.'

He then placed it carefully back on the rack and walked away, unaware that the younger had took them, along with the 10cm album he had grabbed on his sight. A smirk was on his face.

The two had spent most of their time on the record store, carefully listening to the songs Minseok had chosen. He had fun, but considering how often the older would smile, pout, and point at everything using his lips, he wondered how soft it was if he kissed him. But he had blushed thinking back, almost making the older wonder.

As they listened, there was one song that had hit Jongdae close to home.

 _Your small, cold hands and trembling lips_    
 _Able to carry on as if nothing has happened_    
 _Are you afraid of remembering someone?_    
 _Struggling to swallow the words bubbling up to your lips_

The song was trying to narrate what his past have happened, making him stare, spaced out. The words were hitting and it was all right; he was really afraid in remembering him, but slowly, he was trying so hard to find love that would mend his broken heart.

He had loved. He didn't want to break his heart again.

'What's the title of this song, Minseokkie?' He asked, voice cheerful despite his insides were shaking. 'Oh, Love in the ice, TVXQ. Why?'

'Nothing,' He replied, removing the headset before giving out an exasperated sigh. 'Can we get food?'

'Uh, sure.' He replied, repeating the same thing Jongdae had done. 'Is there something wrong, Jongdae?'

'Nothing's wrong,  _hyung._ ' He rubbed his stomach and scrunched his nose. 'I'm just hungry, that's all.'

Minseok would've thought that it would become a very awkward situation when they had entered the restaurant that was blocks away from the store, but he was wrong.

Jongdae was all smiles despite his insides were broken and in their mealtime, he had learned so much about Minseok.

Kim Minseok was a doctorate, he knew that. He liked the color blue and soccer. He loves blueberry and would eat everything with that flavor. He had a part time job as an assistant on the public library, and he has an addiction to cleaning.

'There's one thing I have to warn you,' He spoke, twisting his food with the fork. His look was serious as Jongdae gazed at him. 'I have anger issues.'

'But you're still cute though.' The younger replied as he poured soda on his glass, but the older shook his head in disbelief. 'Let's be serious about this. I get angry easily.'

'I know,' He looked at him in the eye for a second. 'And I do understand.'

'You do?' He asked curiously while he nodded his head before taking a sip. 'My brother has anger issues too so I know how it feels.'

He was taken back. 'I… I see.'

As soon as he finished eating, he immediately stood up, making him furrow his eyebrows as he looked up. 'Where are you going?'

'I'm going somewhere,' He replied, bringing the bag of albums with him. ' _Hyung_ , enjoy your food. I'll be right back.'

'Are you sure you're not leaving me?' His eyebrows were raised in worry, but Jongdae smiled and waved at him before walking away. 'I won't, I promise.'

His eyes trailed as he slowly walked outside the restaurant, trying hard to find the flower shop his eyes had caught attention to. To his surprise, the shop was about to be closed at the time he thought they would be. Hurrying, he went inside to meet the old woman bringing pots inside. 'Excuse me, excuse me!'

'Ah, the shop alrea—' the woman was about to turn her body when she suddenly bumped into his chest, and looked into his smiling face with a bored look. 'The shop is already closed, young man.'

'I know,' He replied pointing to the stalk of daisies on the corner not far from them. 'Can I buy one?'

'But for the last time—'

'I know, I know.' To the woman's surprise, he had bent his knees at her and pleaded; 'Please, just let me buy one. I want to surprise someone.'

Looking at his face and listening on his words, the woman's face lit up, almost catching the hint he had been implying. 'You're going to confess, aren't ya?'

He was taken back from what she had said, making him stand straight and scratch his back, with an awkward and shy smile appearing on his face. 'Yeah.'

'You can get all those for free if you want.' She pointed with her lips, making him look at with amusement. 'Really,  _ahjumma?_ Thank you, but I would still take one stalk and pay.'

She smacked his face with her glove-clad hand. 'Yah, just grab one and leave! Hope she’ll accept it!'

Jongdae laughed at her response, making him run and grabbed a stalk of pink daisy, and had discreetly placed money beside it before going outside with a snicker. Slowly, he hid the flower under his clothes and went back with a smile on his face.

'Did you just smoke weed?' was the first thing Minseok asked as soon as he returned with a smile on his face. His smile was fucking suspicious, as if he knew something was going to happen later on. But Jongdae did not answer but instead had looked at him, making them look at each other before he threw his chopsticks at him.

'What was that for?'

'How high are you, Jongdae?' He spoke, noodles still on his mouth. The younger look at him in amusement before laughing. 'You seriously thought I'm high,  _hyung_?'

'Of course!' He replied before sipping the soup entirely. 'You're smiling weird today, to be honest with you.'

'Am I?' The younger smiled at him, his hands on his smiling face as he leaned on the table. 'Yes, you are. Look at that fucking smile of yours.'

'Did you just curse at me?'

'Of course, your smile is so bright!'

'Why are you so annoyed?'

'Because your smile brightens up my day like the fucking sun!' He replied, eyes glaring in annoyance. But to his surprise, he did not expected him to be flustered, reddish color suddenly appearing on his cheeks. 'See, you're really high, Jongdae!'

'No, nothing.' He stood up. 'Can we just go home now? I will walk you home.'

'What am I, a lady?' He retorted before following him outside. They were both quiet as they walked; Jongdae's hands were becoming sweatier as he gripped the bag, his knees becoming weaker and his heart beating faster. Minseok on the other hand was unfazed, as if it was just a walk home and nothing else. As soon as the two stood by the door, the elder faced him. 'Happy birthday, Jongdae.'

'Thank you,  _hyung_.' A smile crept up his face but then it later fell into a serious one. 'I wanted to tell you something.'

'What is it?' He replied, only to be surprised by a pink daisy in his hand, curving his lips into a smile. 'How did you know I liked daisies?'

'I saw you smelling one outside the campus.'

He laughed. 'A stalker, aren't ya?'

'Nah, just saw you once, that's all.' He giggled before replying. He sighed again, deep breaths and had tried to straighten up, making Minseok confused. 'Please don't think I'm doing this only because it's my birthday, but ever since I saw you smelling daisies outside the campus, I had loved you,  _hyung._ '

Twirling the daisy on his hand, he immediately froze, his eyes turned to his, locked. He was speechless, considering he had the bravery to spit it out all this at once, but a smile had started to appear on his face. Jongdae on the other hand, was fidgeting and was hesitant to continue. ' _Hyung..._ before you met me, I had adored you. But I get that I'm the only one confessing, so I don't care if you're going to accept it or not, I'm jus—'

'I get it, I get it,' He reassured him by placing a hand on his tensed shoulders. The younger inhaled sharply, his tangerine hair falling a few strands on his anticipating face. 'Plus, I wanted to say something too.'

'You're scaring me,  _hyung._ ' He chuckled at his response. 'Am I that scary? Well then.'

'That's not it!'

'I get it... and please don't get dejected.' Minseok gave him a smile that helped him calm a bit. 'I do love you, too.'

'What?' To his surprise, his face met his small hand. 'I'm telling you that I fucking love you too, you dumb fuck!'

He giggled at the angry face of Minseok, which he had found cute. Slowly, he reached for his face and pinched his plump cheeks, carefully caressing its heated, flustered skin. A huge grin was spread across his face as he hugged him tenderly, his heart beating crazy in happiness. 'Please don't break my heart again,  _hyung._ '

The elder moved his head up to his, and asked, confused. 'Why, did someone break your heart before I met you?'

He seamed his lips at his question, his chest feeling tight to the fact that he knew what is going on. He nodded as he pulled him closer to his chest. 'Someone did. But promise me,  _hyung._ '

'I promise.' He smiled before their lips had met. Minseok's lips were soft, from what he had always been expecting, but he didn't expect it to be soft and smooth enough that it was trying to make his knees melt in euphoria. He caressed his face, his hair and his everything. He was really happy. Fucking happy.

A huge smile smile was on his face as he walked home, a big smile he never showed since the day he gave his love away. His phone suddenly rang, and it was a message from his teasing bestfriend.

 **FROM: BAEKHYUNNIE**    
 **How did it go with Mr. Baby-face, Chen-chen?**

Giggling, he typed, while opening the door of his apartment and slumped his body on his bed with a satisfied smile. Due to his excitement, he did not reply, but had instead, called. 'Fucking hell, Byun Baekhyun, I confessed and he fucking told me that he fucking loves me back!'

' _He did?_ ' He could hear him laugh, but something was a bit off in it. Instead of asking, he brushed those thoughts off. ' _I'm glad you've got a new boyfriend now, Jongdae._ '

'But I'm scared, Baek.' He confessed after letting a sad sigh. 'I don't know what will happen next, so I asked him to promise me that he will not break my heart.'

' _Are you crazy, Jongdae?'_

'But Bae—'

He heard him sigh. ' _I understood what you feel after your heart break with Junmyeon, but keep in mind that he's a possible friend of his.'_

He seamed his lips and nodded. 'I know. Will always know.'

' _But I'm really happy for you, Kim Jongdae._ ' And there's where his teasing starts.  _'I'll be seeing you like father and son, but he's the son and you're the father.'_

'Yah, stop it!' And all he could hear was him laughing hard. Jongdae stared at the ceiling of his apartment, his eyes looking with satisfaction and his smile making a huge part of his face. He is fine, he had thought, as long as Minseok had promised not to break his heart.

Nothing's going to happen when he's promised, right?

But Jongdae was unaware that Minseok wouldn't break his heart, but his life.

* * *

_If I could, if only I could turn time back_   
_Like a movie, I'd go back to the beginning_   
_If only you were next to me_   
_As if this was all just a painful dream_

* * *

Junmyeon had finally realised the damage he had done to Jongdae.

After a period of time that he had been receiving punches and been called out as a jerk or a 'fucking dick' by the married youngest, he soon realised that he wasn't on his own mind and that he is still delusional at that time. What can he do, the things he had told to his ex was enough to give him no reason to say forgive him, and that he acted like an asshole to him?

He sighed, tired.

He saw him once on his work place, and noticed there were many changes in him; his permed hair was transformed into a straight, tangerine one, and there was a huge smile on his face. He used to see him smile, it even became a reason why he fell in love with him, but this smile was different... it wasn't the smile he used to show to him everyday. It was like he found someone else...

And Junmyeon's tongue felt a bitter taste on its tip. God, he hoped not.

After a while of self-questioning, he tried his best to ask Jongdae's bestfriend about him. And unfortunately, it wasn't good from what he had expected.

'Please don't ruin Jongdae's happiness now, Junmyeon.' He begged, his eyes pleading him one time they met up. Junmyeon was confused. 'Why would I? I just wanted to get him back, Baekhyun. After all, I know that I am his happiness.'

The blond looked at him in disbelief. 'His happiness? You? Look who's talking after all the things you've done to him.'

'I know I'm a jerk, bu—' Baekhyun threw him a glare as he cut him off. 'Don't you dare come back to his life now. He had found someone already. Someone better than you.'

He stared at him in disbelief. 'He... has a new boyfriend already? You are lying, aren't you?'

He furrowed his eyebrows at him. 'What makes you think I am lying, huh?'

'You're his bestfriend, of course.' He replied with a smirk before leaning back. 'You would do this to protect him.'

'I would, but Jongdae's happy with someone else now. He had moved on from you.' Junmyeon's eyes began to water upon hearing those words. He wanted to say another word, but he seamed his lips. 'Please, Junmyeon. Don't be a dick. Move on now.'

Despite Baekhyun's warnings and curses at him, Junmyeon was still stubborn. He had wondered for so many times—he had wanted him back no matter what. His mind was filled with him and his regrets of him letting him go, eyes teary everytime he recalls how broken Jongdae had looked as he spat out ugly words to him, making him guiltier even more.

'Junmyeon.' That was the only thing that made him snapped out of reality, and it made him open his eyes wide. He looked up and saw his therapist; a man, a bit younger than him, Chinese and insisted to be called Yixing instead of Dr. Zhang. He had an innocent look, and it made him laugh a bit; it was like he was talking to a kid.

But this is what Chanyeol had suggested the moment he saw him sitting in the middle of his chaotic room with grim tears pitifully flowing from his depressed face after three weeks; he wanted him to go on therapy and recommended this 'therapist' who looks like a joke. He laughed sarcastically. 'Are you serious about this?'

'What do you mean?' asked Yixing in a confused tone, with Junmyeon unaware that this man was more different from what he had seen. Junmyeon pinched the bridge of his nose, and laughed again, his throat growing from what he calls as 'bullshit'. 'Show me the real therapist. Man, I really need to take a break from jokes.'

'But I am one.' He pointed at the certificate hanging on the wall, enclosed in a frame.

'Then why are you—' He looked at him from head to toe, carefully observing the black and white Converse, ripped jeans and the grey hoodie. '—dressed like a teenager?'

'That's because most of my patients are teenagers and that I have to relate to them,' He explained, the earring on his left ear dangling. 'And I have to contrast what I look from my other work, too.'

'Oh, you got another work, too?' He cocked him an eyebrow. 'That seems cool.'

'This isn't the first time I've encountered a case like yours,' He narrowed his eyes at him as he crossed his legs and placed his grey clipboard over it. 'But you seemed kind of...erratic.'

Junmyeon gave no answer. He stared at him one more time, but there was no answer. He continued. 'So you're here because of a love problem that connecting to the depression and insomnia you've been experiencing now, am I right?'

He nodded. 'Why don't you tell me something about it?'

He hesitated at his first word. It was kind of embarrassing, he had thought, to share the desire of getting back his ex-boyfriend whom he pushed away and had been treating like a jerk to. But the depression was seeping up to his bones, his lack of sleep obvious from the way his eyes would slowly close and how the color of his eyelids were far different from his skin color. He licked his chapped lips, and sighed. 'It's my fault.'

'Ah,' He looked at him flipping clipped pages of the clipboard; white, slender fingers grasping the thin sheets slowly. 'According to your friends, you broke up with your boyfriend on a wedding night because you don't want him anymore.'

'I was basically tired.' He replied, his eyes moving down on the brown wood flooring with his hands playing against each other, friction slowly building heat up. 'And I was not on my right mind when it all happened.'

'In what way were you not on your right mind?' He asked, voice calm that amused him. He bit his bottom lip. 'There were different things happening in my life, and I can't keep up to him; there were plays and offers that were given to me, making it harder to reach it to him. And....'

'And?'

'It seemed like I was overwhelmed and blinded by these things that I believed that I....' His eyes were looking around in a quick manner. 'That I thought I fell out of love.'

Yixing nodded; his right hand busy scribbling notes into the papers of the clipboard. There was silence between them; he noticed how tensed Junmyeon's body was after he spoke those words, and how he had furiously rubbed his skin all together that it had the reddish tint on the tips of his fingers. 'So you wanted to get him back, right?'

He nodded.

'Junmyeon,' He started, the way his name rolled off from his tongue had gave him a calming stimulation, as if he was high with a drug that calmed him down, and stared at him sheepishly. 'Always remember that love is just an illusion that will trap you from reality.'

He scoffed. 'You're romanticising my problem, aren't you?'

He shook his head. 'I am not.'

'Then why do you think it's an illusion with a trap?'

'It's because people get blinded because of love,' He replied, locking gaze of the older man. 'But for you Junmyeon, it was the opposite. You had fooled yourself because you let yourself be inside the pressure of life.'

'Maybe my guiltiness made me sleepless for days, you think so?' He asked him, anticipating for an answer. Yixing slowly observed him, his legs get untangled after a few moments being crossed. 'You're trying to change the topic, Mr. Kim.'

'But I'm asking you a question.'

'I know, but do you realise that because of that guilt, you are trying to place back the love that was lost?' He had this calm demeanor and Junmyeon could not help but to seam his lips again. 'You aren't being sorry about what you did, Junmyeon. You are just excusing yourself.'

Junmyeon lowered his eyes from the therapist's ones that were boring holes. Sure, he did underestimated his ability through his appearance, but what he was spewing in front of him was just for him to understand what's going on. 'So what medication do you prescribe me?'

'Nothing.'

His eyes widened in disbelief. 'Are you serious about this, Yixing?'

His therapist gave a stern look as he placed the clipboard on the table, with the clicking of the pen, before he crossed his arms. 'No medication. You have to know yourself even more, because you are someone who doesn't tend to understand himself; just a complex human being.'

'But in what way are you implying?' He was pressing some questions that made the therapist inhale sharply and made him sit with his shoulders tensed. 'I suggest taking a vacation. Junmyeon, you have to be away from what causing you pain.'

'You meant.... I should get away from the person I love?'

'If that's what it takes to stop you from the delusion,' He paused before nodding. 'Yes.'

Junmyeon stood up, his feet feeling heavy after listening to his words. His chapped lips twitched at bit as he rearranged his glasses, and had started to walk away. He only stopped when Yixing called out his name, and turned around with eyebrows furrowed. 'What?'

'There's one thing I have to say before I let you go.' He spoke, his fingers intertwined in front of his face. He noticed that his eyes were narrowed as if he was eyeing him.

Junmyeon gave no answer, however, when he fully turned his body around, he then started talking.

'You should always think before doing anything. From what I have observed, you are an impulsive person. Think very carefully, because the consequences of the things you've done without thought will ruin your entire life.'

He spoke no more as he went outside the door, completely remembering what the therapist had said. However, in times like this, he doesn't even know where to start.

Days rolled by, Kim Junmyeon's thoughts were trailing off in his mind like a maze. He was distraught, for so many nights he would sit up in his bed and stare in nothingness in the night.

Not until he found himself in front fo Jongdae's apartment with Baekhyun in the call line.

' _Junmyeon, Junmyeon!'_  He blinked his eyes as soon as he heard his voice. He looked around; it was already morning but there were a few people walking around, realising he had walked here in a weekend. ' _Hey, are you listening to me?'_

'Oh, I want to get him back now.' He replied, eyes dead at the grey cement outside, with few fallen leaves decorating it. 'I wanted to see him... and to talk to him.'

' _Junmyeon. Don't._ ' The stern voice of Baekhyun sent shivers down to his spine, making his lip twitch. He doesn't care, all he wanted was to bring him back to him, to bring back the things they've shared together, to put the things back the way it was before.

_The consequences you've done without thought will ruin your entire life._

He scoffed remembering what the therapist had said, he doesn't care now.

'I don't care anymore.'

' _Listen, Junmyeon._ ' He heard him sigh. ' _I get that you wanted to get him back in your life, but he has someone else, he has Min—_ '

'I don't care if he has another person in his life, I will fight for it.'

' _A smart kid, aren't you? Give him some peace, dammit!'_

Like how a butterfly would cause a storm, him appearing back to his life would cause a greater disaster no one expected.

* * *

 

_Cause there's always time for second guesses, I don't wanna know_   
_If you're gonna be the death of me, that's how I wanna go_

* * *

 

 

They were really strong. He could not believe it.

Jongdae had thought the first thing ever since he held the kitten plushy on his hands. The blue color of its eyes that were contrasting its black fur were reminding him of how Minseok's eyes twinkle the night before when they went to Lotte World with Sehun and his girlfriend. The three of them were surprised when they had met and had tried to pretend that they didn't know each other by the friendly smiles and gestures, at the same time were staring at each other which Mr. Baby-face had noticed as weird, but had brushed off completely.

He sighed, satisfied. He was really happy.

At times when they would meet, they would end up at parks, the music store and sometimes he would take him to different coffee shops around. For someone, it would be boring to go to the same place all over again and again, but never once did he felt boredom, it was like everything about Minseok was amusing him up to the extent in noticing the tiny details and his movements. 

There are times at night when tension started to grow sexual, they would look in each other's eyes; without words coming out of their mouth they heard consent, in their eyes they said yes and crashed their lips together. He was enchanted on how Minseok would ride on him, his swollen lips forming words of pleasure and face flustered in ecstasy. In nights full of passion and unquestionable desire, they made love.

But out of the sweetest of things that gave them butterflies, there were times they could not understand each other and be in a heated argument. There were times Minseok's problems in controlling his anger would break out—he was calm. It was frustration, he had noticed, and that the instant but sincere apologies had soften his heart, making him love the man with cat-like eyes no more than he should.

He giggled remembering how Minseok tried to fight the fact that he was defending his wrong answer in guessing the octave of the music of the Ferris wheel; the curls on his lips perking up with joy. But as soon as the door opened with an unexpected guest, his smile dropped.

It was him, to say at least. 'What are you doing here, Junmyeon?'

He quickly noticed how he didn't look like the usual; tensed shoulders where his tan trenchcoat had clung loosely into it, droopy eyes that lacked a few days of good sleep and his lips chapped, faded and twitching. His hair was a fucking mess, and he looked so even more different when he wore glasses.

He did not answer, but Jongdae had noticed how his hand that held his phone had suddenly shaken, there was anxiety in it. The silence was starting to build tension and it made him sigh, because he knew the purpose why he was here and was starting to get tired of it. 'I know why you're here. Please get out, Junmyeon.'

His irises were starting to shake. 'Jongdae, please—'

'Baekhyun told me that you want me back.' He narrowed his eyes at him, jaw clenching. He placed down the stuffed toy on the counter of his kitchen. 'We're already over, Junmyeon. I have someone else already.'

'T-that's... That's a lie!' To his surprise, he rushed to him, hands touching his face in a trembling pace. 'You...you're lying, aren't you?'

Jongdae looked at him with pure fear on his eyes. He tried to take a step back away from him, eyes trying to find a way to escape from him. His pitiful face was making him taste bitterness on the tip of his tongue. But to his surprise, he was pushed down by the elder on the floor. His body laid on the cold floor, pressed against Junmyeon's, whose hand was caressing his face with trembling fingers. He was getting angrier in every second. He has to know. He knew he had to stop.

There was nothing he could do but to shout. 'Junmyeon, please! I am in a relationship right now. His name is Minseok!'

And with that, Junmyeon froze in his place.

'Minseok- _sunbae!_ ' Mr. Baby-face saw a blond boy running towards him as he was waiting on a bus stop to go to Jongdae's apartment, catching his breaths while drench in sweat. He looked at his face and recognised him; he was Jongdae's bestfriend. 'Good morning, Baekhyun. What brings you here?'

There was extreme worry on his face. 'Jongdae's in big trouble!'

He looked at him with a confused look. 'What.. do you mean?'

'His ex called me a while ago and told him that he's going to get him back.' He said in between panting breaths. 'From what I heard, he was on therapy and not in his right mind. Please,  _sunbae._ I don't know what he's going to do to him.'

Without replying or looking back, he immediately hailed a taxi, leaving a worried Baekhyun behind. His heart was beating fast; Jongdae had mentioned the last time that he had someone before him who left him because he 'fell out of love in a different circumstance' and 'he said their relationship was a nuisance to his life.'. He could not keep himself in place, fidgeting as he looked outside the tinted windows of the vehicle. As soon as he arrived, he ran, almost forgetting the fact that he was carrying something with him, and opened the door to his horror.

Jongdae, with a horrified face, lying on the floor, while atop him was his childhood bestfriend, Junmyeon, who was caressing his face softly.

Hysteria is the exaggerated feeling someone feels on a group of people, and that's how he literally feels seeing them doing him complete betrayal.

The two froze and locked their eyes at him, surprised. Minseok stood, frozen at the scene in front of him. His lips twitched at the sight of them, and that unpleasant sight ignited the tingling feeling of madness inside him. 'Jun...myeon?'

His eyes widened. He...he couldn't believe it.

' _Hyung,_ ' He can see him walk towards him, his eyes pleading cries. 'Let me explain...'

He was confused. He was lost. The feeling of sense was starting lose in him, as if it was an anesthetic making him numb. His narrowed eyes were looking at them, and Jongdae knew the worst is yet to happen.

'Fuck you.' He grabbed him. 'Fuck you!'

A punch was sent to Junmyeon's face, making him lost his balance. He kneeled helplessly as he took in a few punches, hard and bone cracking, and kicks that were inducing pain on him. He waited to receive more, but in his blurry eyesight he saw a person running toward him.

'Minseok! Stop it!' It was the timid Jongdae trying to stop from him. Minseok stopped, but the expression on his face changed. His eyes widened.

This Minseok isn't good.

To Jongdae's surprise, the elder stopped, and turned to him with a look that sent shivers to his spine. 'M-minseok.'

He went near, but the monstrous aura that was inside him made Jongdae step back. His breath hitched as looked at him in the eye; Minseok's eyes had rage, an uncalming wrath that could kill someone. But he gazed at him, lips seaming, trying to give a little bit of courage. 'Minseok. Don't.'

To the both of their surprise, Minseok pounced on him before punching him on the stomach. The pained expression on Jongdae's face made Junmyeon want to save him, but his pained body was slowing him down.

Jongdae's body was nothing like a piece of plastic doll to Minseok. He toyed it with pain, punching him with vigorous strength, and kicked him in different parts of the body, making him lay almost lifeless on the floor. The elder was looking at him with such anger, he was blind to realise it was someone whom he loved he had been hurting. Covered in bruises, Jongdae pleaded again as he lay between his legs, his lover glaring atop of him. 'Minseok. Please, stop it.'

His eyes widened as his hand reached something on the counter. His whole body trembled as he saw the glistening metal on his hand, sparkling the same degree of danger in his eyes.

'You... you won't do this to me, will you?'

'I won't.' He chuckled while twirling the knife between his hands. 'But to pay back from what you've hidden from me, I will.'

_Let's be serious about this. I get angry easily._

That was the first thing that appeared in his mind as the cold surface of the metal had struck his skin. Jongdae's mind went blank as he screamed, full in pain that had hit to his bones. Blood was starting to taste in his mouth as he looked at him with widened eyes, pain filling up in his body. All he could do was to mutter his inaudible pleas to stop, helplessly laying as the knife was repeatedly struck into his chest.

Junmyeon on the other hand, was horrified. He wanted to puke at the sight of Jongdae lying with cries coming out from his mouth, knife stabbing repeatedly on his chest while his murderer of a boyfriend was striking him aggressively, blood spilling on his snow-white cheeks and cat-like eyes.

He isn't at fault. He remembered. He isn't at fault.

But to his limp body, there was nothing he could do.

His eyes scanned around the room that was filled with horrified screams, and found something that would try to stop him. The bottle of hydrochloric acid was sitting outside the comfort room, a few meters away from the scene. He winced in pain as he tried to reach it; his hand was holding his side that was broken. Maybe a little can help, just to save him.

With the opened bottle on his hand, he ran to him sluggishly and spilled the acid in front of his face. He soon realised he had also dumped some on his own body when there was an agonizing pain on his chest, and was quickly pushed with great strength by Minseok, who was screaming in pain.

The last thing he had seen before he bumped his head on the edge of the counter was the knife stuck on poor Jongdae's face.

* * *

  _I hate myself for living_  
 _on after losing you  
_ _I'm frozen in the same_  
 _place even after time passes_  
 _Happy moments stopped_  
 _me like a photo_

* * *

'I am not at fault.' was the first thing he had said after being discharged from the hospital. Dr. Zhang looked up from the newspaper he had been trying to read, the case of Jongdae was written in huge letters on the headlines. He sighed, looking at his patient talk blankly while his eyes were glued on the maroon carpeted floor, with his body helplessly sitting on the cushioned chair, and crossed his legs. 'You are.'

'How so?'

'You're quite an idiot,' He commented as he placed down the huge grey paper on the table beside him. He then intertwined his fingers as he gazed at him, fully evading his stare. 'Keeping secrets from your childhood bestfriend is considered dishonesty.'

'But it was Jongdae's fault,' He clenched his hand and slammed his fist on the arm of the chair, his veins popping out. 'He didn't tell him to clear this up.'

'From what I know, Jongdae doesn't even know you and Minseok knew each other  _very much_.' He replied, forcing a blank face in order to avoid himself in raising a questionable eyebrow at him. 'In contrary, you're the one who's the idiot. You're quite dumb in the first place, going to him to clear things up without thinking back in your crackhead.'

'Ah, you're acting like a mother now,' He whined, pinching the bridge of his nose before leaning back. Yixing on the other hand shook his head. 'If only you'll stop whining like a baby.'

He looked at him, unbelievable. 'Is this how you're treating your patient? Are therapists supposed to treat us calmly?'

'In your case,' He scratched his head. 'You're one case of a big crackhead.'

'How so?'

'You're one hasty decision maker,' He commented. 'You triggered Minseok's button, and since he had thought Jongdae was trying to play with the both of you, he released his anger on him instead of you.'

He sealed his lips. 'That's because you're his bestfriend.'

Junmyeon looked down and said nothing, tears almost forming in his eyes. Yixing on the other hand, could not help but to look at him with pity; a man like him was distraught and confused that he made the worst decision in his life.

Months passed; he took care of Minseok with the help of the three, who were reassuring him that he was not at fault (which was a lie) and had tried his best not to break down and ask forgiveness to the blind who was unaware.

Junmyeon is a one big jerk, after all.

On the day the elder was executed, the three were only present and Junmyeon was nowhere to be found. The last he had seen him was the time he was sent to the room where he would lay for the final time, and he decided not to see and ask for forgiveness finally because he knew he won't be forgiven by him, even after his death.

The atmosphere was filled with serenity; the clouds were white on the blue background sky, no sound was around except the faint chirping of the birds flying across, and the smell of the flowers and grass were lingering, with the feeling of dew caressing its silence. Junmyeon had found himself in front of Jongdae's grave, filled with different bouquets of flowers where a photo of him smiling was on the middle, sitting amidst the flowery scent.

Incarnations, chrysanthemums, tulips, lilies and roses—that was what he had seen as he observed them enveloping on his marble grave, the name Kim Jongdae written in bronze letters. He slowed down his pace as he walked near, and kneeled to touch the picture with his thumb. 'Hello, Jongdae.'

'I missed you.' He continued, crouching while he gazed at the man who will never talk.

'I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for hurting you. I regret doing it, and I don't want to reason my loss of sense for the things that I've done to you. I've been a jerk to the both of you. I am the reason why the two of you are now laying in graves, lifeless and I hate thinking about it. I wished I was the one there instead of you two,' He spoke, trying to smile despite his tone was sad and was breaking him down. 'Ah... I'm an idiot. But please remember that even if you're not beside me, you're always inside of me, and I will never love any person the same way I did to you.'

He then placed something near his photo, nearer than the bouquets placed. He stood up and took a look before walking away. Junmyeon was certain, that from the sufferings they had both received, they deserved to be happy wherever they are now.

A pink daisy. A small sunflower.

All lost in the hands of someone.

* * *

 _waiting with memories that make my heart ache  
_ _i'm letting you go with a smile_  
i believe i will wait for you


	5. call me monster (sequel)

_You're my pro model_    
 _You decorate a part of my collection_    
 _W_   _h_   _en I work, you're in my center_

* * *

 

Junmyeon traced the scar that was all over his chest, his thin fingers touching the clotted wound that was once damaged by acid. His lips quivered, eyes tired staring at the old scar that held painful memories. He sighed once more as he looked at himself in the mirror, topless.

It has been two years since the acid trip flowed its monstrous toxicity on his life.

He took a look at his body one more time before he wore his clothes. The cold feeling in the early morning of Seoul was the usual for him, but it was starting to heat up as spring was approaching close. His eyes wandered as he stepped out of his apartment and turned on his car.

Kim Junmyeon had become a successful stage actor as he graduated college. There were offers here and there, people in Korea were starting to recognise his name as he starred and even led on plays that were well known and loved. He lived a wonderful life; his future going strong and it tasted sweet. But sometimes when he had his certain memories coming at the back of his mind, the bitter taste of guilt would replace that sugar.

On his way, he stopped by and got himself coffee. He didn't even bother to take breakfast first, his mind was distraught of the scar he touched again. He drove, eyes focused on the road with his hand holding the warm coffee. He and Dr. Zhang had stopped seeing each other for sessions, but the therapist had reminded him that if he has another problem, he should come to him. He wanted to brush the thought off, but Yixing's method was working on him.

But still, he couldn't accept the fact that he is at fault.

His circle of friends was easily broken ever since the death of Minseok and they never saw each other again: Sehun was having a hard time being alone and was battling depression (He also became a patient of Dr. Zhang), and the deep bond between the two childhood bestfriends Chanyeol and Kyungsoo had seemed to be broken as he had heard that they moved away from their apartment. Chanyeol had tried to help on Sehun by living with him and Kyungsoo was with his own place.

He stopped his tracks and let his thoughts be cleared. He stopped himself from thinking back all what happened to him, and he hated it. The windchimers had chimed in as he opened the back door of the building, revealing different people with papers on their hands. There were racks of clothes that were sticking out on the side, make-up being placed on vanity tables and there were actors practicing scripts and acting everywhere. it was their practice, and in a few hours, they would be performing a play again.

He was satisified. Really satisfied. He wanted to have this kind of life after all the shit he had been through all of this years. But never did he knew a monster would come back, creeping up to his life again like a fool.

23:16. It was only a few hours until another day would come when he had left the building, and got into his car. The ride back home was silent, as if the homes he had passed by were like the ghost town. As he arrived, his tired eyes and heavy body were making him walk slowly to the staircase. He turned when he heard a sound---footsteps.

Nothing was there.

Thinking back it was also a person coming home at this ungodly hour, his doubts on having someone following him were brushed off on his mind and he continued to climb up, only to be stopped with the familiar voice he knew a few years back.

'Don't you think you're too relaxed to walk in this ungodly hour?'

Before he could turn around, he felt something hard hit on his face and all he could was nothing but unending darkness.

' _You are beautiful, hy--'_

It was surreal, his face was distorted and there were bright, neon colors mixed in the white noise.

' _\---I can't--to de--ur you--_ '

All he sees is him; his memories replaying over his head like a broken player. The smile of the man he once loved was broken--it was distorted and warped, along with the words covered in white noise along with glitching.

He doesn't understand anything. He could not move his body. It felt like something was restraining him.

'- _\--_ _have s---one el-- al---dy, Junmyeon!'_

And his deafening scream.

He opened his eyes immediately as soon as he heard the screams at the time when it all happened. His eyes widened, his body trembling in fear from the memory that was on his dreams.

He was asleep.

He looked around; it was an open building. There were wood chips that clung around the grey cement that were eaten away by the termites, and huge clear sheets of plastics hovered around the place to cover it. It smelled like a lot like soil, and the ground was having a scarcity of weeds growing in it. The building was old, and abandoned, judging how worn out it was, and he trailed his eyes at the light the transparent plastic had illuminated and knew it was morning.

He was confused. He doesn't even know where he was right now. All that he remembered was that he had just arrived at his apartment.

He tried to move his body, but he looked down, only to see himself covered in chains; his hands tied to the back and his feet being tangled with chains.

'Good morning,  _hyung._ '

He immediately moved his eyes straight and saw a black haired man with a huge, devilish smirk; a naughty face with murder in his eyes. He was young, clad in all black and was sitting in a chair a few feet away from him.

His eyes widened at seeing him. The boy was familiar to him--someone familiar back to his college days. He did not speak, but instead stared at him to observe him.

'Goodness gracious,' He chuckled. 'It's been a long time for you maybe to forget about me.'

He tried to remember his name by his voice. It was the same voice that he had exchanged warm conversations with, the same voice that laughed at bit on his jokes, and the same voice that warned him.

'Byun Baekhyun.'

The man smiled at his reply. 'Good.'

'Where am I?' He asked, voice cracked.

'Somewhere far, actually,' He crossed his legs as he gazed at him. 'No use screaming, Junmyeon. No one will hear you. If they are, the chances will be at least one percent.'

He did not reply, but instead moved his body and tried to move his hands, but the man before him laughed mockingly as he saw him struggle. 'You are covered in newly-created chains, dear. It is locked with the key and the both of your hands and legs are tied with a metal ball.'

He gritted his teeth at his words, wanting to escape. The man still didn't removed that smile on his face, making him annoyed and irritated. 'It's been a while since I saw you struggling from before,  _hyung-nim._ '

'Why are you doing this?'

'A lot of things had happened before,' Baekhyun paused, making his heart beat in anticipation. 'Now let me tell you the story that made me control you under my spell.'

'Are you serious?'

'What makes you think that I'm joking here?' He cocked him an eyebrow, making him silent. Baekhyun did not removed his piercing gaze from him, eyes still locked with threat filled in. He gulped, hands sweating. 'There is a purpose why you're here chained up,  _hyung._ '

'And that is?'

'And that is...' He paused as he licked his lips. 'Everything I had planned failed because of you.'

He let out a sarcastic laugh. 'A plan? If I failed your plan, what are you going to do about it; are you going to kill me?'

Silence was Baekhyun's answer as he stood up from his seat and slowly walked towards him, still locking his devious stare. A smirk appeared on his face as he stopped and lean to him; a hand trailed down on his forehead down to his neck, only to be replaced by a cold object being replaced as he trailed it back up on his soft skin, sending shivers to the elder's spine. A whisper was sent to his ear, causing him to jerk. 'Maybe, if you won't listen to me.'

* * *

 _Give me the knife, cold on my mind_    
 _ _You know what I mean, I like being alone__  
 _ _Except for when I play with you__

* * *

 

'You know you are at fault, don't you?' He spoke, twirling the shiny metal in between his hands, his stare sending the feeling of stabs. But he did not answer, and had instead look at the brownish dirty ground. 'Ah, you're in denial, I see.'

'Is this the purpose of kidnapping me?' He asked, tone sounding with disbelief but with secured calmness. 'You're just doing it to talk to me?'

'Maybe, but there's more.' From what Junmyeon had noticed, their distance was even closer---it would only take Baekhyun a kick to send him to the ground. 'My story isn't something to give you sympathy or bullshit; my story has truth to tell.'

'And that is?'

'Listen first.'

'And what if I don't?' He locked gaze with him, leaning forward despite of the resistance of the chains.

'It's simple: you'll be next to Jongdae.' He threatened, moving closer to him. 'But you won't be found.'

There was silence and there was his devilish snicker. 'You're listening now?'

There was silence again, but this time, Junmyeon removed his gaze from him and turned his head.

'I'll take it as a yes.' Baekhyun spoke as he leaned back on his chair before crossing his legs. 'So here we go.'

'It was January of 2002 when I met this boy who became the sunshine of my life. He was the one who thought me that life is beautiful and that it was just a challenge to strengthen ourselves,' He started; tone lower and voice changed into a sad one. 'He was also the reason why you're here with me, chained.'

'What's with Jongdae? Why are you dragging him with this?'

'Ever since you broke his heart, I wanted to kill you.' He glared, his eyes were burning rage and anger. 'The desire of having you lifeless in my hands is in my fucking veins, your bloodied face is my prize!'

'You're crazy.'

'So were you, fucking dick.' He replied, his teeth grinding. 'You're still oblivious, huh?'

'How will I fucking know?' There was irritation of Junmyeon's voice as he replied, leaning forward to his pretty face while glaring back. 'You're fucking with m--'

The cold surface of the knife was felt on his lips, causing him to become quiet, while Baekhyun's smile become bigger. 'There you go, baby boy. Now let me tell you my plan--no, my story.'

'Just tell me already!' He spoke, words a bit inaudible with the knife still on his lips, threatening to tear it apart.

'Excited, aren't you? Here you go.'

_December 2014._

_Baekhyun woke up from his slumber, eyes wide in realisation._

_He trailed his eyes to the left; it was the window of the hotel with the curtain half-opened, revealing snow building up outside. He later moved his gaze down at himself; he was naked, cum dried all over his stomach with the blanket draping all over him. And when he moved his eyes to his right, his heart dropped in shock._

_It was Jongdae, fully dressed and deeply asleep, except his limp dick lying outside between his pants. Baekhyun slowly rose up and quickly zipped his pants while sighing in disappointment at himself._

_From what he remembered, it was their class eating and having drinks. Jongdae was completely wasted he fell asleep and everything was left to Baekhyun to bring him home, who was still sober at that time._

_Baekhyun bit his lip as he stood up from his bed and picked up his clothes that were on the floor. He remembered riding his unconscious bestfriend in this very room, he was desperate to be fucked by him that he had reached to the point he had rode him while he was asleep._

_His dick was big, he remembered its feeling. And fuck it, he was embarrassed at himself._

_His desperation to be loved by him reached that far, making him feel disgusted at himself, he thought as he took at look at him before going inside. The next days afterwards, were by far according to him---too scary. He had been looking at Jongdae, who was actually too oblivious to see his bestfriend getting anxious for some reason. He was relieved, but not until he asked._

_'About the time where we ate out last time, was I really that wasted?' Mr. Sunshine asked one time they were going home to start their part time jobs, making Baekhyun bit his lip, a bead of sweat rolling down slowly on his forehead. 'Y-yeah, why?'_

_'Actually, I know you put me on the hotel, but did you hooked me up with someone?' He shook his head and looked around while trying to find an excuse, at the same time had tried to make himself look like he was really telling the truth. 'Uh, wait... let me think about it. I didn't remember hooking you up with someone.'_

_'Then why does my back and legs hurt when I woke up?'_

_'That...' He looked around again. 'That's because you were actually dancing and singing to So Chan Whee and you actually fell a couple of times.'_

_'Really? I don't remember having a karaoke there.' Baekhyun immediately wrapped his hands around his shoulders. 'It was actually from the music player, plus you were already that drunk when the music started too.'_

_'Ah, I see...' He trailed off his words while the elder gave a huge grin, concealing the fact that his heart was beating fast. 'Let's go!'_

_Later, and later, Baekhyun's feelings for Jongdae had never seemed to fade, which he thought had. They were childhood friends; they had played together for thousand times, had fought, had even spent memories together. They were a bond that cannot be broken; like brothers from different blood, they were the best of friends._

_On their final year in high school, Byun Baekhyun thought that there was something wrong with him. Seasons change, so was he. He was forming into a new leaf, and these hideous things---peculiar and weird feelings---were starting to bud on himself as he had looked at his whining bestfriend, and he was afraid. He had questioned himself so much, and had started to closet himself out fear._

_'When are you going to date someone?' He asked him, out of all the things he had wanted to talk while he gathered strength. Jongdae, on the other hand, was surprised at the sudden question he had asked him. 'Why?'_

_'You seem lonely, though.' He reasoned.'Aren't you also?'_

_'I know I am, but you seem kinda sad.' He replied. 'Plus, I liked someone now.'_

_'You do?' He nodded, the guilt of lying being felt on the tip of his fingers. 'I'm trying to ask them out, actually.'_

_Jongdae did not answer, and paused for a while, making him confused. 'What's wrong?'_

_'Nothing, it's just...' He sighed, frustrated. 'I like men.'_

_'So?' He tried hard enough to hide the smile that was slowly creeping up in his face, while the younger gave him a sad look. 'You know what everyone thinks about people like me, Baekhyun.'_

_'I know, Jongdae.' He replied, hand placed on his shoulder calmly. 'But you have to accept yourself. We'll never know, too, that maybe there are people like you.'_

_All Jongdae could give was a smile. And that's where Baekhyun realised that at the same time he was falling in love with him even more, he was also jealous of him. He gathered up the courage to tell him, his own bestfriend, about his identification of himself, without thinking back that he might judge him. He was amazed at him very much, that he thought, with the bottom of his heart feeling heavy, that he doesn't deserve to win Jongdae's heart._

_He wanted to lose his feelings, so he searched for someone, even far, that can satisfy his need for just once._

_A heartbroken Baekhyun walked up to the streets towards the club, heart heavy with guilt. He doesn't know what to think; he was desperate to be loved by him, but he was trying hard to push his feelings farther away from himself. He was confused, dizzy and giddy as there were neon colors reaching his sight, a bit far from where he was. Distraught, he went into that direction, without any thought or impression on his head. He had found himself inside the bar, sitting on one of its stools, spaced out. There was nothing he can hear---not even the music shaking the whole room or the people shouting and screaming frenzy---he was right there looking at the polished table._

_He tried to order a drink, something he had forgotten its name off, and proceeded to drink; the alcohol was burning his throat, and he liked the painful feeling of it. He breathed sharply. He was already in pain, though._

_The lights were blinding and dancing as he looked at people dancing crazily; hot, revealing bodies touching each despite sweat clouding in, and he squinted his eyes as he could not see properly the faces of everyone in the club, the alcohol was starting to kick in slowly in his system._

_His lips quivered as he slowly moved his eyes to the left. People were passing by him, even making out on the corner where he could clearly see. There were some, who were like him; gazing at the people partying while taking a sip of their drinks and sitting on their goddamn stools._

_To his surprise, he had laid his eyes on the man who sat newly beside him. He was young---very fresh-looking (and it made him wonder how the hell this kid entered the club), and unique; he had a face with polar opposites---he was warm and cold at the same time. He eyed him from head to toe, he was tall... but when he saw his face--clearly, even it had the tint of pink---he was awed._

_Maybe, if he could give himself a chance to try to get rid of his feelings for Mr. Sunshine, this might be it._

'And that boy,' Baekhyun smirked as he crossed his legs again, devilish and daring. 'That pretty boy with a hot body, was now my little toy.'

Junmyeon locked gaze with him, annoyed and angry at his smirking face that he wanted to punch so bad. But his anger immediately triggered as soon as Sehun's words came into his mind, making it click.

_Simple. He had this loud friend._

'Fuck you!' He spoke between gritted teeth, chains clashing noisily as he tried to remove himself from them while the black-haired caressed his face gently.

'You know him, right?' He laughed. 'Sehun, my little boy toy.'

* * *

 

_Forgetting you is not easy_   
_As it sounds I'm crazy, it's not easy_

* * *

 

'You motherfucker!' Every word that Junmyeon said with deep anger made Baekhyun laugh hysterically. He liked to see him in pain; to be struggling in those chains that can actually tear up his skin slowly--he really wanted to see him on his lowest. He smirked in the middle of his cursings. 'You used him, you used him!'

An eyebrow was raised with an amused look as he drew himself to him, the knife still on his hand. The bridge of their noses were touching as well as their temples as Baekhyun then replied; 'Did I? No, hun.'

'Fuck off.' He spat, ignorant of the presence of the knife, while the younger chuckled. 'You are a piece of shit.'

'I did not use him. In fact he owe me a lot, plus I'm not only a piece of shit,' He breathed out with a smile on his face. 'I'm a deadly piece of shit.'

_December 2014_

_The pretty young boy was shy, and would only stare as Baekhyun would talk and sometimes flirt to make it as interesting as possible but no matter how he would ask and ask--only the music and people cheering would answer. After chugging his third shot on his second bottle, Baekhyun chuckled. 'You're so obvious.'_

_'Wha...what?' He placed his head on the back of his hand and smiled as soon as he heard the confused boy's voice; it was kind of deep and smooth, like whiskey that boy had ordered. 'It's obvious that you don't want to be here.'_

_The boy didn't answer and removed his stare at him, to which he placed on the ashtray in front of him, to which made Baekhyun laughed as he was caught off guard by the sight of it. 'I'm Baekhyun by the way.'_

_He turned, surprised, before replying in a stuttered manner. 'Se-sehun.'_

_'Is it your first time in the club, Sehun?'_

_He did not answer. But it was just a pause, Sehun was a bit hesitant to Baekhyun's guess and he had just sheepishly nodded before removing his piercing stare of him. 'Ah, that's why you seem awkward. Any problems, my boy?'_

_'Nothing.'_

_'You're lying.'_

_'How about you?'_

_He did not answer, but instead moved his face closer to his to the tightest distance. The young man was caught off guard by surprise, and moved himself backwards while Baekhyun leaned. 'If I say I do have one, will you tell yours?'_

_He did not answer again, making him irritated. Was he a mute? Did he still keep his promise to his mama not to talk to strangers? Baekhyun became annoyed of the youngster that he had drank himself out of boredom, and even drank what Sehun had ordered, reassuring him that he will pay for him afterwards. But later on Baekhyun had felt the alcohol kicking him off, making him dizzy and giddy._

_The next thing he knew, he was being carried by Sehun to somewhere._

_He wanted to laugh at the situation that was happening to him despite of being heavily drunk; his petite body was being carried by a young, confused stranger who kept ignoring most of the time, and the hell, the place they were going wasn't like the hotels he and Jongdae used to stay at, it was elegant and clean. At the same time, he was a bit flustered as he felt the body of Sehun against him; the young man was well-built, he could feel his wide-ass shoulders wrapping around him, muscular arms that were hugging him and the amazingly slim waist he had. Baekhyun tried to make his eyesight clear, but he was amazed at this silent brat; he was really tall, and he could see himself being carried too high from the carpet._

_At last, he placed him on a soft bed. And because Baekhyun was stupid when drunk, the first thing he did was to kiss him._

_Sehun was surprised; he was about to place him on his very own bed inside his own condominum and take care of the poor fucker when he suddenly grabbed him and had decided to have his drunk lips meet his sober ones. He thought it was okay until Baekhyun's eyes widened and had slapped him weakly before collapsing in his bed._

_'What was that for, ahjussi?'_

_'Hey, fuck you.' He replied, voice slurred. 'I am just a few years older, fucker.'_

_'Okay, then. But what was that for?'_

_'The what? The kiss?' He replied with an annoyed tone. 'Hey, I don't know where you've taken me, but I would like to say that you can use my body as a payment for your heartwarming kindness.'_

_'But all I did was to carry you,' He looked down to Baekhyun's shirt, and turned away when he noticed the ample amount his skin was showing. 'Plus, it seemed like you're a bit sad, drinking at those ungodly amounts.'_

_As soon as he realised what the youngster has been avoiding, he immediately chuckled and slumped his body back in the bed, bouncing and had spread his arms in a dry laugh. 'You're a bit right. I am sad. A sad fucker.'_

_He then turned his head down to him, who was sitting at the edge. 'But aren't you too? There's no excuse for a newbie in a club like you to come there with no reason.'_

_'I am,' Sehun turned his head to his left, making him move too, only to see the clear night sky---dark, calm and decorated with stars---on the huge glass windows. 'But I do think you are sadder than I am, right?'_

_He laughed and shook his head before sitting up near him. 'No, but tell me, Sehun, what made you sad this day?'_

_Before they can both realise it, the whole time they were gazing the stars, they shared stories only their little, broken hearts knew---they kept their secrets with a promise._

_'I am confused,' Sehun started, eyes still locked to the glass-cased sky; Baekhyun could not help but to turn to him and saw how his eyes were becoming glassy---maybe it was the sadder than what he has. 'I want to accept them for who they are---for who they were before. It's hard to accept because this isn't something I haven't encountered before. I don't hate them---rather, I love them so much yet it feels like I've been betrayed.'_

_'But you love them, do you?' He asked, slowly scooting to him closer before letting out a sigh. 'Real love---I hate the word true---it doesn't only come in the corners of your mind. It's out of the box---it's really different from what you expected to be, that's why you have to accept it. Not that fast, but slowly. Time by time you'll learn and accept them.'_

_To his surprise, the youngster smiled. His smile was soft---cheeks becoming more plump as they were lifted with his lips being formed into a happy curve. His eyes smiled--and it made him amused. 'Thank you, hyung. I'll remember it.'_

_'Well, you better.' He patted his back. 'It's hard to live about love these days.'_

_'How about you, hyung? What made you sad today?'_

_Baekhyun gazed at him; he paused for a while as he bit his bottom lip before letting out an exasperated sigh from his mouth. 'What I'm gonna tell you isn't something that made me sad today.'_

_Sehun's eyebrow twitched as he continued. 'It made me sad since I loved them.'_

'Apparently those were the only things we did,' He sat back with a smug look on his face, whilst the man before him was eyeing him in doubt. 'Nothing else, nothing more.'

'You're a crackhead.'

'Am I? Thank you for the compliment, Junmyeon.' But the smug look on his face dropped into a atrocious smile. 'That's good to hear after I've planned to set you two up.'

He raised him an eyebrow---he chuckled at his confusion, his eyes scanning the features on Junmyeon's face and---ugh, they're full of sweat. The wind and the translucent plastic flying replaced their words before he spoke again---words that sent shiver on his spine.

'Did you fucking think that you two met because of destiny?'

_August 2015_

_As much as he wanted to lose these kind of feelings, Baekhyun seemed to got caught up with it----the same way he caught his cold the morning he woke up to the decision to find someone he'll force himself to. He had thought it was impossible to remove them; especially if it had bloomed longer than it was, but all he can do was just to sit up and sigh._

_The window outside was pretty bright, but he can see everything outside. Typical morning with trees being green as usual, plus it was a bit busy with cars strolling around and people walking. Baekhyun groaned---class was going to start in the afternoon, yet he woke up in such a lovely morning. After a few minutes of spacing out and thinking back all the feelings he had for Jongdae, he decided to move out on his bed and eat breakfast._

_Well, to his disappointment, the little fridge of his only contained the plastic pitcher of water._

_The next thing he did was to wait in line at the fastfood place that was only three walks on his apartment, finding himself standing behind the answer for his bitter request. The line was long (he was tired; his stomach was dancing and growling and he wanted to cry) and the two people behind him were getting his attention. Both of them had a big contrast with each other; one was tall, bow-legged, curly-haired and had huge shoulders while the other was really small, petite and bald. Both of them had deep voices (Baekhyun was really amazed at it), and they were having a decent conversation he would often hear everywhere._

_'What do you want?'_

_'Anything.'_

_'You did not beg me to bring me here just to say nothing.'_

_It felt like they were close, and it somehow caught his attention. The next thing Baekhyun knew was that he found himself eating pancakes alone across the table of the two who were having breakfast._

_Finally, he can observe and notice their faces while the two were busy talking and looking at their phones. The tall guy has an innocent face--like a puppy. His dimple shows when he smiles and laughs while the other was a serious one; heart-shaped lips and thick eyebrows, Baekhyun thought he looked like a penguin._

_The more he noticed, the more he realised he had began to be engrossed at them. He was really interested with the puppy-looking guy, whose name was Chanyeol after hearing the bald one scold him for something, but there was something he saw when he watched him._

_Those soft, endearing eyes felt like they were burning with unspoken affection to the shorter one, who was oblivious. He knew unrequited love was common--he was even in one--but why was thinking that he knew?_

_'You're really cute, Kyungsoo.' He heard Chanyeol complimenting the shorter one, and Baekhyun could not help but to feel a bit warmth in his chest that caused him to smile like an idiot when Kyungsoo's serious face had lightened up into a smile. He was cute--the way his lips form into a heart when he smiled or even how his cheeks blushed lightly at the compliment made him slightly better than before. Baekhyun could not help but to sigh satisfyingly as he went back to his apartment with a huge smile on his face._

_He had finally found someone, now can he forget about him?_

_No---the answer was no._

_He still couldn't suppress his feelings and make them lost, so all he can do was to force himself to love Kyungsoo the same way he loved Jongdae. It was hard, considering how painful it was but he had kept reminding himself all over and over again he will always see him as a best friend no matter what._

_He made himself learn about Kyungsoo whole as he used his status as a social buttetfly, but even if he had made his mind believe he was in love with him, his heart always belonged to Jongdae. No matter how he tried, it will and had always been pointing to his._

_What a poor man._

_He wanted to believe that his feelings will fade, and he strongly he believed he can. He faked his feelings and had let his best friend see himself completely faking being lovesick in front of him, even if it broke his heart._

_Surprise, surprise, who would've thought that Kyungsoo and Sehun would be in the same group of friends?_

_'Aww, he looks cute today!' He tried to make his tone happier when he saw them walking while he was pressing his body on the wall. 'Who?'_

_'Kyungsoo.' Jongdae was looking confused. 'The man with yoda ears?'_

_'No, the bald head.' He replied. 'He looks like a penguin!'_

_'Well, he looks like a chestnut to me.' He replied, causing him to pretend he was rolling his eyes. He thought Jongdae already broke his heart, but on that time, he was immediately attacked by his heart being crushed into fine pieces as Jongdae's eyes fell on the man with glasses he did not recognised--a bit taller than Kyungsoo but shorter than Chanyeol and Sehun. It was full of interest that it felt like he was attracted to him, and that made him slowly drop the happy face he tried putting up._

_But shouldn't he be happy that Jongdae had finally found someone? Doesn't that mean that he can remove these unnecessary feelings he had? No, the reality is harsh. Baekhyun realised reality makes it worse._

_'Hyung.' He blinked from spacing out and moved his eyes to his left, where he saw the worried Sehun looking at him. 'Yes?'_

_It was the same club where the two had met; the same place where a lost kid has found himself talking to a sad motherfucker who kept drinking despite of having low intolerance. The atmosphere of the club was different compared before; it was slow--there was slow dance music and people were holding each other romantically in the middle of the hazed crowd. The youngster paused for a while to observe his face before asking, 'Was that you on the university?'_

_'What?' He asked, eyebrows raised in confusion. Sehun thought that he was pretending---He gave a sly smile. 'Stop lying, hyung. I really know it was you.'_

_'What the hell are you talking about, Sehun?'_

_'I saw you with someone hiding when we walked around.' He explained, holding the condensing glass of lemon juice (Baekhyun chuckled at it) on his hand. 'Was it him the person you've been talking about?'_

_'Oh.' He replied, chuckling in realisation. 'Yeah, that was me. But no, that was not him.'_

_'You're lying, hyung.' He replied with a determined face, giving hum the feeling of dejá vu. Baekhyun took a look at him before moving his gaze to his whiskey-filled glass and then sighed exasperately. 'Yeah, it was him. But how did you see us?'_

_'Your voice was loud, kinda glad my other hyungs did not hear you.'_

_'All of them are older than you?'_

_'Yeah, they are. Maybe older than you.'_

_'I'm born in 1993.' Sehun shot him a look of disbelief. 'You're an ahjussi then.'_

_'I swear to God, I am not!' He replied with an angry face, causing the youth to laugh (His angry state was cute--his cheeks were puffed and he was pouting). 'Okay, okay. If you say so. But are you interested in me?'_

_'No. But on the bald one.'_

_'Kyungsoo-hyung?' He raised his eyebrows and he nodded. 'He's kinda cute.'_

_''Kinda cute', huh? Is this an alibi for you to excuse and distract yourself from the feelings you have for your friend?'_

_'Yeah.' Sehun was amused how straightforward he was when he answered, unlike a while ago where he hesitated and denied. 'I want to move these to another person. Who knows, maybe they might fade and I will have no problems to face again, right?'_

_'The world doesn't work like that, Baekhyung.'_

_'Stop making puns on my name, Sehun.' He rolled his eyes at him._

_'But still, it doesn't work that way, hyung. The more you avoid it, the more you fall down. It doesn't get less if you try the other way around.'_

_'I know.' was the only thing he ever replied. He sealed his lips, making them stay in silence. He was an idiot anyway--he's making his life worse. An idiot, an idiot, an idiot--he was a big, fucking idiot. But Sehun was surprised when he suddenly asked, 'Who's the one in glasses in your group?'_

_'Oh, Junmyeon-hyung? Why?'_

_'I do think he caught his eye.' Sehun gave an 'Oh', with a thought of giving him a pat on the back for comfort, but was stopped when Baekhyun added. 'I'm glad he found him.'_

_'What are you talking about?'_

'Can you help me?' Pure confusion was seen on the younger's face as he looked at him---only the determination seen on his eyes were making him remove that look on his face. 'What is happening, hyung?'

_'I'm setting them up.' He replied bland. 'You've got to help me.'_

_'Why are you trying to set them up if it's going to break your heart?'_

_Baekhyun's face fell---he paused and licked his lips while trying to swallow the words Sehun had gotten out from his mouth. It was harsh and bitter--a bit painful in the throat than the whiskey he drank a while ago. Afterwards, he looked up to him again; a sad smile with determined and sure eyes plastered on his heartbroken being._

_'I've always wanted see him happy so that afterwards I'll soon realise that I need to move on because there is no use crying over spilled milk.'_

* * *

_When I see you, this is how I feel_   
_It feels like something is_   
_empty but what's cool_

* * *

 

_August 2015_

_'I met him. He was nice.'_

_Baekhyun suddenly had the urge to throw up when Jongdae said those words one time when they were eating._

_A huge smile was spread on his face, clearly happy of the things happening in his life whereas the man looked at him with dead eyes as he realised who he was talking about. But for a second, he switched it into a confused one. 'What do you mean?'_

_'Haven't I told you yet?'_

_'You haven't?'_

_'Oh, I met this guy and he was cute.' He replied, smiling. He could feel a heavy feeling on the pit of his stomach as he tried to look away while Jongdae continued, 'Don't you remember telling about Junmyeon?'_

_'Oh, so it was him?' He pretended to be shocked, mouth open and eyes wide while his fingers stopped the chopsticks from moving. The younger nodded. 'I met him on the piano room accidentally, he was watching me---He looks really cute when he's shy.'_

_'Oh, you shoot your shot... Didn't you?' He tried his best to sound amused, but he failed as he saw him raise an eyebrow. 'Why do you sound sad, Baekhyun?'_

_Upon hearing him, he immediately rolled his eyes, spitting another lie to excuse his sorry ass. 'Nothing, it's just that I would be alone the next time around I guess.'_

_To his surprise, he was hit on the face with a laugh. He turned his gaze to see Jongdae laughing, eyes forming into beautiful crescents. 'That's a lie! I'll still be with you.'_

_Days rolled by; Jongdae and Junmyeon were starting to bloom up to the flowery road while Baekhyun could only watch and listen in misery._

_But it was okay for him, as long he can see him smiling before him._

_'Hyung, we're going to watch your performance.' spoke Sehun one time when they met on a grocery store. The latter raised his eyebrows. 'Why? You want to watch me sing? Or is this about Jongdae?'_

_'It is, actually.' He gave a sad look. 'Plus, I think hyung's gonna confess or something.'_

_He immediately looked at him with widened eyes. He shouldn't be surprised---from what he had noticed on Jongdae on the past few days; he was sure that the things happening between him and Junmyeon were starting to develop; judging how giddy and reddish he was one time. Baekhyun shouldn't be surprised---he wanted to let go to save their friendship, but it was his own heart that he did not save. The youth examined his reaction before licking his lips in exasperation. 'You look like you're not ready, hyung.'_

_'I am.' Sehun snarkled. 'You're such a liar.'_

_'Well, who knows?' He cocked him an eyebrow as he grabbed a bunch of bananas. 'They say you gotta fake it 'till you make it.'_

_'Yeah, you faked your own feelings by forcing it to another one.' He replied before locking gaze with him. 'But did you make it?'_

_He was speechless--for a second, and had decided to give another excuse. 'It's still early.'_

_'But shouldn't it work it's magic right now? Come on, stop denying. I'm gonna set you up with my Chanyeol-hyung instead of hyung.'_

_He pushed him lightly. 'Nah, he's even worse.'_

_'Why?'_

_'He got his eyes on the same person.' Sehun turned to him, shocked, before laughing. 'You noticed it too? I've been teasing them sublty about it.'_

_'You're a brat, aren't you?' He gave him a smile. 'Anyway, before I go, how are you and the person you're being sad about?'_

_To his surprise, he gave a smile---not the smile he usually portray, but a smile that has authencity in it._

_'We're okay now.'_

_The day of the recital finally approached, and Baekhyun was sitting at the back nervous, not because of the recital but of the confession._

_'Baekhyun.' He blinked and turned his head to see a worried Jongdae grasping his shoulder. 'Are you okay?'_

_'I am,' He replied with a smile. 'Why are you suddenly asking?'_

_'Your pupils are shaking.'_

_'It's nothing... I'm just tired.' He reassured, smiling. Jongdae took a look at him (Baekhyun knew he was not convinced, but he doesn't care anymore) before moving away as he was called. The small opening to the stag had caught his eyes, making him gaze at it, only to see a group of familiar people sitting on the middle of the crowd._

_He wants to cry. He doesn't really, really care anymore._

_To his surprise, his phone suddenly rang._

_'Hello.'_

_Hyung, where are you?_

_'I'm at the back. Why?'_

_You sound like you're about to cry, hyung. Are you nervous for your turn?_

_'No, I am not.' He turned his gaze back to the small crevice that lets him see the stage, only to see the smiling face of Jongdae playing the piano. 'I am nervous, but not because of that.'_

_I know, and I'm going there._

_'What?' He laughed. 'You're gonna comfort my sad ass?'_

_No, I'm gonna give you the letter he made for him._

_'Why isn't he the one? He should be the one to give it to him if he's gonna confess.'_

_He's scared, hyung. He doesn't know how to do all these things, that's why he's afraid._

_The next thing he knew, he was standing in front of Sehun, with a small white envelope with a rose tied on his hand. Sehun shot him a worried look. 'Hyung, are you okay?'_

_'I am.' He reassured him with a smile. 'What makes you think I am not?'_

_'Your eyes says otherwise.' He replied as he examined his face before putting the envelope in his hands. 'Please tell Jongdae-sunbae that he sent me here because he was afraid.'_

_'I will.'_

_'Won't you open it?'_

_'Why would I?' He asked, gazing at the object on his hands. Sehun knew that deep inside he wanted to read and know, but there was nothing he can do. Instead, he sighed and left him._

_Baekhyun placed a mask._

_A huge grin was on his face as he strode towards the spaced-out Jongdae, who was finally back after his nervous-wrecking performance. He sighed in relief and smiled at his bestfriend. 'Are you calling the souls of the Underworld, huh?'_

_'What?'_

_'Your voice is powerful, Jesus! I couldn't believe it; still pulling the suprise, huh? Good work.'_

_'Thanks.' That smile was so genuine that it hurt Baekhyun, causing him to smack him playfully with the envelope. The confused Jongdae looked it in wonder before turning to him. 'What is this?'_

_'A guy from Performing Arts gave me this. His name was Sehun.'_

_'Yeah, he told me to give you because "he" got chickened out. You got a secret admirer, huh? As expected from the king of surprise operas.'_

_By looking at his smile, Baekhyun's nervousness had suddenly vanished. He really, really wanted to stay like this forever. He doesn't care anymore if his feelings will be hidden and locked forever in his heart as long as his smile will never be the same._

_Even if he wasn't the reason behind it._

'Are you hungry?' Junmyeon was surprised of the question he asked, making him suspicious. 'Are you killing me with food?'

'No, you've managed to shut up and listen.' He gave him with a smile, and to his surprise, the latter pushed a cart with a meal (it was two fishcakes) and a glass of ice-filled water. Junmyeon examined it; narrowed eyes filled with suspicion--in which made Baekhyun laugh. 'You're really serious about it.'

'Who can't be? You offering food after those threats was a sketchy move.'

'Well, I guess so.' He gave a smile and leaned back before grabbing the wrapped hamburger behind him. 'I only offered since I am considerate and hungry too.'

'Eat yourself.'

'No, together, we should eat.'

'Are you serious?'

'I am.' His gaze was piercing as it met his angry ones. 'But before that, I want to ask; are you satisfied from what I told you?'

'Everything you said was much dramatic,' He turned to the ceiling and thought. 'And they seemed to be senseless.'

Baekhyun's face showed a lot of disappointment. He expected that reaction, however, what he did not expect were the shivers that had been sent to his spine just by looking at him. There was pure, filthy disappointment in his face. But he was suddenly surprised that it suddenly calmed when he diverted his gaze. 'Eat.'

Junmyeon didn't want to. He wanted to make himself safe until he gets help. He wanted to make it out alive. It was only the start.

'You have to spoonfeed me, Baekhyun.'

'I know. You're tied---I was waiting for you to say that.'

While being spoonfed, the atmosphere was quiet, with Junmyeon's eyes narrowing in suspicions as he took each serve. Baekhyun watched his lips as he took the meal from the spoon, and trailed it down to see it go down on his throat.

Luckily, there was no effect---until he asked, 'My throat is dry.'

'Here,' He quietly cupped his chin and held the water to Junmyeon's lips. 'Drink.'

The cold feeling of the water had entered his mouth; it tasteless flavor----it was filling to the brim as much as it could take him. He swallowed and took a look at his kidnapper, whose face had a satisfied smile---as if he was happy he obliged to his orders like a dog. 'Do you want to continue eating?'

He shook his head as Baekhyun placed the glass back before crossing his legs again. ' _Hyung---_ no---or shall I say,  _sunbae._ What are the things you know about Sehun?'

'We've known each other since high school.' He gave him an unbelieving look. 'I know who Sehun is more than you think.'

'Are you sure?' A smirk was starting to appear on his face. There were feelings of disgust---he hated to be powerless in this moment; especially on this one man who was nothing but the bestfriend of his first love that had wanted revenge. The disgusting feeling was starting to get stronger when his smirk was becoming more and more distorted. 'Do you think you know him so much to the point where you start to understand his fears? His secrets?'

'What... do you mean?'

'That boy was sweet; often percieved as cold and intimidating, but in reality he was a boy who wanted love and understanding. His fear was that if he ever chose something different from what everyone prefers, everything would turn back on him. He feared of loving someone that will make him an outcast. He thought he was a moth tempted to fly into the flaming lamp, but in reality, he was just a cocoon attached to the judgemental society, waiting to bloom like a butterfly and to be freed away from the cancer spreading.'

Slowly, there was something Junmyeon could not understand. There was dizziness going on his head---a frenzied headache that felt like there were fireworks in his mind. It felt exploding--drip drop like the rain, he felt everything in his body was becoming weaker and his senses dropping. His eyes were slowly closing, and as if he was starting to doze off.

'Let me tell you one secret. The only secret Sehun hides from everyone.' His vision was now shaky; the image of Baekhyun was becoming distorted---it was like he was having faint duplications. 'It was---'

'Why am I becoming dizzy?' He asked, voice weak. To his surprise, he gave a calm smile.

'Oh, it's taking effect already?' Junmyeon wanted to be angry--he knew he shouldn't have trusted him, but his body was shutting down and his eyes were closing. Baekhyun examined his face---his calmed smile still there---and chuckled. 'It wasn't on the food,  _sunbae._ The sleeping pills weren't mixed on the soup.'

He was now shutting down.

'It was on the ice.'

Junmyeon woke up to the erotic feeling inside him. It felt like it was cold too, at the same time.

He doesn't know why, but he felt like there was something tingling in him, and it made him open his eyes. It was the bright morning, cold to his skin. He moved his eyes down, and to his shock, in front of him was Baekhyun.

It was Baekhyun having his mouth on him. The man was bobbing up and down and his cheeks were slapping on his legs, eyes looking at him with terrifying fun on his eyes. Junmyeon felt shivers---no even more like he felt fear on his whole body, eyes shaking.

He wanted to move. He tried his best to hit the man with his knees, yet to his surprise, Baekhyun was becoming strong and had resisted. The man removed his mouth and gave a huge smile. 'You're awake, finally.'

'W...what are you doing?'

'What?' He asked, still not removing his smile. 'I'm trying to comfort you, after all, you need some release but you can't since your one and only is now dead right?'

'You're raping me, Baekhyun.'

'I am, so what?'

Suddenly he hit him with something hard on his face, making Junmyeon fall into the floor from the chair. There was unexplainable pain that he felt, and as soon as he started to crawl away, he was stopped by the huge metal ball chained on his leg.

'I want to abuse you so bad, to violate you,' He heard him said, footsteps near with the sound of clothes getting ripped at the same time. 'For all the things you've done to Jongdae, I want to do it to you.'

'Stop, please.' He begged, but he was hit again by something hard, making him wince in pain as he held in to himself. Then he was moved to his back and dragged all the way in front of Baekhyun, who sat on his legs and faced his naked bottom. 'This fucking dick of yours. I will make you cry. Not in pleasure, but in pain to make you feel how hard it is for him to move on from you.'

To his surprise, his legs were spread and Baekhyun was looking angrily to his white thighs, but it soften then turned into a creepy smile. 'You'd maybe... maybe make a better partner than Jongdae, hm?'

'Baekhyun, please.' He breathed out, tone shaking in fear. His eyes were squeezed shut, hoping this isn't happening to him now. But it was all real. The fear and the pain he felt right now are real. Jongdae's death was real. His kidnapping was real. He's gonna get raped... Junmyeon thought he was strong enough to let go of gripping things.

However, in the situation he was right now, it's impossible.

'Argh!'

He shouted as he was suddenly struck with pain inside. There was something inserted inside him that he doesn't know---he didn't want to know what it was. A tear escaped in his eye as the burning sensation was too much for him to bear. Sweat was starting to mix with his tears as he laid on the floor, helpless into the madman in front of him.

Then there dripped something, making him bite his lip. The pain he felt before was starting to multiply, making him feel like he wanted to die.

 _Stop. Stop. Stop._  Those were the only words on his head as he felt it was going in and out inside him. He cannot do anything but to bite his lip all over and over again. He wanted to kill himself after all of this...

'Why are you crying? This is your payment on making Jongdae die.' He heard him speak.

_Bang._

A shot was heard.

The only thing he could only see was Baekhyun's body and a man he could not recognize. But deep in his mind, all Junmyeon could remember was Baekhyun's last words.

'And my words are these: always remember that it was never my plan to kill Jongdae. It was just that I never realised that he was the gun and you were the trigger.'


End file.
